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Compelled

Compelled

Looking into his eyes she didn’t know why she was so compelled. He had his shortcomings; she hated seeing him sad, feeling down. It tore her up inside; all she wanted to do was make it better. But then when she least expected it, he said something. Something to make her smile, make her laugh. She felt special when she was with him, felt needed.
Sure it was hard at times; to stay supportive, not to feel that it was too hard. That no matter how hard she tried she would always need to give more than she had. Those feelings passed, she beat them down, knowing that it was worth it. He was worth more than anything else she could think of.
Listening to his voice, she felt at home. Safe and secure; she knew that he couldn’t talk forever, but sometimes she wished he could. That she could lose herself in his voice, and forget all the worries she carried. The bliss.
Sometimes she didn’t trust herself, to try to explain to others what she felt. They never took her seriously anyway. How could they see what he had done to her. Grinning, she didn’t trust herself to explain that either.
So much love was stored up inside her, always pushed away by the expectations of others. Their needs became more important than her own, and soon she didn’t remember who she was anymore. But he opened the door they had shut; showed her the hope that she had been wishing for. And he didn’t even realize it.
Her past was not as she would have liked, clouded by shadow and dark patches of betrayal and loss. She kept so much to herself, not sharing her feelings for fear that nobody would care anyway. But suddenly she wanted to tell him, for him to know all the things that had led her to where she was. To know all of her; not just what she showed the rest of the world.
That noise he made. It sent shivers up her spine every time she heard it. Knowing that she could make him feel that way; it was something she never wanted to lose. Because just to love wasn’t enough, she needed to be loved back. Reminded of it, assured of it. It would kill her to lose it.
At times she dreaded what might be. Would she break his heart, and shatter hers, for foolish reasons; hating the thought of losing him. Of losing all they shared. To be with him, she would leave everyone else’s expectations behind; to stay at home until she’d finished tafe, or uni. To stay in the state for as long as they could hold her there. It wasn’t like she couldn’t learn in another state, for him it would be worth it.
These thoughts, sometimes they seemed easy, other times it all seemed too hard to deal with. New to all these feelings, not knowing what she was supposed to do. How she was supposed to act. Wanting to lie in his arms, to live in a perfect moment, not having to think. Not needing to know what to do. Only needing to know that he loved her, and she would do anything for him. Looking into his eyes she didn’t know why she was so compelled. Compelled to love him.

p.s. please read my unleashed entry

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