I would challenge the biggest part of me to be involved in a connection and this work to bring open all the things I am a master at hiding. A connection of constant reminder of what is not true to my deepest self. Although I bind too soon to what it evokes as many times it drives me into madness and insanity. Insane competitiveness, rejection and hate. Self lashing worthlessness. Even at time superstition and revenge. It is like no drug I have ever had. Viciously eating at all that could be good.
When I can breathe away from these energies I source to befriend in me a direction of divine balance and grace. A dedication I will accomplishing in life once I bring understanding to these parts. With the hiding I have never really wanted to hide. I have just had mass disconnection within myself due to not understanding experiences in life. A depth of sensitivity with these experience brought mistrusting with confusion and as a result I have been fighting ever since to secure this sensitivity.
In constant conflict with my environment I fight with life and have pushed it to the edge many times. Even being in anger for not being able to take it over the edge. In contrast when life was the way I wished, I would sabotage out of revenge. This revenge was due to unconscious patterning from childhood and maybe for now I also feel it is beyond this extent. I am getting under to fully comprehend this magnitude of why such force comes and holds life at ransom for me. This punishment drives an insanity in me pushing against everything that could bring nourishment for me.
I know I enable these energies to stand in force as I am not always respectful of wanting to understand why such energies have strength to stand. I know I am getting better I just have to stop holding to sabotage when I do get in depth to these ways.
I have struggled with knowing who I am and because of this have constantly judged, competed and compared myself to others. This way of thinking could only ever be very detrimental to the truth thus adding more to the struggle. Understanding only the low esteem and lack of self secure I felt I deserved this determent. Determent due to lacking self belief and self empowerment. Even though within myself at times it felt like I was bettering or lowing myself against others, under these thoughts I ached to be and know me. Especially in the environment and connections that challenge me into these directions. Life I know is not for my determent. Life is for enjoyment and can capture realisations and free me from these directions. Life can open me to experiences to bring truth and freedom to Be. To Be in the true essence of me. I have to stop vanishing myself into these energies of struggle. A time precedent in this extent was when this was first in placed. Why creation vanished such equality and purity of union. . I feel this equality extracted in relationship wasn’t in clarity in the first place. I do find it extremely hard to be in grace with any understanding. When I can forgive and not be in revenge for the taking. I will obtain more trust in the sourcing. In poise I will understand the truth of it all. I have to know it wasn’t for the disgust of me but the vanishing was apart of what was to be. I do swing and this swing is insane but I have to confide and intrust that the anchor is set. The pendulum will rest upon the middle road. This equality will flourish again in self and in relationship as it is a true essence of life. I do know equality in life is what I do source. To be in knowing this time, it will be for time without end. Life will obtain unification as interaction in relationship with be in equality again.
Befriending the ocean in me.. ..as life is to befriend in you.
Watertoy
Hhhmmm…the power of the mind. I think you’re quite talented and am surprised that you would have insecurities and low-esteem, as from the outside it looks like you have it all together and are quite balanced. It’s an interesting read and I’m now looking at the ocean in me too. Take care. :)
joanna77 replied
Hi Dale, thankyou for reading and your comment. It is rewarding to express the inner world as it helps you understand the outer world. Most have insecurities it is a matter whether people are aware to them. If people did have a inner world of balance and peace then we be living in different world of equality and stability. Appearance can be deceiving. I have been good at hiding and am really looking to take ownership inside with what has been going on. We protect ourselves too much and most aren’t aware to there inside energy. Was thinking about the protection thing again yesterday and thought how we were told as children, think it was mainly Dad as it came from his mother ‘that children should be seen and not heard.’ Also always getting told to get over it or get on with it, when I was being too sensitivity. I have held guilt for the insecurity as I know I was also told, that I am better off them others. I guess when I was told all these things, if it was for honesty and to bring me out of the self absorption, then it most probably would have got me an awareness to help myself be grateful and humble. Now I see I was told this to protect and hide the perceived weaknesses and emotions. So am coming used to expressing without such guilt. We can all have a voice and what we have been dealt in life, is life for us to understand. So interesting I am finding more that energy in speaking has much anything with how we are. Much relates back to our first relating in the world as children. Sure way to living your deepest self in life is to understand all the parts of you. This is going inside and asking questions to yourself in a direction for truth. I can be quiet balanced but with being open with what is going on in the inside, I know I am settling myself in a direction of the pure union in and outside of myself for life. Hope you have been well Dale. Very grateful and thanks again for reading. Take care also.
chrisdade
Simply divine!!
joanna77 replied
very touched that you have read and commented on this Chris. Thankyou for the favourite also. Very encouraging and empowered. To express and open creatively to life without worry about who gets my writing or images has been a big thing for me to overcome. I still get stuck but rewarding to know that I have broken out of some of my ways, as abling myself to put up writing. thankyou so much again for your time on viewing this piece. Creativity is a beautiful space to live from.
chrisdade
To speak, act and live by the heart is what it means to be alive for me. To take that risk and bear yourself open on a page can be scary yet also an amazing experience of connection and liberation. Your work is beautiful and meant to be shared, so let that heart flow freely and inspire the world my friend :)
joanna77 replied
very touched again by your encouragement and support. To take a risk and bear yourself open is beautiful as expressed in your words. Warm wishes and thankyou