All I can do is mourn for your loss, the losses you have sustained are so deep and so profound, they will affect you forever. You don’t have to experience the death of someone, to be plunged into grief. No, you only have to lose yourself to someone else, you only have to realise that your days have been spent loving someone who does not love you back, feeling for someone who doesn’t care about your feelings, being manipulated by someone who will lie to you, you only have to realise that although you’ve been authentic and genuine you’ve hooked up with someone who doesn’t know how to be. You think, how could you have fallen for it, and now the humiliation, the embarrassment,and everyone finding out….. and then the ‘going back’ to him after all anyway, which surprised you a little, but then, you always suspected you would. After all, was it really so bad? He’s remorseful now, isn’t he? He said, he’s going to really work at changing. I believe him. Right? Why wouldn’t I? Right? He was crying and sobbing and pleading, that’s got to be genuine, I’m sure he means it. He says he’s nothing without me. He realises he’s nothing without me. He’s promised me, it won’t happen again. I should give him another chance right? ………wrong.
My friend, this is the cycle or pattern of abuse, and because you haven’t been away from it long enough, you don’t have perspective to see or visualise the pattern. For you, you might think, but this has only happened once or twice, it’s not a pattern or a cycle, not yet. But I say to you, then please don’t let it become one. Because what will happen is, by Cycle 3, 4 and 5 you will be more deeply entrenched than you realise, by Cycle 6, 7, 8 your are probably doomed to live this way for the rest of your existence, by Cycle 9, 10, 11 you have dug your own grave.
Listen to me, as your friend who loves and supports you….there is a divide between you and him, don’t cross it. Let him find his own way, let him seek help, but from professionals who can help him. All you will do, is ‘enable’ him. That is sick and unhealthy. All he wants, is for you to ‘enable’ him. He doesn’t want to seek healthy professional help. You are not the ‘right’ help. You have no real idea about how to help him.
If you truly love him, let him go.
For information about the cycle of abuse, please click here