Bible Man : Stream of Consciousness 4 by JPunko

Why do I insist on missing you. I want to bump into you somewhere and for you to smile and say you miss me. I want to believe you think about me like I think about you. Do you feel a lack of satisfactory closure? I don’t necessarily mean that I want closure nor do I want to finally seal off our friendship and the feelings I had for you. Those days we would spend on the blue couch in your basement watching metal videos and horror movies. The way we would lay together, with my head on your chest. I’ll never forget the night we went to Audobon Elementary and laid underneath the stars in the middle of the soccer field. Just the sound of faint melody of crickets beyond the edge of the woods playing as our soundtrack. That was the night I fell in love with you. The gleam in your eyes captivated mine and I couldn’t help but stare. I wonder what you were thinking. I think about it all the time. Why didn’t you kiss me, sitting there, on the grass by the swings. Or the time shortly after that, when I came home from North Carolina and couldn’t wait to see you after being gone for two weeks. When I walked through the dew stricken greens of the golf course cart path with an even mixture of anxiousness and nerves. You met me in the parking lot at 1am, we talked until 2, sat in silence until 2:30 and then you kissed me. I was looking down, wondering why you don’t like me, why I have wasted all this time. Then, finally, your grab my chin ever so sweet and look me in the eyes, “I’ve wanted to kiss you for so long,” and you do. And it was beautiful. Your soft lips against mine, your warm hands on my waist, pulling me into the driver seat. You grab my hand and intwine our fingers as I pull my left leg over the gear shifter. The windows begin to fog with the humidity of a sweaty summer night and the passion we have for each other. It’s getting late, the sun begins to break, but for some reason our hands cannot part from one another’s body. Weeks pass and I don’t see you, this part of my memory I’ve blocked. The phone rings, and we’re going to Muhllenburg to visit Max with Adam and James. Nothing is the same. You don’t answer my calls, so I stop. The communication ends, but I still wonder. What was it that night that changed. What was it, that night in your car, that made you change your mind. Am I not good enough? I sadly still think about you all the time, the contagious sweet laugh you had. How I could tell when you were upset by the look in your eyes. The mole on your check that I wish was mine to kiss. The way you get excited about new videos from death metal bands. I miss the way we made watching Bible Man awesome, and Davey & Goliath. Playing with Bugsy, he was my favorite cat. I remember the time I threw up down the side of your car, and you didn’t freak out, you just wanted to make sure I was ok. You didn’t let me feel as embarrassed as I was. I miss you and it is driving me crazy. I remember when I bumped into you at Montco and we made plans that never worked out. I wish they would have worked out, I wish this would have worked out. I wish you wanted me the way I wanted you for so long. I just didn’t know it. But now all I have is regret. Should I have told you how I feel? Should I still try, or is it too late? How do you know when it is too late? I want to contact you, but I don’t want to awkwardly ask Regina. I wish you wanted to see me, maybe you do? I want to hear your voice, I want to know that you’re doing well. I want to feel the warmth of your hand on my face. I love your hugs. I think that is what I miss most. You loved hugs. I was stupid and thought Joe was cute, but he wasn’t anything compared to you. Yours was the last voice I wanted to hear every night before I went to bed, and did. We would talk for hours about absolutely nothing, but it was the perfect ending to my days. I hope one day our paths will cross and we will meet again. Adiu to our past and a cheers to what may come.