Empty places
I was aware of being pregnant for just over a month, but the official tests eventually came back as “blighted ovum.” Just after my 39th birthday, I’m told that this particular child is not going to be.
I am still working through everything feel about that.
Empty places belongs to the following groups:
Moms 4 ArtI hate being pregnant! I said
vociferously
adamantly
a whiny bitch on rant
whenever anyone would listen
I hate being ill every minute
I hate how I grow extra-fat
I hate having no caffeine
and buying maternity “fashions”
I hate the body pains to come
and being out of control of my own life
for allllll…. those…. months.
So that ugliness floated out in the ether
And, as I picture it,
When the Gods asked ‘round
for a sweet angel-baby soul
to come live with me
They each looked down upon me
and watched
and smiled
and graciously passed
None of them as brave
as the pixie-girl I already have.
But my body didn’t know
and prepared a place anyway
Something soft
warm, quiet,
well-cushioned with extra tummy
well-sheltered below swelling breasts
A welcoming place
left empty.
Looking back on who I’ve been
since the day the test was positive
I can’t say that I blame them.
I was much too selfish
too scared of exactly what happened
to project much happiness
to truly believe I could do this
most difficult, complicated,
momentous of womanly things
one more time.
It would be easy to believe
it’s another perfectly good reason
to hate my physical self
But truth is,
it was never my body’s fault.
The problem has always been
deep in my head
and my heart
and all their empty places.
mstrace
I love you
You know that, don’t you?
This made me weep.
JTomblinson
I know, sweet girl, I know.
I’m just sorry I bothered you while you were on vacation.
And yeah, I still cry every time I look at it too. :-)
Lisa Jewell
Heart wrenching……
I can’t help but think of ‘be careful what you wish for it just might happen” and yet that is just an impossible…because we are so very human, and yes I can understand exactly how you were thinking….but you were not willing away.
I am deeply sorry for your loss……
JTomblinson replied
Thank you for your kindness and taking the time to write! I feel like you see it exactly—I felt so many things all at once. Then when it’s over, all you can do is feel guilty about the reactions that were less-than. But writing about it has helped a lot; I haven’t written much in a very long time… Anyway, thanks again.
bellmusker
This made my throat hurt, and I had to swallow hard. Though it doesn’t mean much coming from a stranger, my thoughts are with you…..I wish you so much strength and light.
JTomblinson replied
Actually, I put great store in the kindness of strangers. ;) Thank you so much for your wishes!
Rochele Royster
Thank you so much for sharing this story. I think as women we can all relate to this on some visceral level….and i hope you don’t blame yourself for your loss. You are a courageous, strong, and giving person….
Rochele.
JTomblinson replied
Thanks, Rochele, you are too. :)
No, I don’t think I blame myself anymore, although I did for a while. Now I think more in terms of the very large picture, and why things happen for a reason. Maybe another baby in the future, but right now… it’s almost definitely for the best.
You know what the weird after-effect has been? I’m finally accepting that it’s OK to be a mom who likes taking pictures of kids most of all. Sublimating my wanting another baby, maybe? Doesn’t matter; I’m finally trying to do more photography for others, taking my art seriously. And that’s why I was so excited to find this group!
Mardra
Wow. Your emotion has moved you to create something powerful. I hope giving this to the universe has helped your internal struggle, it is very well done.
JTomblinson replied
Thanks very much, Mardra! For some things, writing does indeed help. And this was one of those times.
Katrina De'Vries
I’m having a hard time finding a way to respond to this. I suppose the best way is to say that I can relate, and understand this. I also think its wonderful you have been able to express this in words. I still can’t.
JTomblinson replied
Ahhh, darlin’, I understand—and you’re right, it’s hard to know what to say. :( I just hope that, if the loss we’re talking about is yours, that you give it time. I’m a little over six months away now, and it gets easier. Some pangs of it will probably never go away, but… after a while it doesn’t consume you like it once did. It does help to put it into words, if you can; you never have to show another soul, but it helps you process, y’know?
Sending you my best wishes and hopes!