Thoughts in a supermarket

God I hate shopping!
Way too much walking involved
If only I had one of those Segways
Then I wouldn’t have to take a single step
Ooh and then I could form a bad ass Segway gang

“Get a trolley”

We’d call ourselves “Fifty shades of segway”
It’s funny cause it rhymes
And then we’d have fights with rival segway gangs
It’d be like west side story
Only with segways!

“Paul! Get a trolley!”


“Stop Daydreaming and get a trolley! How many more times do I have to ask?”

“Ok! Jeez stop shouting at me! God!”

The only thing worse than shopping,
Is shopping with your mum!
Or perhaps Robin Williams…
Yikes! He’d be a nightmare!
Cracking jokes about every tiny little thing
I’d be like go get some salsa dip Robin Williams
And he’d be like
“Oh salsa dip, oh take a dip in some salsa,
you got any armbands, I don’t swim so good,
I better stay in the shallow end, salsa dip!”
…Yeah, no just erm… just go get the salsa dip Robin.

Why do all shopping trolleys have an inability to go in a straight line?
They always want to crash into things
What are they suicidal?
Maybe that’s why you always see discarded trolleys in canals?
I guess all the shopping got too much for them
Who can blame them?

“Do you want to have a go on the little kiddies ride?”

“Haha, Very funny mum, I think I’m a little too old for that now”


Why is there always a dog tied up at the front door of supermarkets?
Whose dog is that?
I mean why don’t they just put a uniform on him and give him some brochures
He could be a store greeter
Just sayin’ ya know while he’s there he might as well make himself useful

Thank you automatic doors.
Ah the future
I can’t help but pretend I’m Captain Kirk
Making my way onto the bridge of the Starship Enterprise
Whenever I walk through automatic doors.

Jeez what’s with all the people
Furiously ransacking the shelves and dumping random products into their trollies?
I didn’t realise I was on the set of Supermarket sweep!
Next we’ll be seeing a bunch of people
going apeshit with a pricing gun on some cans of-
Oh there they are.

There’s not a single guy in here that doesn’t look miserable
Just being endlessly dragged around from aisle to aisle
by their wife or mother!
and then there are those men who came in by themselves
and don’t know how to find the exit
They’re like “Help me! I’ve been stuck here for six years! I only came in for milk!”

Ah the frozen section
You know you’re in the frozen section
When you see a polar bear eying the fresh salmon
Jeez I’d have put a jumper on
if I’d known we’d be taking an expedition to the fricken North pole!
There are literally icicles forming on my eyelashes!
No wonder the polar ice caps are disappearing,
They’re here!
I should call Al Gore and be like
“Turns out global warming isn’t the problem, its supermarkets!”
I feel like Shakleton
Except he didn’t have to keep stopping every 3 steps so his mother
Could check out the offers on Chicken dippers and turkey twizzlers
I can imagine the journal entries
“Day 34 of the expedition, the frigid cold temperatures are unbearable!
But the boredom from food shopping is even more unbearable!”
What’s with these rules written on the trolley handle,
Of all the things you shouldn’t do with the trolley?
“Do not stand inside the trolley”
“Do not hang off the side of the trolley”
“Do not use the trolley as a battering ram”
“Do not pretend to be the Jamaican bobsled team
and push the trolley through the supermarket screaming out Cool runnings!!!”
“Do not have any fun of any kind with the trolley”
“This is a fun free zone!”
“No one is to have any fun at anytime!”
“Anyone caught having fun will be escorted off the premises”
Well, I’m not gonna listen!
I’m gonna be a rebel and hang off the side of this trolley and-

“Get down from there!”

“Sorry, sorry”

… Yeah… take that society!
Jeez this is so boring!
Its just food, drink and-
Ooh DVD’s

“Mum, I’m gonna go look at the DVD’s”

“Ok, I’ll just be over at the-“

“Yeah whatever”

Aw the DVD aisle,
It’s like an entertaining oasis within a desert of boredom
Hey wait a minute… these aren’t Blockbuster DVD’s
These are B movie DVD’s!
Damn you cheap DVD’s of B movies you tricked me!
You’re like the sirens, posing as blockbuster DVD’s
Enticing me from afar with false promises,
But when I approach you
I find that I have been deceived!
And instead of finding Tom Hanks and Meryl Streep I find…
Brad Putt and Morgan Frooman in…
Shallow impact!
“An asteroid 300 milimetres across is on a collision course with earth!
Will Morgan Frooman be able to stop it in time, before it destroys someone’s gazebo?”
Oh and this looks interesting
Kite club?
“The first rule of kite club is,
You do not talk about kite club!”
Starring Brad Putt
Ooh and what’s this one?
Star wars Episode 1: The Phantom menace
You stay away from me you poor excuse for a star wars movie!
You belong with the B movies!
And what do we have here?
“Ninja robot cop 2000” staring Brad Putt
Wow that guy is everywhere
He’s like the Nicolas Cage of the B movie world
“A time travelling ninja robot cop travels to the future of the year 2000
and fights crime in New York city”
… that… sounds… awesome!
I’m so buying this!
I’ll have to ask mum first though
Wait… where is mum?
Oh no… I’ve lost my mum!
I’ve lost my mum!
What do I do? What do I do?
I’m all alone in a big supermarket!
Stranger danger! Stranger danger!
Just relax
You’re 23 for goodness sake!
Just calmly walk from one end of the store to the other
Looking down each aisle as you go past
She’s gotta be in one of them
Ok I can do this, I can do this
… Ok, she’s not in the pet food aisle
… Not in the breakfast cereal aisle
… She’s not in the fruit and veg aisle, just weirdoes fondling the fruit
… She’s not in the-


Ha! Somebody actually did it!
God speed young sir

… Ok, She’s not in the detergent aisle
… Not in the drinks aisle
At what point do I resort to crying hysterically?

“Paul? What are you doing here?”

Oh great, my friends are here

“Oh hey, I’m ya know… shopping… all by myself”

“Paul, which of these underpants do you want? Race cars or dinosaurs?”

“Isn’t that your mum?”

“Paul! Race cars or dinosaurs?”

“I’ve never seen that woman before in my life”

“Paul! Paul!”

“She seems to know you”

“No that’s just some… crazy woman”



“Finally! I get an answer”

“Well it’s been… good seeing you again Paul… enjoy the underpants”

“Yep… will do”

The only thing worse than shopping,
Is shopping with your mum!

Thoughts in a supermarket

Paul Hickson

Norwich, United Kingdom

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