Tied up and Twisted
I feel like I have completely lost my faith. There I said it.
My husband of 15 years has left me, left me and the children. He’s been depressed for some time now, I just don’t think I realized for how long. He’s moved out. There are no more I love you s, no more hugs and morning coffee, no more snuggling in bed after a long day. He says he just doesn’t feel that way about me any more. He says he can’t seem to feel much of anything. He says there is no other woman. He says he feels like he’s going crazy. He wants to be left alone. Me head…it spins.
I have not been on my own in a long time. Its hard I tell you. Sleeping alone, cooking for three, being so lonely it actually hurts, physical pain I say. Not knowing if he will come back, or if I want him too.
Figuring out the kids, money, bills and bumping my part-time job to a full-time job. Being here for the kids, having to let them see me so sad. Taking everyone to therapy, weekly. Taking the drugs the doctors gave me so I could stop crying and get back to work. Going to the boys school and talking to the counsels about what is going on so the teachers will know if my kids freak out for no reason. All of this exposure to my inner private hell, its killing me. All the pity, and that’s so terrible, and sympathy from strangers is weird, I don’t know how to do human kindness from strangers anymore. Doing this alone, isolated like I have never been isolated before. Never in my life have I allowed the golden rule to be broken. Do not become isolated. Well shit. I have no friends here, no family, no support system. I allowed myself to become land locked, without any connections being created once I got here. I let my husband and my kids and making art become my whole world. How do you quick time get a life, during the crisis, while it’s happening. I’m thinking kick boxing might work.
I am not sure what to do, but to work a lot at my job, try to sell some art, generate a full-time wage situation, try not to fall apart. Do things outside the comfort zone when I can. Try not to fall apart. Being alone isn’t all that bad. Try not to fall apart.
Don’t think about the future. Anything can happen.
Stay in this moment right here.
Stay right here. Stay right here.
stay right here.
Heather
Support living artists, we have life crisis too
Comments
I read of a women who refuses to go under even though it may feel like there are huge waves around…
Simple moments can offer little respites from some harder scenes in our lives…
Take this simple moment as this is read and know someone who may never knock on your door and borrow a cup of sugar has felt and sends words from a far….. " I notice you, I see the layers , I send my wish boat to touch your dreams and bring some refreshment. "
xx
I am sorry that you are going through a very difficult situation. Sounds like your husband needs some therapy or something like that. I hope you both get the help you need!!!!! Keep writing and or make art if it helps get stuff out or focus on you kids!! Keep busy but not to the point of exhaustion.
XOXOXO
Ann M.
I sit in shock at how things turn out and how they go from bad to worse in a split second.
After my “divorce” from my partner of 7 years the first thing I found difficult was sleeping alone. That threw me for a loop. Although I divorced her it was mind boggling to see how different life was. It was strange to go to the store without her, strange to run into friends without her. It’s been 2 years now and I’m still getting used to this. What I read in this entry sounds like panic which is exactly what I did and what many, many do. What I also saw was your willingness to reach out, that is something people forget to do in times of hardship. Reaching out is the best way to keep going. We as humans do not need to endure pain alone. Reach out and keep reaching.
love
Faith