cycle of abuse

All I can do is mourn for your loss, the losses you have sustained are so deep and so profound, they will affect you forever. You don’t have to experience the death of someone, to be plunged into grief. No, you only have to lose yourself to someone else, you only have to realise that your days have been spent loving someone who does not love you back, feeling for someone who doesn’t care about your feelings, being manipulated by someone who will lie to you, you only have to realise that although you’ve been authentic and genuine you’ve hooked up with someone who doesn’t know how to be. You think, how could you have fallen for it, and now the humiliation, the embarrassment,and everyone finding out….. and then the ‘going back’ to him after all anyway, which surprised you a little, but then, you always suspected you would. After all, was it really so bad? He’s remorseful now, isn’t he? He said, he’s going to really work at changing. I believe him. Right? Why wouldn’t I? Right? He was crying and sobbing and pleading, that’s got to be genuine, I’m sure he means it. He says he’s nothing without me. He realises he’s nothing without me. He’s promised me, it won’t happen again. I should give him another chance right? ………wrong.

My friend, this is the cycle or pattern of abuse, and because you haven’t been away from it long enough, you don’t have perspective to see or visualise the pattern. For you, you might think, but this has only happened once or twice, it’s not a pattern or a cycle, not yet. But I say to you, then please don’t let it become one. Because what will happen is, by Cycle 3, 4 and 5 you will be more deeply entrenched than you realise, by Cycle 6, 7, 8 your are probably doomed to live this way for the rest of your existence, by Cycle 9, 10, 11 you have dug your own grave.

Listen to me, as your friend who loves and supports you….there is a divide between you and him, don’t cross it. Let him find his own way, let him seek help, but from professionals who can help him. All you will do, is ‘enable’ him. That is sick and unhealthy. All he wants, is for you to ‘enable’ him. He doesn’t want to seek healthy professional help. You are not the ‘right’ help. You have no real idea about how to help him.

If you truly love him, let him go.

For information about the cycle of abuse, please click here

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For anyone, who is going through something like this

For information about the cycle of abuse, please click here

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  • heatherfriedman
    heatherfriedmanover 1 year ago

    been there.. and I must add.. “If you truly love yourself…let him go”

  • thanks Heather, yeah….but at that point, it’s more about how much they love the other person, I learnt that this means so much more, than taking care of themselves….it’s so sad, I’m glad you were able to free yourself :) xx

    – © Karin Taylor

  • Mieke Boynton
    Mieke Boyntonover 1 year ago

    Beautifully written and compelling, Karin!

  • thanks so very much Mieke! :) xx

    – © Karin Taylor

  • Bunny Clarke
    Bunny Clarkeover 1 year ago

    Excellent words of true knowledge. The reason we fell for those bad boys/girls is because we still believed that all people are good. Then when its too late, we think too little of ourselves and too much of them. Lived through it as a child and an adult. Done. :o)

  • thank you so much Bunny, that’s what I’ve discerned too xx

    – © Karin Taylor

  • F.A. Moore
    F.A. Mooreover 1 year ago

    Truer words have not been spoken and warned. The strange thing is, when you’re in, you cannot imagine that anyone’s experience is/was the same. It’s shocking: the threats, the many moments so close to death, the cycle of apologies and thinking, no, believing you can save the person from themselves. It’s not true. You can’t. They are in a hell that only they can hope to get out of without taking others in with them. And unfortunately, much too often, death to others and themselves is the ultimate way out.

  • Yes, Frannie…it’s a most terrifying thing, what you say is so true, I think unfortunately, it’s only those who’ve seen it or been in the cycle themselves, can really relate. My heart goes out to those who’ve lost loved ones due to it. I didn’t realise how complicated it was, til recently. The person who loves their abuser is in their own hell, the abuser, in another kind of hell….and two hells don’t make ‘a heaven’….it’s just ‘double hell’ …a living nightmare xxx :(

    – © Karin Taylor

  • Thank you so much Frannie, it’s good to hear your perspective :) x

    – © Karin Taylor

  • Wil Zender
    Wil Zenderover 1 year ago

    I always used to say: “Each one of us dig his/her own grave” – meaning that everyone has the choice to follow or not someone, specially a problematic one. Inspiring writing, thanks for sharing with us your thoughts, dear Karin. Aloha and Mahalo!

  • Aloha dear will and mahalo, for your point of view, I really appreciate hearing your thoughts, always. It’s true, we all do have a choice, some of us are more disposed than others, to become prey to people who are predators and this is very unfortunate….and the cycle begins. It seems so unfair, when the person/victim is naive and too innocent to realise what is going on, and once they do, it can sometimes be too late…but yes, we all have choice, sometimes, we need to be reminded that we do have choice…I think choice is one of the best gifts in life to realise we have…. :)

    – © Karin Taylor

  • Elaine Teague
    Elaine Teagueover 1 year ago

    So very true Karin. I hope these words will help anyone out there who is suffering this type of humiliating abuse.

  • Thanks so much Elaine, I know that it won’t make any difference, only to those who have already found strength to extricate…but I just felt like I had to write out this conversation between a loved one and the abused, so that I understood it better and could make more sense of it. I wish that it was just that simple, writing something that would change a person’s point of view and enable them to free themselves, but I realise, it will never be simple :( xx

    – © Karin Taylor

  • F.A. Moore
    F.A. Mooreabout 1 year ago

    I want to add, that the serious threats are often threats to the people the abused victim loves the most. Death threats. So they stay in the relationship to protect their family (father, mother, child, sister, brother, etc. from a threat that they believe will be carried out). Since the abused victims are “saving types” any way, meaning they stayed in the relationship in the first place, believing they could help the person who later became their abuser; these kinds of threats to family work and keep them in, when they are more than ready and eager to get out. Choices are not so clear cut, as it might seem to those who have never been in such an experience.

  • Dear Frannie, this is terrifying isn’t it, that the abuser stoops so low, as to threaten the lives of other family members, and I do know that in many cases, these aren’t idle threats, there is intention to carry them out….which is why those who extricate themselves are the bravest people, and so are their families. Having a dad in the police force, I’ve heard lots of true life stories, where people have taken their own lives, and that of their lovers and their own children, to make a point. It’s truly a terrifying thing and a heartbreaking experience, changing lives forever and ever. It’s never simple, always complicated. For those of us outside of the relationship, it is clear and simple. For those entangled, it will never be. My heart is so heavy. :( xox

    – © Karin Taylor

  • I also wanted to mention that I was reading that something like 70 percent of the violence, murders and suicides that occur in relation to abuse in relationships, happens during the time in between a breakup, where the abused person tries to walk away. This is the most dangerous time, and I think it requires some planning and assistance, and ensuring one has some money tucked away, a halfway house and some very strong support from family and friends….and a safe safe place for them and the kids. Having said that, I’ve also read that it can take up to 9 times of attempting to leave (and going back) before the person is truly able to extricate themselves. This is in and of itself pretty difficult odds, given the person is already losing the majority of their self esteem, I don’t know how they manage to get out……if only there was a way of navigating around these relationships, before the person puts hooks into the more niaeve one Frannie xxx

    – © Karin Taylor

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