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Not fatherless, but fatherless . . .


Older image of my father receiving his masters in Software Engineering.

Not fatherless, but fatherless
In the emotional wake of Fathers Day, i thought the best thing i can do for myself and for those i share this with, is to be honest, in the hopes that by getting this out, i will not only ease my own heart and mind, but perhaps someone else will connect to my experience and, in turn, not feel so alone, in theirs.

When i was younger, i took my absentee father’s approach to parenting (although always present to dole out the heavy discipline) personally. Despite having little in common with my father, i admired his emotional self-sufficiency, his intellect and while a bit nerdy looking, my dad had a smile that lit up his whole face. He was also eccentric, which i found curious and fascinatin…

Fragments of my father . . .


My father…

Fragments of my father
My relationship with my father was, and is, so limited. But it’s not all good or all bad. Something positive my father gave me, are a lot of funny stories. He was shameless and in many ways such a strange man that public embarrassment was something that happened to our family, on a pretty regular basis. LOL And i will share a few stories, here, in that regard. But this really is, just the tip of the iceberg.

My Dad invited our piano teacher and his new bride, over for dinner. My sister and i were miffed about his new bride, as we both had a hopeless crush on our piano teacher, he was so handsome and dreamy. My mother worked hard to prepare a perfect meal for the newlyweds (even though she hated having company over at HER house). Little did we …

♥ ♥ ♥ Love and Connection ♥ ♥ ♥

We tend to see others through the distorted filter of our needs. We project ourselves onto people and respond, accordingly. So in reality, we are having a relationship with ourselves, through someone else and sometimes that’s okay for the lessons it brings and sometimes it’s harmful to behave this way.

If we want healthier relationships with others, we need start with an understanding of ourselves. Then we can reach beyond ourselves and form a genuine connection to others.

Self-awareness is key in creating mutually loving and nurturing relationships.

It’s dangerous to hang our self-esteem on the opinions of others. This can have our self-worth fluctuating all over the place, so that we can never really stand in who we are and that is a needlessly desperate place to be. While the sup…

Suicide is a serious issue...



My mother, Jeanne, when she was in her early 20’s.

I am in tears as i type this… my sister called me and told me that our mom called her and told her of a dream she had… my mother dreamed she committed suicide by taking an entire bottle of her blood pressure medicine and that she was tempted to do the same thing in real life. My heart sank when i found this out. My mom gets premonitions, i think she was worried this was a premonition. But it sounds like it was a dream reflecting her inner-turmoil, depressed state and desperation to get rid of her painful angst.

My mother as a young girl.

I don’t have a relationship with my mom. She has never liked or accepted me and was cruel to me growing up. She pretty much rejected me right out of the womb. I was defi…

Screaming to be released from the womb of creation...


This blog is a mangled mash-up of coming attractions (art, video, books, creative projects, etc.). So grab yourself a big mug of coffee, settle into your comfiest chair and read on…


Manic Mental Momentum – Self Portrait

THE PROCESS:
I can only speak to my own experience, but… I feel like the gift is creativity, the price of admission, is a little bit of crazy and i am okay with that. ;) Accepting the up and down cycles, rather than working against them trying to be, “normal” is key.

The complicated mental machinery of my mind have become the nuts and bolts of my creative process, my art… BUT.. unlike my computer, my mind does not come with an optional shut-down mode, reboot, or stand-by. This means i am always too much and never enough in all …

30 Random - an odd assortment of personal revelations

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01. I’m kind of like the bionic woman . . . all of my senses are heightened and turbo-charged. It’s hard for me to be in public environments because the noises, scents and energy are so loud to me – I can become quickly overwhelmed. I startle very easily. I also have night-blindness which makes my eyes extremely sensitive to light. I’ve tried to describe what it’s like to others and I guess it’s kind of like wearing a hearing aid when you don’t need one or experiencing life through a really bad-ass amplifier! LOL I’m always in, “high alert” mode. One day, I finally sought a diagnosis and learned that the name for this phenomena is PTSD. I like quiet, the sound of silence, is beautiful to me.

02. I battle physical and men…

Coming to life, my first video...B/W Emotions

[Video]


I warmly welcome you to walk through my soul via this black and white video of my self-portraits, music, artography, video clips and the spoken word. It includes new pictures, previously unpublished pictures and candid shots.

About this Video:
Creating my first little art video has been a hard labor of love. It reconnected me with my passion for composing music and it feels good to express myself in this new, multi-media format. It is so personal. From the deepest depths of my heart and soul to yours…. Black and White Emotions

Desperation leads to inspiration…
I wanted to create a video, all i had was Windows Movie Maker. I was determined to make that program work for me! LOL For the music i had a digital voice recorder, a 5 Octave electronic keyboard and …

Extracting the magic from the tragedy . . .

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Face the Pain – Self Portrait – © Jaeda DeWalt

I’ve been reaching into the recesses of my childhood, as of late, trying to extract the magic from the tragedy. When I was younger, I wouldn’t let myself think too much about my childhood. It was militant and hyper-religious, at best. And kind of bizarre . . . I remember my dad being a super-intellect, eccentric genius; into his aviation, flight simulators, artificial intelligence, computers and science fiction (and i love him dearly). Emotionally he was almost robotic, treating us more like work colleagues than his children, but that was just my Dad, being himself. Now i can laugh about it, in fact . . . he reminded me a lot of Data on Star Trek.

While my mother, of…

My new book is here! JAEDA shades of the soul - PREVIEW

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My new book, J A E D A shades of the soul is finally complete! HURRAY!

It is available in 3 different formats:
1. soft cover,
2. hard cover w/image wrap
3. and hard cover w/dust jacket.

The book is standard portrait size, 40 pages and is printed on premium paper with 8×10 full bleed images. ISBN: 978-1427639462

Detailed book information can be viewed here

You can virtually preview the first 15 pages of the book here.

Here is a sneak peak inside the actual book:


Thank you to everyone who encouraged and supported me with this book project.

I hope this book inspires and delights, makes you feel, connect and is able to transport you to soulful spaces. This was a labor of love and i worked very hard to make this book be …

How the Bride of Innocence was conceived . . .

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Why Red?
I love accenting images with Red because red is the color of pain, the color of love, of stolen innocence, it is the color that flows during birth when a woman brings life into this world, it is often the color that flows out of us as we leave this earth. Today i am sharing part one of, “The Bride of Innocence”. The backgrounds you see are from the balcony pics i took during the daytime.

WHAT THE LOSS OF INNOCENCE ISN’T

My fellow creative Marny Barnes offered me some words that were powerful and rang true:

I refuse to believe that you don’t hold a piece of that innocence still…somewhere in all that torture you were strong enough to keep some of that innocence safe and just for you.

AND I will tell y…