My mother, Jeanne, when she was in her early 20’s.
I am in tears as i type this… my sister called me and told me that our mom called her and told her of a dream she had… my mother dreamed she committed suicide by taking an entire bottle of her blood pressure medicine and that she was tempted to do the same thing in real life. My heart sank when i found this out. My mom gets premonitions, i think she was worried this was a premonition. But it sounds like it was a dream reflecting her inner-turmoil, depressed state and desperation to get rid of her painful angst.
My mother as a young girl.
I don’t have a relationship with my mom. She has never liked or accepted me and was cruel to me growing up. She pretty much rejected me right out of the womb. I was definitely the target child. But she is my mom and i love her. She was always sad, always depressed. My childhood was very dark. I never saw my mom laugh or smile. She spent a lot of time in hospitals, she had a lot of medical issues and i remember her having many surgeries. She spent a lot of time stowed away in her bedroom on bed rest. And my sister and i spent a lot of time in hosptial waiting rooms.
There are two times i was reminded of how deeply i loved my mom even though i don’t like my mom. The first was when my mom had a heart attack at age 41 and was taken by helicopter to the hospital for open heart surgery. I was working at a pharmacy and got the call at work. I fell apart and had to have a friend drive me to the hospital. I loved my mom so much, in spite of everything. I was emotionally crushed when i realized her life was hanging in the balance. And that’s when i learned you can love someone even if you don’t like them, even if they abused you growing up. I now, know, my mother couldn’t love me due to her own set of complicated issues, not because i was an unlovable child. As a child i was actually very sweet, hyper, sensitive, loving and compassionate.
The second time i was reminded of how deeply i loved my mom, was the other day, when my sister called me and told me my mother was feeling suicidal. It breaks my heart that my mother never found her way out of her own abusive childhood. She was further devastated by her open heart surgery and when she and my father divorced, shortly thereafter, over 21 years ago. She never dated again. My dad is the only man she has ever loved, ever been with.
She has been hiding from herself and her issues, her entire life. Her best friend, her brother and her mother all died in the span of a year. That would be tough for anybody to get through. And at this point in her life, she has alienated just about everyone in her life. She has a need to be the martyr, perpetually nailing herself to the cross. She can’t help herself, it’s all she knows. She is pretty much alone now and her mental and physical state are detoriorating. She has chosen not to heal, to continue hiding from her pain, or perhaps she has let fear keep her from confronting and moving through her issues, her pain.
My sister, bless her heart, is keeping close tabs on my mother. My mother adores my sister. The best we can hope for, is that she gets on new medication that numbs her enough to not feel suicidal. I doubt she will ever decide to get counseling and deal with the underlying issues.
My mother has many of the traits associated with a malignant narcissist. As a child, that made things impossible for me. There was no pleasing her. I would never win or earn her love, approval or acceptance. I now, know, she treated me the way she did due to her own set of complicated issues. She was cold to me inspite of who i am and not because of it. I was actually a very sweet, sensitive, hyper and inquisitive child, very creative and a little eccentric. She loved to put me down and couldn’t tolerate seeing me happy or having me feel good about myself. She made fun of me a lot. As an adult, my anger has been replaced with compassion for that broken, unhealed child that is still hiding inside my mother.
Her life had so much promise, she was a beautiful women, creative, but so troubled. I still hope she will know happiness and healing in this lifetime. I love her so much.
I made peace with my mother, the best i could, many years ago. I told her i loved her in person, i hugged her, i showed interest in her interests, it was one way and very draining and i knew she didn’t want me around.
I also wrote her letters and i still send her cards on holidays and birthdays. She wants nothing to do with me but she does know i love her. I tried for several years to form a relationship with her and my attempts failed. I realized i had to accept and respect her feelings. She has never wanted a relationship with me. I’ve let go of that.
Forgiveness took me a long time to learn. It took me awhile to truly understand what forgiveness is and that it is a gift we give ourselves to release us from the shackles of our past. The pain lingers but the longer it is there the easier it is to live with and eventually it stops overshadowing our happiness.
Suicide is serious. If you know someone that has expressed feeling this way, please reach out, encourage them to get professional help and don’t let them isolate. Suicide is a permanent solution to a temporary problem.
Suicide has to be brought out from its silenced shadows. We need to talk about it more. It still carries a stigma of shame. Too many people are silently suffering.
There are some great resources out there, these are just a few of them:
www.nami.org/helpline/suicide.htm
http://helpguide.org/mental/suicide_prevention.htm
www.suicide.org
www.suicidepreventionlifeline.org
www.save.org
I just needed to get this out, thank you for listening :).
PEACE, LOVE and LIGHT
j a e d a
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michellerena
That was very courageous of you for sharing this. Depression is so very cruel to everyone involved. I hope your Mum does find a little happiness :)
Jaeda DeWalt:
Thank you, Michelle, so true :).
Leon A. Walker
I hope you find a way to tell your mother you love her soon… It may or may not be a gift that she accepts but one day you will find it was an incredible gift to you. And you deserve that gift Jaeda. To know that you can shed the past and find YOUR peace. Believe it or not I’ve walked a mile in your shoes… x
I hope your mother gets through whatever is troubling her…
Jaeda DeWalt:
I made peace with mom the best i could, many years ago. I told her i loved her in person, i hugged her, i showed interest in her interests, it was one way and very draining and i knew she didn’t want me around.
I also wrote her letters and i still send her cards on holidays and birthdays. She wants nothing to do with me but she does know i love her. I tried for several years to form a relationship with her and my attempts failed. I realized i had to accept and respect her feelings. She has never wanted a relationship with me. I’ve let go of that. But i agree, we have to make peace with our loved ones so we aren’t haunted when they pass on.Someday she may reflect back on her life and see how hard i tried to have a relationship with her, she may not. But she will know i unconditionally loved her and have compassion for her.
Thank you, again, Leon for your loving support :)
Tahnja
I felt this very deeply in my heart and can’t tell you how proud I am of you that you have seen into the heart of your mother and why she is the way she is and you’re right, I believe.
I was orphaned at age 16 and lost a sister and a brother. They were all gone by the time I was 16 years old. My brother committed suicide and I have two brothers still alive. We’ve all suffered from suicidal acts and trauma but have survived to live happy and fulfilling lives.
My father was an alcoholic but when sober, he was the most beautiful man I ever knew in my life and I still love my father dearly despite the beatings and inability to be good enough at anything I did but I knew he loved me and he always showed it when he was sober. My parents lived through some shocking trauma having both survived the war in Germany. I’m the youngest in the family. When my sister died when I was just a little girl it tore my parents into emotional pieces that they never recovered from. Mum got cancer and died in her 40’s and Dad was ill and drank himself to death and died on Fathers Day. My brother then committed suicide the year after around Mother’s Day. Why these days? Only God knows the answer to that I guess but made the trauma of it all much worse.
I had no one to care for me and lived in horseracing stable quarters so that I had a job and somewhere to live during those years after. I suffered every kind of abuse you can imagine both before and after my family passed away. I never saw my two remaining brothers but rarely. My oldest brother I haven’t seen since the day we buried my brother. He’s not the kind of person I want in my life, sadly, and I know this from my other brother who I love dearly and though we rarely see each other, no one but the two of us can imagine what our family survived. It keeps the bond between us very close and I’m still the only one he’ll talk to about what we went through as kids.
I can’t say that I’m suicidal free. As much as I wish I could. I was terrified to think that even with the depth of Christian faith I have, and it is very real and very deep, when my daughter began having serious problems which was literally killing me to see her go through, I had suicidal thoughts because I couldn’t handle seeing my beautiful child suffer. That’s when I knew we both needed help and we got it. This was only a few months ago but my daughter’s problems began over two years ago. I ended up in hospital myself with a heart scare because my body couldn’t take the severe stress and fear I was living with.
Today, my daughter is on the mend after getting counseling and uncovering the reason she derailed so badly. I can’t thank God enough for helping me to help my daughter which then helped me.
But knowing those suicidal thoughts returned, even though I didn’t go through with it, that truly scared me to be deeply honest. I pray that never happens again!
I wanted to share some of my life with you so that you can know you are not alone in any way! And I love that you are reaching out to those who need to know about such things and where they can get help. Suicide is a massive problem especially amongst teenagers which is why I was so terrified for my daughter. Seeing her smile, having her hug me, seeing how releasing her pain inside has helped her find happiness and joy in life, that joy I share with her cannot be measured by anything else!
I loved my parents despite their faults. Parental love is very deep and a child’s love even deeper and it is precious. Your love for your mother despite everything truly shows your beautiful heart Jaeda! Don’t let anyone put out your shining light because it is the most precious gift you have. Hugs
Jaeda DeWalt:
Tahnja,
I am deeply moved by your courage and candor in sharing your story with me. giving you a great big hug Oh the horrors you have survived! My heart bleeds for you. What a testimony to spirit and love you are! It is people like you that give me inspiration and hope. You are a wise woman.
You reaching out to me, today, the way you have, such a gift and blessing, thank you. I am happy you are living a fulfilling life and i understand that doesn’t come without some down times but underneath it all your vibrant spirit moves forward. And i am so happy your daughter is on the mend. You have touched me so deeply with your story. You have really helped to put things in perspective. Love and Light
Christina Rodr...
I am so sorry Jaeda…I…..I unfortunately understand….my mom was somewhat the same with me and my sister as children. As an adult I now know it was because of her depression…when I had my daughters I found myself treating them the way I was treated….I knew it was wrong and got help. That is when I got diagnosed as having a slight bi-polar disorder with a sever anxiety & panic disorder. Which through research I found can be hereditary. I worry for my daughters now…but I am a better person now. My oldest daughter is 6 and my youngest is 3. I also have my artwork which helps me. I really empathize with you and your mother. I hope all works out well in the end Jaeda. You have my sincere best….xoxoxo
Jaeda DeWalt:
Christina, HUG this is why your art and heart move me. They are filled with that pain and it is a pain i can relate to, being strong bi-polar/PTSD myself. It comes with a similar set of challenges.
You broke the cycle, Christina, so your daughters will have that chance. You chose a different path. And yes, it does seem to be hereditary to a certain extent. Your artwork helps me FEEL my feelings and process my pain, that is quite a gift. LOVE and LIGHT :)
DravenStudios
I am sorry to hear about your Mother. This was very, courageous to share this and also, important message to bring help to others. The signs to be aware of, places to obtain help.There were issues in my family as well around this. Like you said it is a perm. solution to a temporary situation. I am glad that you have made peace with her, the best way you can. I understand so, very much. Supportive hugs to you my friend.
Jaeda DeWalt:
Thank you, Draven, i know you empathize ((hug)). I have made peace with it, the best i can. It still makes me sad but i am not a prisoner to it. I’m sad my mother doesn’t know happiness. She’s been in a dark prison of the self for most of her life.
Tahnja
Then I am truly glad I had the heart to share my story with you dear friend and giving you a great big hug right back! God bless you dear friend and I admire and deeply respect your courage and the great love in your heart. May we all find strength in the lives and stories we share together
Jaeda DeWalt:
May we all find strength in the lives and stories we share together this is so beautiful, Tahnja, words to live by. Thank you so much for sharing and for your support :).
Maxoperandi
Not sure whether this is appropriate…but my mother sent this to me when I was in a dark place…My Law think of you MaxO
Jaeda DeWalt:
Bless your heart, Max, thank you :).
Maxoperandi
Sorry try here
Jaeda DeWalt:
Hugs and love my compassionate friend, thank you :).
waynea3
I too can relate to some things you have written here Jaeda. My Mum suffered from a severe mental illness: I understand what you mean about liking and loving. Your words are honest, heartfelt and moving.
I would be proud to have a daughter like you. You have done all you can to reach out to the person your core self wants some recognition and acceptance from. You have love on your side: and from the notes other RB’ers have added here I think there is a lot going around too. I send you big hugs and smiles :) :)
Jaeda DeWalt:
Your words are comforting and sweet, thank you, Wayne :).
Marny Barnes
I have been watching your work …and reading your words for years now. I can only say Jaeda that while you are beautiful on the outside, it is your inner beauty that sometimes take my breath and make it catch in my throat. I too can understand this mother called “martyr”…mine is screaming for me to “take responsibility” and look after her. She is a borderline personality and spent most of my childhood – belittling-screaming-beating me down. Not just my body but my mind and my spirit. Your words give me hope because I struggle every day with how little I feel for her and how this lack of feeling is unhealthy. I do feel guilt for not wanting to spend time with her but this is as far as it goes. The beauty of your words soothes and helps me understand it is possible to get to the place you are. Hugz and love to you….I wish your mother peace in her mind and her heart.
Jaeda DeWalt:
I remember us sharing a similar background and immediately connecting to you and your work. Your experience with your mom was so intense. Despite the abuse you have risen from those abusive ashes to become the beautiful and loving woman you are today. You inspire me to live my best life and to not become too hidden in the shadows of my past
I have struggled with guilt, too. I felt it was my obligation to be actively be her daughter, to try and build a relationship with her. But i don’t like her and she has no remorse for what she did. She is always right, always the victim. She never, ever, said she was sorry and was able to twist words into lies until i became the one at fault. It was a sick and impossible relationship. But i tried to make it work and when i couldn’t, only then could i let go of the guilt. I know you relate deep to my experience and hearing from you always lifts my spirits and makes me feel more connected. Thank you for the beauty of your loving support and friendship, Marny. Hugs and Love XOXO
ambient-1
Wow, thank you so much for sharing your heart and soul, Jaeda. I am too familiar with depression and suicide. I’ve had many experiences with people that I know trying to kill themselves. I also worked in a psych hospital and saw it everyday for four years. You’re right, it is a serious issue. I don’t know you – the only impressions, feelings, images of you that I have, are through your art. Based on that, you seem to have triumphed in the face of severe adversity. Perhaps, as so many of us had, you found a place of solace in your work, and perhaps that saved you from what may have been a very different story otherwise. Either way, I commend you on your strength, your internal beauty and the loving spirit that you seem to have cultivated despite the lack of love from your mother. Again, thank you for your bravery in sharing this with us. xo
Jaeda DeWalt:
Thank you for your tender and touching words. You have a unique perspective on this, given your direct experience. Creating is cathartic and healing and i am grateful to have your insights and support :).
Barbara Brown
You have developed great insight and a measure of forgiveness but it is never easy to deal with the conflicting feelings of such an upbringing. I wish you and your mother peace.
Jaeda DeWalt:
Beautiful words and sweet wishes, thank you so much, Barbara :)
Roger Mann
I’ll write to you about this tomorrow.
Jaeda DeWalt:
Okay, thank you, Roger :).
pasquale58
I would like to tell you many things, but you know my language barrier. But all can be summed up as I love you despite the distance and the virtual. And can you tell me if you need it someday. I tell you from the bottom of my heart ♥
Jaeda DeWalt:
Your heart i understand, dear friend, (((hugs))) I am grateful for the loving light of your friendship. Love and Hugs :) XOXO
Cynthia Lund T...
M’dear Jaeda ~
I am actually speechless after reading this but am marveling at how fierce yet kind a soul you are. It takes a very big person to continue to love and send love to people who have been cruel to you. You amaze me with your strength, courage and determination. You say “yes” to life. You open yourself up and express so eloquently.
May lovingkindness surround you.
May it extend to your blood line.
May the flower that has long since shriveled find a tiny bit of refreshment in even the slightest bit of care.
You are a hero of mine.
Thank you for sharing your miraculous being with us.
love to you…
C.
Jaeda DeWalt:
Thank you, Cynthia. Forgiveness took me a long time to learn. It took me awhile to truly understand what forgiveness is and that it is a gift we give ourselves to release us from the shackles of the past. The pain lingers but the longer it is there the easier it is to live with and eventually it stops overshadowing happiness. I appreciate your loving words and beautiful wishes wrapped in poetic elegance. Your presence here is such a blessing :). LOVE and LIGHT my beautiful friend
Heather King
my god jaeda. my heart just sank into millions of pieces when i read this. it’s the hardest thing anyone can imagine. to not feel the love from the woman who have birth to you, and go your whole life feeling invisible, not important…always trying to earn that love, always getting shot down, abused verbally/mentally/emotionally…i relate beyond relating.
i’m extremely proud of you for realizing it’s NOT you, and it’s her. you did nothing wrong, it’s her issues, her past, her inability to heal and look towards the light. it’s extremely draining always trying, always doing the work when it’s never returned.
this is how it’s been with my family my whole life. i ran away at 15. i’m 37 now. matters not how much you call, how many letters or cards you send…
it’s easy to be rejected by a mate, or a friend or a lover…but to have your own creators shun you, it’s the hardest thing to live with each and every day.
xoxoxx
Jaeda DeWalt:
Heather, i am moved by your deeply compassionate, empathetic and loving response. HUG What a sweet and tender being you are. Thank you for the encouragement.
I am sorry you know, first-hand, the struggle of being estranged from family, to grow up invisible. Despite your difficult childhood you have blossomed into a beautifully vibrant woman, creative, loving. You did not let your childhood become a prison of pain. You have to be strong to work through that.
Thank you for reminding me that i am not alone in my struggles. I may not be close to my blood family but i have some amazing family, here, in this realm.
Thank you for reaching out, Heather :)
PEACE, LOVE and LIGHT
j a e d a
NudistPoet
“Suicide is a permanent solution to a temporary problem.” That is so well put, Jaeda.