….this is an unusual write, in that, it is purely the conversation/running internal monologue of ceaseless thought that forms in my mind and I let it out, onto paper. …….it is a continuum, there is no beginning and no end to these thoughts…..or the different tangents my mind will seek to follow, in a sense, this is an excerpt from an ongoing and neverending monologue that goes on in my mind… therefore, do not berate me for my use of the three, four or five dots…. they are necessary to point out that these are ongoing and neverending internal thoughts, from which I have merely drawn an excerpt….
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..and I languish in this sea of lonely contemplation where the world might be anything but I would not care, the revolution and the exposition of my dalliance and daydream are but reminiscence now and nothing can move or stir me from my catatonia, I prefer it to the endless movements and motion, I prefer it to emotional confrontation and I am required to be here, my ‘self’ requires it and I regard it as bliss, until I find the need to extract myself, posthaste, should I begin to metamorphasise into something other than human, like the statues we revere of michaelangelo and st agnes and francis of assisi, I say let me be. It is all I have ever wanted, let me be. Let me sit on this precipice and contemplate all there is for in my mind, the contemplation is greater and has more purpose than all there is, for it is in understanding human nature, that we all fall short and I regard it as great gain to become one who studies same and learns all there is to know. For I falter at friendship, I falter at the altar…I falter in all things, I have known little, loved much, shrunk to smaller than I was, as light warms and withers little people like me. I will not become great, I will not become well known, I will remain the me that I am and in obscurity, be found. I shall work to be found not wanting and of a certain quality that cannot be named or worn or grown, but that innate something, will remain me, my essence, I will not share it or give it, but is it something that must be conquered and governed or merely accepted, I am not sure which. Perhaps it is vanity to seek such answers or to know such gain, however, it would seem to me that I am daily provoked to understand the human condition, as though I were picking apart the bones of the skeleton to see what underlies the flesh, and in so studying would gleen some treasure, some human genome, so that the immense pleasure of knowing what I claim not to know, would provide me with the dawning of a new day and end this ceaseless philosophising and endless caring that goes on night and day, even in my dreams. But in a second or flash of caring or love, the need to do so, relinquishes itself and vanishes overboard as surely as it was there, it abandons itself and draws away. What once permeated my thoughts and dreams, gone in a moment. For this is the way, the way of the thinker, who never ceases even for a moment, to caress his own thoughts and with him takes a backpack of same to every event and every circumstance, with one hand enjoying and partaking in conversation and with the other taking each sentence to dissect like a scientist in pure observation making mathematical equations from the very utterances of all that social disturbance. To make sense…..
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this is an unusual write, in that, it is purely the information that forms in my mind and I let it out, onto paper. …….it is a continuum, there is no beginning and no end to these thoughts…..or the different tangents my mind will seek to follow, in a sense, this is an excerpt from an ongoing and neverending monologue that goes on in my mind