Now, I don’t know much about history
But this little tale was told to me.
It’s about a baby born
And how a vagina got torn
That fatal night
Under Venus close and bright.
Those who knew Jo
Could see he didn’t have much to show.
For the bulge on his crotch
Wasn’t more than a notch.
Some said it was as though
He was a castrato.
But he did have something there
People saw, when he was stripped bare.
The best thing about this
Was that he could do more than kiss
His lovely girlfriend Mary
And did not have to be wary
About anything he did with his cock
Outside of wedlock,
For he didn’t break her hymen
And so she was then,
As pure as a nun
Even though they’d had quite a bit of fun.
What Joseph forgot
When they got sweaty and hot
Was that Mary was as fertile
As the delta of the Nile.
So when she became pregnant
They decided to tell everyone it was Heaven sent.
They even got a wise crone
To confirm what was to be known.
That Mary had conceived,
And by some miracle, this was achieved.
Some people feared the magic
Of this virgin pregnancy trick
So Mary and Joseph left town
And found an old barn falling down.
Where Mary gave birth
Amongst the hay and the earth
Screaming out louder than the cows,
Sheep, chickens and sows.
So loud were Mary’s screams
She awoke people from their dreams.
They wandered from afar
Wondering what under the star
Of Venus was going on.
And when they heard tell of a son
And the miracle pregnancy
They had to come and see.
As a gesture of good faith, each gave a gift
Hoping to uplift
The spirits of the mother
Who had become pregnant without a lover.
‘Well isn’t he a king,’ a traveller said.
‘To break the hymen of his mother unwed.’
And all smiled heartily
With Jo as they sipped on some tea.
I’m not sure how the angel came into it
But apparently there was one there for a bit
Of a toast of ale and a laugh.
And when Mary said, ‘I felt split in half!
That really, really hurt. Ow.’
‘I don’t think this is the sort of thing God should allow,’
The angel replied, ‘Let alone be the cause.’
‘Well,’ said Mary, ‘Just proves he’s male,
Not even thinking of women’s chores!’
And so ends this tale
As they all got tipsy on good ale
Of how there came to be
A virgin birth, because of a very small willy.
Poetic adaption of the Christmas story