“Oh bugger oh bugger oh bugger” a voice screamed hysterically “why am I the one who’s always the bait?!”
That would be Bob Scott he’s aged 19, slightly overweight and is currently running for his life.
“You said that the damn thing wouldn’t be awake!!!” he screamed running past his friend Oliver Hamilton who was the complete opposite to Bob in that he was not overweight in fact he was quite muscular and he was not running for his life. What he was doing was trying to sneak into Halen art gallery in the city of Coda.
“Will you stop screaming!” he hissed “you’ll wake the whole bloody street at this rate and then we’ll have the old bill down on us faster then a lemming jumping off a cliff!”
He turned back to trying to pick the lock; which was turning out to be an extremely difficult process (possibly due to the fact that he was trying to pick a lock with a pin, as he’d left his lock picking tools at his Nan’s house). Bob ran past him with the guard bear running after him.
Perhaps an explanation is due as to why Bob was currently running for his life up and down Tangerine Street in Coda city and as to what Coda city is and where it is. Coda city is on a planet somewhere that’s very like Earth well infact it is Earth or one of several at least. This is possible due to the whole theory of their being multiple universes and each one has a multiple Earth and so on and so forth.
Now on this earth many things are possible for one bears all regularly found guarding art galleries, two magic does exist but the only people who use it live in little camps and dance around fire’s naked (not all that different from our earth really), three the protestants and Catholics in Ireland get on and infact often go for drinks together and finally you never got Indiana Jones 4.
Bob Scott was a nice ordinary lad he was a bit overweight but not too much, he had short brown hair, a bulging nose that you just wanted to grasp and say honk, his eyes were extremely blue and he was always the bait when him and Oliver went out robbing. He was also one of the before mentioned people who can use magic by dancing around a fire naked.
Oliver Hamilton on the other hand was not an ordinary lad he came from a long line of extremely successful crooks who had amassed quite a fortune at one time (and consequently lost it by trusting one member of the family to look after the money, he subsequently ran off to Spain and was never heard from again), he was slightly muscular, with medium length blonde hair, green eyes and a perfect nose, also he was never the bait.
Anyway back to them breaking into the art gallery, where was i? Ah yes! Bob had just run past Oliver.
“Look Bob just give it the fish!” said Oliver not taking his eyes off his task
“Oliver we’ve been over this I’m not going to give this big hairy sod my kipper!” bob screamed as he again ran past Oliver “it’s for me Nan’s tea”
Oliver sighed and gave up trying to pick the lock, he turned to face the street and stuck his foot out just as Bob ran past him, which of course sent Bob flying. He then walked over to Bob and rifled through his pockets until he found the kipper.
“Aha!” he said with an edge of triumph to his voice
He held up the kipper and the bear skidded to a halt and eyed Oliver suspiciously almost as if it You know that im going to forget all about you for 10minutes while I eat that succulent juicy fish”
Oliver grinned and threw the salmon down the street. The bear looked down the street and then back at Oliver before grunting and running off down the street after the fish.
Oliver slapped Bob awake, Bob sat up and looked at Oliver with a look of surprise.
“Oliver? I could have sworn I was being slapped by a giant potato”
Oliver looked at Bob incredulously
“Why the heck would you be getting slapped by a giant potato?” he said
“Well apparently I’d eaten its wife, mother, brother, father and friends, I mean it had a point I have a fair few potatoes in my time” bob said sadly
“Well fair enough” said Oliver “anyway can you use magic to open up this door?”
“I need a fire for that Oliver”
Oliver reached into his pocket and produced his Zippo lighter
“Now we both know that technically all you need is a naked flame” said Oliver a smile spreading across his face
Bob looked at the lighter for a minute then looked back at Oliver comprehension dawning on his face
“No No No” he said, “if you think I’m going to strip down naked and dance around your bloody lighter you’ve got another thing coming!”
Ten minutes later Bob was stark naked in the middle of the street and was dancing around Oliver and his lighter. Soon the flame suddenly erupted and hit the keyhole in the door, there was a click as the lock turned and the door swung open.
“Ok now the doors open can I put my clothes back on Oliver?!” bob whimpered as he lowered one hand to his tackle hiding it from view of the guard bear that had just finished it’s fish and had turned around getting an eyeful of Bob’s crown jewels and was now lying on the floor whimpering with both paws over it eyes.
Oliver looked at the bear and then back at Bob an amused smile playing over his face.
“I think you’d better that poor bear looks like it’s going to be scarred for life”
As Bob was pulling on his clothes and apologising to the bear (who was by now sat up and just cradling it’s head in its paws and rocking back and forth on the street corner) Oliver walked into the Art gallery rubbing his hands together in glee. He walked up to one painting of an old man sitting by a fire with his eyes closed and reached up to take it down, when the painting opened its eyes.
“Oh no you don’t sunny Jim” it said and stood up reaching out of view and pulling out a shot gun aiming right at Oliver between the eyes
Oliver stumbled backwards and swore loudly. Although many things are possible on this earth it is highly unlikely that a painting is going to suddenly come to life and threaten you with a shot gun.
“BOB GET YOUR BACKSIDE HERE NOW!” he shouted hysterically, he didn’t take his eyes off the painting and smiled weakly at it.
Bob came wandering down the hall and stood in front of Oliver with his back to the painting.
“What do you want” he said
Oliver didn’t reply he merely nodded to the painting. Bob looked non plussed but he turned around and looked at the painting and shrieked when he saw that the painting was brandishing a shot gun. He jumped into Oliver’s arms with his arms around Oliver’s neck, Oliver then realised what he’d done and threw him to the floor.
“Bob you better explain to me what the hell is going on here” Oliver said “I mean paintings don’t just come to life, it has to be something to do with you!”
Bob looked at the painting and who had by now put his gun down and was leaning on the edge of it’s frame looking just as confused as Bob and Oliver. Bob stood up and looked at the painting more closely.
“Didn’t your mother tell you that staring is rude boy?!” the old man in the painting snapped
“S-s-s-sorry” bob stuttered
He closed his eyes and reached out his hands touching the canvas and moved them around the canvas. After a minute he took his hands away and frowned.
“It err seem’s that I might have accidentally brought this man to life when I opened the door” he said “ I can sense my magic signature all over it”
“Well then” said Oliver “we’re going to have to take him with us, I mean we cant leave behind a witness to identify us when were done robbing the place”
The old man pointed his gun at Oliver
“You aint taking me no where sunny jim!” he cried “try it and ill shoot your crown jewels off, and your mammy wont be having any grandkiddy’s too sit on her knee”
Oliver laughed and made a rude gesture at the painting
“How you gonna go that when your in a painting hmm?” he said “senile old fool”
“Senile am i?” the old man cried “ill give you senile!”
He leaped out of the painting – which proceeded to crumble into dust without it’s inhabitant in it – and placed his gun right between Oliver’s legs pointing upwards a ruthless grin on his face.
“Gotcha” he said
Short story that im working on called the Disreputable Duo set on an alternative earth. Inspired by the works of Douglas Adams, Neil Gaiman and Terry Pratchett