From: Paul Hickson <firstname.lastname@example.org>
Sent: Sunday, 20 May, 2012 22:19:13
Subject: Sorry :( …BTW did you see Sesame street the other day? fo shiz the best episode ever, it was about the letter L… awesome!
Dear Guitar (Steven)
How are you? Happy Hanukah, sorry it’s a bit late, better late than never right? I hope this is the right Email address, I figured I’d contact you via email, ya know, seeing as that’s what people do nowadays, except those Amish people, they don’t care much for technology.
Erm so anyway the reason I’m writing today is really to apologise for not giving you any attention for the past 6 years. I do have an excuse erm, I’ve been wicked busy ya know, doing… stuff… like erm, writing a musical about the life of Bruce Willis, entitled Bruce Willis the musical oh and on top of that I’ve set up my own business enterprise, it’s a lemonade stand outside our house. It’s going reasonably well but this double dip recession has really hit the lemonade industry hard! I guess people can’t afford to be thirsty anymore. Erm Anywho, the other day as I was recreating my favourite scenes from Saved by the bell with my Star wars action figures, I noticed you in the corner of my bedroom all lonely and collecting dust and it really made me feel bad… I’d have come over and said hey but it might have been a bit, ya know… awkward, like when you bump into an ex in the street and you’re all like “hey, oh my gosh it’s you, the person I loved for 3 years but then ripped out my heart and stamped on it… how are things?”
I guess the reason why I’ve neglected you for so long is because, now don’t hate me when I say this… is because I only bought you just so I could impress a super hot girl back in High school who was like really into musicians. Yeah it’s true, but then she eloped with that chubby nerdy band geek so it was all a complete waste of time. Damn him! He may have had low self-esteem but he played the triangle like a friggin pro! Now he’s on tour with Nickleback.
Well that’s pretty much all I wanted to say, you probably hate me round about now but I just thought I’d tell you how sorry I am for ignoring you for all these years, no guitar should be silent, but it could be worse right? You could be one of Roger Daltry’s guitars, ya know the guy from the Who, I mean they smash up their instruments after every show… Can you imagine? Their back up instruments must be shitting themselves! Oh and Jimmy Hendrix, he used to set his guitars on fire! On fire man! I don’t think he owned a single guitar that didn’t have 3rd degree burns!
So it’s not all bad, I mean Who knows, maybe another super hot girl who’s into musicians will come along… actually I heard that girls are really into sophisticated men now, so I thought I might start smoking one of those vintage pipes to make me seem more intelligent… I wouldn’t actually smoke it though, not after that coughing fit I performed in front of all the cool kids when I falsely told them I’d smoked before… yep, that’s how I got the nickname David Du”chough”ny…