The Replacement

It was the day to go visit Mama, and before it had always just been Papa and me to go see her, but today, she was there with us in the car. Janine, the intruder. She thinks she can replace Mama, but she won’t. No one will ever replace Mama.
‘Papa, I don’t want Janine coming with us when we see Mama.’
‘Don’t worry, sweetheart, Janine is going to stay in the car.’
Good. At least she hasn’t taken that away from me, yet.

She will, though, eventually, if I let her, which I won’t. I never will. Papa thinks I will. I overheard them talking on Friday. They didn’t know I could hear them. They don’t know how much I can hear from my room, but I can hear everything. That day Janine had made dinner. She made lamb chops because Papa told her it was my favourite, but lamb chops was my old favourite, it had stopped being my favourite earlier that day. My new favourite is spaghetti bolognaise. I hate lamb chops, now. I could’ve pretended to like it to be polite, but that would have been lying, and not lying is more important than being nice. So I told Janine that it was disgusting and that I wouldn’t eat it, ever. Papa got angry and told me to eat it anyway. I got really mad because Papa never got angry at me before Janine came, it was all Janine’s fault, making me and Papa not be close. I was so mad I picked up the plate with the lamb chops and threw it across the kitchen and then Papa yelled at me and made me go to my room. That’s when they went into their room and I heard them talking. Janine was crying. I made her cry. I didn’t feel bad about it, though, because she deserved it, and the worst thing was that I was upset, too, but it was Janine that Papa went to try and make feel better. It was me that Papa was supposed to make feel better, not Janine. I heard Papa say,
‘She doesn’t have anything against, you, personally, it’s just that she misses her mother. Just give it some time, she’ll come around and accept you, eventually.’

So that’s how I know that Papa thinks that I’m going to let her replace Mama, but I won’t. Not ever, and I’m glad she’s staying in the car while we visit Mama.

Mama’s tombstone is cold and Papa’s hand on my shoulder is warm.
‘We need to talk about Janine.’
I don’t want to talk about Janine! Even when Janine is waiting in the car, she is ruining our alone time!
‘Sweety, Janine and I are getting married, and you’re going to have to accept that. I know that you think she’s trying to replace your mother, but it’s not true, she’s not trying to replace her at all. The thing is, your mother would want me to be happy, and Janine makes me happy.’
‘Don’t I make you happy?’
‘Oh, Sweety, of course you make me very happy, but… Janine also makes me happy, and, I think, if you let her, she can make you happy, too, and that would make me even happier. You’re the most important person in my life and nothing will ever change that, but sometimes an adult needs an adult companion. You’ll understand better when you’re older.’

I know Papa is lying. He says that I’m the most important person in his life, but it was Janine he went to go make feel better two days ago. And he also said that Janine wasn’t replacing Mama, but Papa is marrying her, and then there was last night, I heard it from my room and I even went to go peek to make sure. I know about the thing that grown-ups do with each other, and I know that it was what Papa and Janine were doing. It was what Papa and Mama used to do when Mama was alive. Now Mama is in the ground and Papa is replacing her with Janine. So Papa is lying, maybe he doesn’t think he’s lying but I know the truth.
‘Papa, can you go away and let me talk to Mama alone for a little bit?’
‘If it will help. I will wait by the car with Janine. Call out if you need anything, and don’t wander off.’

The name on Mama’s grave seemed darker than it usually was, and I thought maybe Mama was angry with me, but Mama was in the ground, and she couldn’t do anything from there. I remembered that time two years ago when Mama was still alive, it was the first time I saw Mama and Papa together. They didn’t know I saw them, like Janine and Papa didn’t know I saw them last night, but I understood then just as well as I understood last night. I understand a lot of things, more than most people my age, and I knew then what I had to do, just like I know now what I have to do.

I know where the plant I need is from here, it’s not that far, and I can run really fast, faster than anyone else in my class. Papa isn’t watching me, he’s talking to Janine in the car. When I come back Papa and Janine look upset and they are calling my name, but then he sees me.
‘I told you not to wander off!’
‘I’m sorry, Papa, but I was upset, I just wanted to be somewhere else! I came back!’
‘I was so worried, I didn’t know what happened to you! Don’t do that again, you understand?’
‘I’m sorry, Papa!’
‘No, it’s my fault, too, I shouldn’t have taken my eyes off of you. Come on, let’s go home.’

As I sit in the car I rub the leaves in my pocket with my fingers. That boy from my school when I was in prep had died from that plant. It was an accident. Everyone probably thought I forgot about that, but I remember everything. That’s how I already knew about the plant when I saw Papa with Mama two years ago, that’s how I knew what to do, and that’s how I know what to do, now. That thing they did, it made me angry. I’m the only one Papa is supposed to love! Not Mama, not Janine, only me. I was so smart in knowing how to get rid of Mama, and afterwards it was so good with just me and Papa, I was the only person in Papa’s life and I was the only one he ever made time for. We even had our special time when we visited Mama together. Mama was never a problem after she went in the ground, and that’s why I can’t ever let anyone replace Mama, not Janine, not anyone. I can make Janine the tea tomorrow, she’ll be happy for me to finally be nice to her. She might even think I will be starting to accept her. I’ll let her think that, it’ll only be for a little while, and then it’ll just be me and Papa again.

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Tags:

death, electra, family, father, grave, mother, relationships, replace, step daughter, step mother and widower