I'm On The Bus

We are on the number 40 bus travelling out of Leeds town centre.

Women 1
Excuse me driver, am I on the wrong bus?

Bus Driver
Don’t know love, what bus do you want to be on?

Women 1
The number 40 that goes down by the market to the bus station.

Bus Driver
That’s right love, this is the 40, but we’ve been diverted up Vicar Lane. It’s all closed up down by the Market.

Women 1
Well someone should say it’s very confusing.

Man 1
Someone jumped off the multi-storey.

Man 2
Couldn’t she find the stairs then could she?

Man 1
Just jumped off, only young too, about 19…. Had dark hair, I saw them put her in the ambulance.

Man 2
That’s what I call optimistic. Do you think United will win tonight?

Women 1
I think they should tell you… when they divert people. It’s only fair.

Women 2
Nobody tells you nothing these days. I was in Tesco yesterday and I couldn’t get my pound out of that trolley thing. I was tugging at it for ages, then this young kid comes up and says ‘Here Missus, you’ve got to bang it like this.’ I said, if I banged it like that I’d give myself a sprained wrist, well, I mean. It’s beyond all sense and reason. But he did get my pound back.

Women 1
You would think Tesco made enough money… a pound for a shopping trolley.

Women 2
Well I suppose it stops them being pinched, you don’t see half as many in the beck as you used to.

Women 1
I wonder if she was worried about something?

Women 2
Who was worried about something?

Women 1
That girl that jumped.

Man 2
Well I bet she’s not worried about it now. I really think they can do it tonight.

Woman 2
Who can do what?

Man 2
United, win tonight.

Woman 2
I would think there were more important things to worry about than Leeds United at a time like this.

Man 1
Yes love, you’re right, bloody football… and a young lass has jumped off the multi-storey. There are more things in life you know.

Man 2
Who asked you? I was talking to this lady.

Woman 1
There’s no need to bring me into your argument.

Man 2
Not you. You!

Woman 2
Who are you calling you. You should be ashamed making jokes about that young woman.

Man 1
Take no notice love. He’s had too much to drink.

Man 2
And you can watch it too pal. Can’t a bloke have a pint on his way home from work now? You’re just an old killjoy.

Man 1
Just you watch it too, OK

Bus Driver
Settle down you two or I’m stopping this bus

Man 2
Stop the bloody bus if you want. You can’t drive it properly anyway, you couldn’t drive dodgem, er, no, sorry, that’s about all you could drive.

Bus Driver
Right, that’s it. I’ve only just come on shift, I’m not bothered about getting home for an hour or two.

Woman 1
You can’t stop here in the middle of Eastgate, you’ll block all the road.

Bus Driver
Just you watch me!

Cut to bus behind. A woman talks on a mobile phone.

Mobile phone woman
I’m on the bus, where do you think I am …. I can’t help it, the town’s dreadlocked …. Gridlocked, dreadlocked, what’s the difference …. Couldn’t care less about hairstyles at the moment, we’re going nowhere …. Get something for yourself, you don’t need me to make your tea do you, hey, and get that washing in too. It’ll be as dry as a board …. Use your loaf, make a sandwich …. Alright then, get some fish and chips; hey, and no specials either. You had your special last night and you won’t be getting another for a long time at the rate this bus is going.

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I wrote this after hearing some conversations between other passengers on a bus journey from Leeds City centre to my home. The piece about the girl jumping off the multi-storey car park is true. I have improvised on much of the rest.

Nobody’s perfect…

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Comments

  • richman
    richmanabout 5 years ago

    what a carry on!!!
    great read

  • Thanks Richie. I think you have to live in Leeds to understand it.

    – Jazzdenski

  • CLiPiCs
    CLiPiCsabout 5 years ago

    funny as hell and oh so true LOL

    Love ‘N’ Laughter Kriss

  • Thanks Kriss. Pleased that you recognise the ‘reality’ of the situation.

    – Jazzdenski

  • tanya81
    tanya81about 5 years ago

    I like this piece a lot Denis. I will come back later and leave more feedback for you. I am going to have to think about this because here is so much going on here. It’s very good…

  • Cheers Tanya. I look forward to your personal assessment.

    – Jazzdenski

  • martinilogic
    martinilogicabout 5 years ago

    Did you record this conversation, do it from memory, or make it up…… anyway, it is a great story.. Denis, I’m liking your writing

  • It’s a mix of reality and imagination. The girl did commit suicide. So sad. Thanks Rick.

    – Jazzdenski

  • mmargot
    mmargotabout 5 years ago

    o my kat.
    I have heard similar whilst on a commuter train which was delayed because someone had decided to commit suicide in front of it.
    Excellent conversational tidbit….

  • I love these ‘episodes’. I hear them a lot, but this the first time I have had a go at writing it down. The Leeds writer Alan Bennett is a master at this kind of thing. Thanks Margot.

    – Jazzdenski

  • anitaL
    anitaLabout 5 years ago
    and the beat goes on…. poor lass…. , a slice of reality and human reaction, very well told.
  • I had another one yesterday. A drunken couple. Him to her “Gimmimeyat” Got it?
    Thanks Ann.

    – Jazzdenski

  • anitaL
    anitaLabout 5 years ago

    The gentleman in question was asking his female companion for his chapeau, Oui ? ha,ha. Do tell the rest.

  • Not enough time. I may write it up. Glad to see you haven’t forgotten your native language. How about this – Gerritetten!

    – Jazzdenski

  • anitaL
    anitaLabout 5 years ago
    I live here but I am a Lancashire lass through and through, thy knows. This is fun,… Do come along and eat your food, now, if you would be so kind. ha,ha. Hope you find time for the rest I really enjoyed this tale.
  • Not the story this our kid. Just testing innit.

    – Jazzdenski

  • anitaL
    anitaLabout 5 years ago

    I knew that.

  • BabyM2
    BabyM2almost 4 years ago

    Thank god i drive. I love the last line.

  • Not interested in saving the planet then BM2. Just think of us plebs on the buses sometime OK. Ta chuck!

    – Jazzdenski

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