Last week I reported I had discovered my wife’s odd sleeping patterns at night were not because she was having a nocturnal affair with a Mexican cab driver, but because she’s abducted by space aliens and whisked away for a couple of hours.
As you might imagine I was shocked, but she says she likes it and gets to go interesting places around the planet and the galaxy and do a little extra shopping.
And I must say some of the things she brings back, whilst a little weird, are often very tasty.
Talking of which, at the end of last week I noticed that she was looking cuter, she’d lost a little weight and a few wrinkles. She likes it when I pay her compliments, but this time I wasn’t lying to please her. She really did look good, younger in fact. We’re both sixty, and boy, shifting that weight and hiding those jowls is anything but easy. Then I really started to notice, she even got her hormones back, which, what can I say, was like getting Christmas in June!
Yesterday morning I woke to hear her singing in the bathroom. What a lovely voice. I’d almost forgotten, because lately she’d taken up coughing and cursing first thing. I was sat at the table with my Grape Nuts when she came out of the bathroom.
You’re all adults out there (if not, look away now) so I can tell you; she dropped her towel. I almost swallowed my spoon. She was stunning again, like she’d lost not just weight and got her figure back, but like she was, well, twenty years younger!
“Your hair is gorgeous,” I said looking at the blonde curls I’d only seen in photographs.
“Oh, you’re looking at my hair?” she said. “It’s real, it’s my own colour.”
“So darling, what’s happening.”
“The speed of light,” she said, “Einstein figured it out. When I go off with my little grey pals, we go really fast, close to the speed of light in fact.”
“So?” I said.
“It has the effect of making me younger, don’t ask me why George, but look.”
“Sweetie, I can see, it’s incredible. But are there any downsides to this? It doesn’t seem natural.”
“There is one. Have you looked in the mirror lately George?” she asked pulling up the towel. “You see whilst traveling at light speed makes me younger, it has the reverse effect back on earth. I am afraid you’re older George, haven’t you noticed.”
“Well, can’t say I have.”
“That’s men all over, you haven’t noticed?”
“Hair’s a bit thinner,” I said
“So old George that I wonder if you could even take advantage of me any more. Aren’t you interested in unwrapping your present?”
“Well, I could try.”
She came over to me, and sure enough the old fizz I used to feel had fizzled out. I could have cried.
“No matter,” she said.
“Because I’ve talked them, and next time you’re coming along too!"
(To be continued)
Abducted, it’s a trip!