My life is worthless i am nothing why do i even exist why can’t i just crawl under the nearest rock and die how can i go on living in this world all meaning has left i do not want to live anymore forty years on this planet including twenty wasted sitting here at this desk and i get no respect my parents didn’t even respect me why did they hit me so much i can’t remember ever being happy with them Daddy was always drunk and screamed at mother Why do you do these things Don’t you know that I have to hurt you now I don’t want to do it but you make me Don’t look at me like that This is your own fault you know oh god why did He have to hit her so much why did He have to hit me i didn’t do anything wrong No No Please Daddy Don’t be angry I didn’t mean to do it It was an accident Put the belt away You don’t need the belt I’ve learned my lesson Please It will never happen again I promise NO NO STOP PLEASE STOP i think that He loved me that is why He hit me it was for my own good it was all my fault if i hadn’t been born He might have been happier if i hadn’t been born my wife wouldn’t have had to live with me for so long even though she didn’t want to live with me and then she wouldn’t have had such a rotten life and she would be happier if she had never met me all this is nothing the money my job my life the only thing i really cared about is gone my wife my daughter i miss my daughter i wish i could see her once more before i go i wish i could hold her in my arms and tell her how much of a failure i am she will never understand that i mean nothing to anyone mommy and Daddy were right to hit me i am a waste of breath i was rotten and lazy and i had to be punished STOP CRYING OR I WILL GIVE YOU SOMETHING TO CRY ABOUT WHY DON’T YOU GROW UP AND ACT LIKE A MATURE ADULT GET GOOD GRADES GET A JOB GET OUT I NEVER WANT TO SEE YOU AGAIN NEVER NEVER why couldn’t they just accept me for who i am and get on with their lives why couldn’t they just love me why did my wife have to take my lovely daughter with her why did they have to leave without saying good-bye WHY WHY WHY i can’t go on anymore i have to end it end it all this job wasn’t that good anyway Oh look, there’s a cardinal outside my window. Oh, he sings so beautifully. His red feathers seem so bright in the noonday sun. i wish i was as free as that bird so i could fly anywhere i wanted red is always a nice color especially the color of blood running down a wall from a bullet through my head causing my brain to explode out the back of my head leaving little pieces of brain on the wall behind me for the asshole janitors to clean up and the fucking slackers of this company will have to pay for it and if my blood stains the white carpet well who really gives a fuck at least i will always be a permanent part of the company that they can never get rid of with a piece of pink paper shoved under my god damn door downsizing my ass ruining this carpet and pissing off Steve sounds like fun Now where did I leave my pistol. I know that it is in this office somewhere, I just can’t remember where I put it. Oh yes. It’s in my briefcase. I don’t know how I could forget that it was there. oh man my briefcase is across the room i don’t want to move from this chair the soft leather on my back and under my legs is so relaxing i am too comfortable either that or i am just too lazy to get up maybe that is what that bastard Steve meant when he told me that my job performance had gone downhill since that bitch left me maybe i was being fired because i had become so fucking lazy that i wouldn’t even get off my lazy fat ass just to walk across the soft white carpet I never realized how white the carpet in this office was. It looks so beautiful in the sunlight… to get my own fucking briefcase this is one time that fucking bastard Steve won’t be right about me i am not lazy i will get up and walk across the soft white plush carpet all the way across the office through the warm sunlight as it shines through that little tree with the cardinal in it Oh no. That little cardinal flew away. I must have frightened him. pick up my briefcase and bring it back across the room shit this thing looks so old why did i ever really need a briefcase all i ever keep in it are a few pens and my lunch man these corners seem like they are going to fall right off i wish the metal corners that were on here when i first bought this thing were still there they made this thing look so sophisticated now it just looks like crap oh shit where did this fucking split come from i never saw this thing before of course it runs right down the middle of the entire case oh well i guess i will never know where it came from not that i really wanted to know anyway the handle even looks like it is about to fall off why would a perfectly sane person even consider putting their name on that little name tag on the handle anyway i must have been crazy to put my name there i even put my fucking address on it man this thing is so fucking stupid i guess i won’t need this thing anymore so i will just rip it off and throw it i will rip it off and well shit it doesn’t come off that easily so i guess i’ll just keep it on here now what did i want with this thing anyway i don’t ever use it except to keep oh yeah now i remember i wanted my gun now what was that combination to the lock oh yes my ex’s birthday i’ll have to write myself a note to remember to change that later wait there won’t be a later oh well i guess that bitch will be the last thing to go through my head besides the bullet i miss my daughter i always loved her and treated her well that bitch just didn’t love me anymore i hate the bitch for stealing my daughter away from me why couldn’t she just let me have one more moment with my beautiful daughter oh how i miss them both i mean i raise my hand to them once and out the door they go i didn’t even hit them that hard it was just a reflex my Father did it to me and my mother and we stayed with Him so why did they have to leave me boy this gun is heavier than i thought its been a while since i’ve actually had to use this thing i hope i still remember how to use it the last i remember someone told me it is like a camera just point and click i hope the bullets are still good do bullets have an expiration date well i will soon find out is this going to hurt nah can’t bottoms up wait that’s alcohol fuck it who cares oh well here goes nothing. . . . fuck you lisa . . . . love you Dad. . . .
White carpet covered the entire office floor. Across from the door was a large window that looked out over a parking lot full of expensive imports and a few rolling wrecks. A small, almost bare tree stood silently in front of the window. A few rays of sunlight broke through the branches of the tree casting a crooked shadow on the floor. A black leather couch with matching pillows was against the far wall. Across the room, directly across from the couch, was a large, finely carved mahogany desk. Two Victorian leather chairs were arranged in front of the desk. Pens and papers were scattered all over the top of the desk. At the head of the desk was a brass nameplate engraved with the words:
“ASSISTANT DIRECTOR OF OPERATIONS.”
A dark brown briefcase with worn and faded corners, lay on the left side of the desk, still open. A note inside, scrawled in red ink, read, “change combo.” On the wall behind the desk were employee of the month awards and the diploma earned by a man named James Beeres. A single bullet hole was in the diploma just above the words “MAGNA CUM LAUDE.” Blood ran down the white wall into crimson puddles staining the carpet below. Clumps of hair lay on the floor and stuck to the wall. The body of James Beeres lay slumped over his desk, a large hole in the back of his head.
Across the building in the lobby sat Lisa Beeres, waiting to meet her husband. She spoke candidly with the receptionist, who was only casually listening to her. She sat in an uncomfortable hard plastic and metal chair describing the troubles they’ve been having recently. Lisa spoke of surprising James and hoping to talk to him about reconciling their differences, possibly living like a family again.
The sound of sirens approached from the distance. Lisa continued speaking, oblivious.