Rude Red Infestation Hits Ballard

Seamora Wincox – FP

Several specimens of the Sgt. Rude Red plant have been found in Ballard. One near 20th NW and NW 63rd and the other on NW Market in front of a popular coffee house. The Bureau of Invasive Species from the Seattle Department of Plants, Animals and Insects activated an Emergency Response Team early this morning.

The grave concern is how quickly this blooming shrub can spread crowding out native plants. Of further concern to Public Mental Health officials is the psychoactive properties of the plant. “Though its intoxicating effects do not cause loss of coordination and motor function” stated Tug Danesk, Chief Clinical Psychologist with Ballard InSanitarium “it will cause a severe form ennui. The mental and emotional state of the victim at the moment they come in contact with the bloom’s nectar will determine the severity of the reaction. People are at first attracted by its fragrance. Then when they spy the lovely heart shape bloom they’ll almost always reach out to snap off a twig. That’s when the trouble starts. It’s why this species worries us so much.”

“You see, for instance, if the victim is feeling just a wee bit sad about, say, an argument with a loved one” continued Danesk “skin contact with the nectar will cause them fall into a state of morose weeping. Or, say, the victim received a most charming farewell kiss when they left the house they might burst into spontaneous song and dance. Often flinging off all of their clothes in the process. We’ve seen cases where several hundred people have been overcome in a matter of minutes creating a chaotic and riotous situation.”

The shrub apparently is a hybrid first grown by an amateur horticulturist who was an admirer of a famed roller derby mascot. It’s reported that the blooms, when fully open, resembled her trademark pigtails. There is no known cure but the effects usually last only two to three hours. The only treatment is to thoroughly scrub the victim down in a solution of scalding water and kim chee extract followed by complete slathering of durian paste. Unfortunately, this only reduces the amount of nectar that enters the bloodstream. It does not alleviate any of the symptoms.

If you see this plant DO NOT TOUCH it. Call the Bureau of Invasive Species immediately. And for God’s sake if you see a crowd of disturbed people DO NOT INVESTIGATE. Turn and run the other way.

Rude Red Infestation Hits Ballard

Honario

Seattle, United States

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