Written on Tuesday, March 17, 2009 by John Thomas

I learn, grow and receive guidance and correction from just about every interaction I have with other beings. It has taken many years to get to a state of awareness that this constantly occurs. This state of awareness is not a destination. It is a journey that continues to refine and strengthen daily. In this article, I will outline some of the major hurdles I had to jump to get to a state of mind where this began.

The process that brought me to this state of awareness is not necessarily going to be the same for others. However, the lesions learned along the way are going to be similar. I will share my path in learning these lessons. If you find yours you can experience peace and joy that knows no limits.

The first thing I had to develop was a basic understanding of human nature. Several things gradually grew me in this regard. I read “How to Win Friends and Influence People” by Dale Carnage when I was 16. The title of this book does not reflect its true purpose. I would title it, “Understanding Basic Human Nature”. Once you have this “Understanding” it is up to you what you do with it. Certainly, there are immoral unethical people that have used the principles in this book to manipulate others to suit their own selfish desires. I believe the lessons in this book are more powerful when applied with genuine concern and love for others. The most important lesson I gleaned from its pages was not becoming offended by
the actions and attitudes of other people. Understanding it, did not mean I had to accept it. It helped me understand why others reject truth. It also helped me understand myself in this.

With this basic understanding of human nature internalized the stage was set for my next lesson. In my mid 20’s, I read the serenity prayer. "God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change; courage to change the things I can; and wisdom to know the difference. " (—Reinhold Niebuhr) During this time I also began to study the Christian Bible. I still glean wisdom and inspiration from its pages. The “Sermon on the Mount” and the “Proverbs” gave me the keys to internalize and apply the prayer.

Now I was ready for the next step. I had to learn to love myself unconditionally. Some call it self esteem or self respect. (There is no short way to describe this process. Many extensive works have been dedicated to this subject. I will describe, as briefly as possible, my path to this in the hope that others may find clarity.) Some things I thought, and did, were indicators I was not truly functioning with a healthy respect and esteem for myself. Hopefully some will wake up, as I did, and accompany me on this path of enlightenment.

My lacking in these areas of esteem manifested in drug and alcohol abuse. I also abused and neglected my body through junk food and lack of exercise. These were my manifestationsYours may be completely different. Perhaps you are healthy and fit and do not use alcohol or drugs. Your manifestations are there, if you honestly look for them, you will find them. Unless, of course, you already have established and function with a core of a “true self esteem.”

It is important to make a distinction here. I did not have a low self esteem. I had a false sense of esteem. This false sense was fed by external factors. For example relationships with others of a “low self esteem.” My encouragement and support of them gave me a false sense of worth. As I saw them improve it made me feel better. Another way I fed this false sense of worth was serving the needs of the less fortunate. I did so through food drives and participation in homelessness outreach programs etc. It made me feel important, when I did these things. It finally hit me, last year, when my dying mother told me that in order for me to
stop abusing food drugs and alcohol I had to constantly feed my “Need to be Needed.”

Gradually in the months following mom’s death I have begun developing a true self esteem. This is not a destination, it is a journey. It strengthens and clarifies with each passing day. I will share some thoughts regarding the things I used to do to build my false sense of esteem. One’s thoughts, actions and activities can be indicators of a true self esteem or feeding a false one. To do so, you must resist the natural tendency to justify your thoughts and actions. Finding mentors that love you enough to reveal you, to you, and have enough esteem for yourself to not wither and run from them is one of the important keys. Finding people like
this takes considerable effort. Most people are afraid to say things that might hurt your feelings.You will know when you meet the ones that are not afraid. They will say things that upset you. When this happenes take a step back. Logically look at what they said that upset you. Is their validity to what they are saying. This takes courage. Understand it takes courage to not justify your actions and lie to yourself. Also, be careful there are plenty of mean people out there that don’t care about you and the things they say will not be valid.

When you help someone and they are unappreciative does it affect you in a negative fashion? Perhaps you feel hurt, abused, taken advantage of or indigent etc. If such is the case then you were helping others to feed your false sense of worth! Do you receive praise and adoration for your deeds and encouragement of others? Does it elevate your mood and excite you when it happens? Were you in a rut, emotionally, before you were praised? Again, you were feeding a false sense of worth! Can you love and help others and know deep down that regardless of rejection or praise that you helped to help, not to build your esteem? Can you accept their rejection if they don’t get it and still love them? When that happens, you will know you are doing for the sake of love and service toward others. Nothing external can take that away from you. That is “true self esteem.” Please understand this is a continuous process. You will not just wake up one day and no longer be subject to the actions of others. The injustice, ungratefulness or praise and worship will still cause intense feelings. Especially when it is directed toward you. Here is something that will clarify what I am trying to express. It was
found written on the wall in Mother Teresa’s home for children in Calcutta:

People are often unreasonable, irrational, and self-centered. Forgive them anyway.

If you are kind, people may accuse you of selfish, ulterior motives. Be kind anyway.

If you are successful, you will win some unfaithful friends and some genuine enemies.
Succeed anyway.

If you are honest and sincere people may deceive you. Be honest and sincere anyway.

What you spend years creating, others could destroy overnight. Create anyway.

If you find serenity and happiness, some may be jealous. Be happy anyway.

The good you do today, will often be forgotten. Do good anyway.

Give the best you have, and it will never be enough. Give your best anyway.

In the final analysis, it is between you and God. It was never between you and them anyway.

-this version is credited to Mother Teresa

Here’s an amazing that happens. When you are functioning through a core that is rooted in a true self esteem and tempered with humility and unconditional love toward all. You will emit a very positive energy. Yes, my hippie friends, you will give off good vibes. Since there is no longer energy being wasted, on your part, and drawn from others, feeding your false sense of esteem, a couple things will start happening.

Others around you will intuitively manifest with insight, instruction, help, love,
inspiration and guidance that is tailored specifically for your growth. The negative
manifestation of your “Good Vibes” will introduce you to someone called “Energy Vampires.” (More on “Energy Vampires” in a moment.) You have experienced both of these aspects already during your life, at various times. As you begin to function most of the time in the moment with a true self esteem internalized, you will notice both the manifestations mentioned above with increasing intensity! Each needs to be tempered with humility and assertiveness, respectively..

On the one hand, the respect praise and adoration you will receive from others can intoxicate and corrupt you unless it is tempered with humility. Here is my way of thinking of it. (I am no better than anyone yet I am not worse either, I just am.) On the other hand, the grief and degradation that you receive from negative souls can stress and depress you to the point of becoming physically ill. It can manifest through unhealthy frustration and anger.(I use the word unhealthy here because there is such a thing as righteous indignation. Christ was a good example in this principle. He called the Pharisees “snakes” and “vipers” and he threw the merchants out of the temple courtyard! He even got physical and turned over their tables.) Regarding the “negative souls”, I suggest you research “Energy Vampires” and equip yourself to deal with them effectively. Building assertiveness is a gradual process. Be careful that you do not over do it! I like to say it this way. Loving unconditionally does not mean you have to put up with abuse.

Loving unconditionally also means you should learn to exercise “tough love.” It is not easy to do and say things that you know will hurt others. Just remember it is still love. I suggest you spend some time internalizing this concept. Constantly criticizing and correcting others, even if it is constructive can be inappropriate for the given situation. It is specially counter productive when conducted in a group situation. Get them one on one and let them know you love them before calling
them on their crap. Many of these “Energy Vampires” are unaware of what they are doing. So, love them, don’t allow them to drain you and tactfully call them out with love not indignation. They will get it or not. It is no reflection on you.

Take stock in yourself and be aware if the positive experiences are boosting you into a prideful state. Focus on maintaining true humility through this process and you will continually learn and be guided to higher levels of awareness. You can and will learn, be guided, helped, corrected and inspired through most experiences with others beings, both positive and negative.

I have intentionally avoided giving you specific examples of the situations that I sense regarding these, “soul to soul” experiences with others. I do this because the sensation will be unique to you. Attempting to rationally analyze your experiences through descriptions of mine will actually hinder you. Focus on jumping your unique hurdles and rest assured you will know you are on your way when it starts
happening.