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red bub ...an idiots guide

av already put this in various groups as a journal but i just wanted tae try an help as many folk as i could so dinny worry if ye huv already seen this elsewhere. i ken i struggled here when i first joined …an av steadily got worse! so huv a wee read am sure it will be o great benefit tae ye!

an idiots guide tae red bub an photys … nane o yer high tec shite here..just tellin te truth..lol

1.do take yer lens cap aff afore ye take a photy cos ye canny kid oan forever that yer photys ar aw night shots
2 dinny drink afore ye take photys or they will aw end up like ma shite
3 hing oan do drink afore ye take photys cos if yer sober it gets awfy complicated
4 dinny take dugs wi ye if yer oan a photy shoot, they nick yer sandwiches
5 do take a tripod ..its great for hangin yer jacket oan when ye are takin photys
6 dinny fidget wi yer f stop thingy cos when ye get hame an check oot yer photys they will be rubbish
7 do fidget wi yer he haws its much mare fun,(sorry ladies you can find somethin else tae fidget wi)
8 an definatly dinny fidget wi that wee exposure thing.who the hell wants tae wait half an hour afore yer shuter decides tae shut.
9 do choose an interestin subject..naebody wants tae see a photy o yer granny eatin an ice lolly oan the beach at portabello
10 dinny be upset if someone says yer shite, cos ye probably are an should take up knittin, hing oan a need a new ball o wool
11 dinny buy an expensive camera they huv to many gittery things an ye canny afford tae replace it when ye throw it in the loch after a partcularly bad photy.
12 do buy a decent editin suite like photyslop or adopey pro or somethin cos it makes even ma pish look reasonable
13 if in doubt press delete
14 do join a guid photy web site like red bubble cos theres some right crap oan there an ye will feel a hunner times better after checkin oot some o the pish folk put up
15 dinny slag folk off oan the web site ye join ,oops to late
16 do make friends oan the site an get some comments tae help ye i will never forget ma first comment , i wis so excited it said “this is stunning , in aw ma days in red bubble never has a photy held ma attention for so long how anyone could be responsible for a photy as pants as this is beyond belief..please sell your camera” well that just encouraged me i couldny believe someone wid take the time tae coment
17 do put lots o folk oan yer watch list
18 if yer a married guy make sure they are aw ugly or blokes cos if yer wife checks oot yer list an there aw lovely yev had it!
19 favorite a lot o photys ye can learn frae, if ye fav aw mine ye will ken that ye can dae better than that rubbish
20 favorite a lot o nudey wimmin , oops sorry that slipped oot
21 tell folk when ye think there photys awfy, ye will probably never meet them in the flesh
22 read folks journals ye get a lot o help an ye can help others, i remember readin aboot a wifey that couldny take photys lookin in tae the sun.i helped her oot..i told her tae turn the other way
23 dinny spend hours oan red bubble, yer wife will think yer chattin wimmin up, ..as if…just cos aw yer favs huv tits an bums oan them disny mean anythin
24 dinny be afraid tae ask advice , cos then ye can blame someone else for poxy photys
25 do get lots o books wi photys in them, i can lend ye some playboy, penthouse etc
26 do try an get a decent DOF when takin yer photys, i think that means dug on focus..i do that, aw ma photys huv a dug in them
27 if ye canny get yer automatic colour correction tae work just make it black an white
28 if it still looks shite bin it
29 if ye constantly huv tae sharpen yer shots up cos they are always a bit blurred yer probably an alchoholic
30 dinny let anybody else touch yer camera, there probably much better than you
31 if ye feel the need tae go oot in the rain an take photys ye should probably seek help frae a phsychiatrist , ye should be in the hoose in front o the fire
32 join a club wi folk that huv the same interests..im in alchoholics annonymous
33 walkin miles intae some remote spot for photys is a guid idea..if yer aff yer heed…why no just take photys o a wee bumble bee oot yer back garden
34 try an get aw yer family tae share in yer hobby..ma wifes great ..when we go awa for the day tae take photys she carries aw ma stuff an then i send her for a carry oot
35 gettin the light right is really important in yer photy if yer shite .make everythin really dark so no one can tell
36 remember the rule o thirds when takin photys..this means only a third o everythin ye take will be reasonable..the other two thirds will be keich
37 also when pointin yer camera at yer subject make sure yer fuckall length is ok , .this means if its no ok the shot will be fuckall use
38 dinny by a great big camera wi lots o attachments cos when ye pit it in yer bag theres nae room for laphroaig
39 try an write somehin interestin aboot yer photy, for instance heres ma cousin twice removed oan ma grannies dads side stannin next tae ma maws next door neighbours best pal isny exactly rivetin stuff
40 spice it up just tell lies, ie heres ma cousin just seconds before he chopped up his next door neighbour for playin michael buble songs is much better.
41 enter lots o challanges …comin last aw the time is good cos ye can only get better
42 if ye win a challange its probably your own group an ye disqualified everyone else
43 a big thrill is gettin featured..folk feature you when they feel sorry for you or want tae give everybody else a guid laugh at yer sad attempt at photography
44 if some one says superb ..its just like ansel adams.. they are more than likely being sarcastic and rollin aboot oan the floor laughin at you
45 no amount of editin is gonny make a self portrait look any good dinny beleive it when folk say you look gorgeous …i ken ..folk are always sayin am hunky…its just a typo ..they missed oot a c in hunky
46 am knackered noo
48 if ye want tae boost yer sales oan red bub buy yer ain ..i bought ten o ma ain christmas cards an made a fortune…hing oan ….shit i lost £22.75
49 watch out for folk stealin yer work an sayin its theirs ..i dinny huv that concern ..theres nae blind folk oan rb
50 last but no least just enjoy yersel ..sell yer camera, dae somethin yer good at, dinny come oan here an let folk rip the pish oot ye,theres mair tae life than speakin tae cyber pals, get a life .no ye canny can ye yere trapped like me ..feart folk will talk aboot ye when yer no on …lol

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an idiots guide tae red bub frae an idiot!

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Comments

  • Linda Ridpath
    Linda Ridpathover 4 years ago

    Ah fantastic information there Joak, now i know what i have been doing wrong all this time. Ya bloody idiot!!!! well done, its good to laugh so early in the morning! xxxx

  • glad it helped you pal!..

    – joak

  • Wolfdocter
    Wolfdocterover 4 years ago

    Indeed…
    i’ve already comited on dis else whare, but it too good ta pas oop tha oppotunity!!!
    This be ma new bible!

  • appreciate it mate..hope it helps ye become brilliant!

    – joak

  • TextureoftheSin
    TextureoftheSinover 4 years ago

    LOLOLOLOLOL!!!!

    You are precious :)

  • ha ha glad ye think so!

    – joak

  • Karl Williams
    Karl Williamsover 4 years ago

    Jeez .. I knew I’d been doing summat wrong .. I’ve now sold all my gear and have taken up bomb disposal .. much less stressful ..

  • ha ha aye its no easy bein shite

    – joak

  • janeymac
    janeymacover 4 years ago

    brilliant as usual but q18 you saying I’M ugly loll cheers Jane

  • lol i am only kiddin pal..just keepin the wife at bay!

    – joak

  • Shaun Whiteman
    Shaun Whitemanover 4 years ago

    Fantastic Joak,very funny mate, number 12 works for me too!! lol!

  • lol its ok if ye ken how tae work them!.. ta for that

    – joak

  • Valerie Anne Kelly
    Valerie Anne K...over 4 years ago

    Och big ma yur magic fur sure canny stop laughin’ tae maesen noo lol! – inst fave ;} happy hippy hugglez

  • lol ta val !

    – joak

  • shadowlee
    shadowleeover 4 years ago

    superb work……………..oooppppss let me get of the floor……..just kidding

  • lol i here your aye oan the floor !

    – joak

  • inkedsandra
    inkedsandraover 4 years ago

    Great laugh!

  • halo sandra nice tae see ye

    – joak

  • Mark Snelling
    Mark Snellingover 4 years ago

    LOL, great stuff!

  • hi mark mate braw that ye popped in ..ta for the fav ..glad ye hud a laugh

    – joak

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