This is a deeply personal image, representing my lack of a relationship with my mother. Please click the READ FULL DESCRIPTION button below to continue with the narrative behind this image: Thank you :).
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MORE ABOUT THIS IMAGE:
This image is rich with symbolism, layers of meaning emerging from the details. The woman in the center is my mother, she is trapped in time, frozen in her past. I could never touch my mother, nor reach her emotionally. She was a physically beautiful, classy and elegant woman. So i used a hybrid of model Clarissa, Adrianna and a mannequin; to give her that almost but not quite human aesthetic. My mother couldn’t see me, she was blinded by her own issues, hence the blacked out sunglasses. Please click the READ FULL DESCRIPTION button below to continue with the personal narrative behind this image: Thank you :).
The women to the left and right of this image are me. If you look closely you will see i have broken, mechanical hands. This represents my inability to reach my mother and how that affected my ability to reach within myself and in turn, others. I often feel like an alien masquerading as a human in this earthly existence.
In this image i wanted to be covered in layers, upon layers of clothing with a costume type feel, because when i was around my mother i had to cover my emotions, hide my true self and adopt a persona.
WHY I CREATED THIS IMAGE:
I was prompted to craft this image after spending Thanksgiving with my sister. She let me know that our mother’s mental and physical health continues to decline. My sister was asked to get our mother’s affairs in order. She feels her time here on earth is coming to an end. My sister said our mother was suffering a lot and felt it would be a blessing when she was released from this world and was finally free to be with her father, whom she lost when she was 13 years old to a heart attack . Crossing over would also reunite her with her best friend and brother, of whom, both passed on last year.
THE BACK STORY:
I’ve never had a relationship or connection to my mother, she seemed to detest me right out of the womb. After a lot of self-therapy and seeking, i came to realize why she couldn’t express love or affection to me, why she made me her target child. Physically i look just like her, though she won’t admit it. I also resemble her mother, my grandmother… a domineering woman, strong-willed.
Somehow she made me her mother and was determined to break me, minimize me, punish me. It was her way of getting back at her mother. She could not see me for the tender-hearted, loving, quirky, creative and smart girl that i was. She liked putting me down. She liked to make me feel worthless, ugly and small. The way her mother, made her feel, as a child.
My mother was never happy. I didn’t realize how strange it was that my mother didn’t hug me, or tell me she loved me or laugh, until i went over to my friends houses and was met with warmth and love. I began to realize, my family was the strange one. I never, saw my mother happy, not once did she offer a real smile. She would give an uncomfortable forced smile when the camera came out during the holidays or at family get togethers, but she hated having her picture taken, she was self-conscious and wasn’t comfortable in her own skin.
I know my mother wasn’t able to express love to me due of her own issues, not because of me but rather in spite of me. It took me awhile to realize this, but it was a wonderfully liberating moment in my healing journey.
I was hoping as the years wore on, that my mother would find her way, would heal, become self-aware, work through her traumatic childhood and finally come into her own as a human being and as a woman. Instead she repeated patterns and has lived a lonely life. She wasn’t able to reach beyond herself. I am sad for my mother. Happiness, connection, love… they eluded her. I hope somehow, someway, in this realm or the next, my mother will be freed from her personal demons and finally know the peace of pure love and fulfillment.