Heart meet Brain. Brain meet Heart. Try not to kill each other.

Insomnia. It’s horrifying and sometimes a necessary evil. Gives someone time to lie there and love someone so much, miss them until it’s painful. Absorb a lot of hurt and wonder how will I ever make it to wake up again. Oh right. Never slept anyway, so waking up wasn’t a problem. It’s not like you’ll read this. You weren’t interested before, and sure as shit you wouldn’t be interested now.

I knew in my mind you weren’t loving me. I knew a lot of things. In my head – I’d let you go a long time ago. There was too much hurt there, too many things said, not said. Done, not done…by both of us.

My heart, however, hasn’t been able to release you. I knew and know what is good for me – and the kids. I was appalled when I was in tears on the phone…and it was assumed that it was you on the other end. A small fist offering to smack it out. It was like a slap in the face that day. They sensed it was wrong. They saw the tears. No matter what excuse I gave to them about it, they knew and I knew. They saw a bit of it yesterday too – tried to hide, but couldn’t. They just cuddled me close and drew me pictures. They’re beautiful. We’re a beautiful little family, and will survive just fine as a three – but we’ll miss you. You’ve been a big part of us. It’s a hole that can’t be filled. It’s not like you’re replaceable. And I don’t want to replace you. I still love you.

I never asked you for much. That much I know. I just wanted you to want me back. Not yell at me. Not tell me things or fire off in anger at me. Want to be with me… The night you got drunk – you know the one I mean. It wasn’t fair. I haven’t stopped loving you anyways and hoped for the best. But for me… That night was where my brain shut you off. You left my place and there were no tears – and without really realizing it, I sabotaged things from my end. I didn’t txt you as much. I didn’t call you as much. I went out more often and did my own things. I went to the beach by myself, took up sports I had always wanted to do but for whatever reason never had. Waiting for approval? Waiting for you to want to participate? Life is too short. I still wanted to believe in us. But really. I didn’t. Doesn’t stop this hurt though. Doesn’t stop me feeling sick – thinking of my life without my best friend. I miss you. I’ve missed you for a long time. I’ve been lonely, and found company with other people. Even though I wanted it to be you.

I could tell from your harsh words some days, from the dismissive "I didn’t actually mean thats – ", amongst other things that you couldn’t possibly love and respect me in a way that would be forever. I can’t pick who I love. I love you. Always have. Always will. Maybe one day you’ll wake up and see me again as that love of your life who you wanted to have this family unit with. My heart will always wish it were so. My ears will always tune in for your voice, the sound of your car pulling in, and the gentle hellos with a smile that you used to give me. My eyes will always flick over to see if it’s your number coming in. I’ll never stop remembering how it felt to be held by you. Bulletproof. Safe. That’s how it felt inside me anyways. That’s what I wanted to feel again. That’s why I wanted to try.

Love of my Life. What more can I say about it? I have everything to offer. Just not what you wanted, in the end.

My emotions for you will forever be Love. I can’t do a thing about that. There were really great times with you. Yes, a lot of turmoil – but I don’t want to focus on that. I want to remember you as the kind loving man I fell hard for. My beautiful guy – that I adored… and couldn’t ultimately have. You were emotionally unavailable. It’s been this way since day one. You were up and down with us every few months and I was destroyed every few months. Then it would be my turn. It kept changing and I never knew where I was with you, and just when I would think it was fine. Well. Something would happen and one of us would lose it. Don’t kiss someone if you don’t mean it. Don’t hold them close if it really doesn’t matter. I meant it. That’s what hurts the most.

Maybe one day we’ll both grow up. Maybe one day we’ll see each other again – and think. Wow. I let you go? I keep ticking over in my head where I went wrong. Lots of things I would change if I could -

—Can’t pick who we fall in love with. But I wish to God we could.

Heart meet Brain. Brain meet Heart. Try not to kill each other.

jnm0809

West Kelowna, Canada

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