Toys

I want to be unbreakable, you know strong.
Like the shit they wrap toys in nowadays.
But instead I became your toy.
With little pieces that always go missing,
And a painted on smile, that never fades.
I want to be real to you,
Totally tangible, never having to watch you slip away.
But I know how this goes, we do it far too often.
The stars in your eyes cover with haze,
And your touch doesn’t tame me,
It leaves me wishing for more.
As our kisses grow shorter, and your gaze pulls astray
I only want to beg you to just let me play.
But like a bored child,
I get left on the shelf
Hoping for another chance to just come down and be held again.
I sit thinking about how each moment with you once swept me away.
And I wait,
And I wait,
And I wait.
Because I know you’ll be back.
I hope you’ll be back.
With every second ticking by I wonder how much slower is time?
With every second ticking by I wonder if I’m on your mind.
Do you even know what’s gone?
Do you even know I’m alone?
Do you even know what scared feels like?
But once in a while, after months on the shelf I come down,
And you hold me like I’m new again.
So I fall, far from the lookout I so carefully maintained,
And I know that this time wont quite be the same.
Because,
I know,
I know,
Do you get it?! I know.
You’ll get bored again quicker,
Your smile will change,
And off to the shelf I’ll be whisked away.
But sometimes, kids forget about those toys.
When prettier ones come along.
When they find ones that aren’t as broken
by the hands they don’t know the strength of.
Do you know what happens next?
Mom brings in a box, and puts them away,
So that eventually you’ll remember your childhood days.
Then someday you’ll have a 5 year old daughter and you’ll bring it out.
Please, just leave me in the box.
Don’t show me to that little girl.
Because she was supposed to be my little girl.
Our little Scout Marie,
And once you learn that, they’re only a dream.
I won’t be a dream.
But I know You’ll spend your life wondering.
What if?
What if?
What if?
And I don’t want to be your what if.
I don’t want to be that possibility,
Don’t want to leave you wondering what the fuck happened.
So I give you all I’ve got.
Every funny noise that makes you laugh,
Every smile I can pull from your far to young eyes,
And I wish you were older,
Mature enough to realize what’s going to happen.
I don’t want to be the girl you refer to as your ex.
I don’t want to be X’d.
Crossed out like a check list,
On the perfect parchment of your skin.
Because when I’m in your hands, I don’t feel plastic.
I don’t feel like I was constructed and mass produced.
I don’t feel like I’m just a number.
I feel.
Does that even make sense?
I know I’m just a toy to you, but when I’m there,
And your looking at me
Lost somewhere in a tangle of cotton sheets
I feel,
I can sense the pressure of a beating heart,
I can hear the sound of gasping for air.
I see the beads of sweat glistening on your forehead.
They way your eyes shine like diamonds, pressed from the
pressure of knowing the worlds on your shoulders.
But did you know that when I’m with you,
I have the world at my feet.
But like all playtimes,
Carefully constructed and monitored to prevent injury,
You pull away and it ends.
It ends without warning,
It ends without pain,
I just ends.

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