The Procrastination Schedule

7:00 am – Wake up to the sound of the alarm clock, which was primed the night before specifically to get up early and begin working on that English assignment that was set over a month ago and is due in tomorrow! Consider getting out of bed but then decide not to, then hit the snooze button and sleep for another couple of minutes.

1:00 pm – Awaken 6 hours later to the sound of your empty stomach groaning for food. Stumble out of bed avoiding the previously used dinner plates scattered all over the bedroom floor of which have now become part of an assault course. As you make your way towards the door dazed and half asleep, pick up random dirty clothes off of the floor and put them on, no matter how much they smell.

1:05 pm – Urinate… in the toilet… or if the mood strikes on mum’s ficus tree again.

1:10 pm – Prepare Lunch. To make things more fun, search for food in the house as if you’re a hunter on the trail of a woolly mammoth. Once the fun wears off go directly to the fridge and take out everything you see. Make the world’s most awesome sandwich consisting of sardines, mayonnaise, jelly, cheese, bacon, Mars bars, BBQ sauce.

1:43 pm – Throw up.

1:52 pm – Reluctantly sit down at the computer to begin writing the essay. Stare blankly at the question for 10 minutes without a clue of what to write get bored and then decide instead to look for pictures of cats that look like celebrities on the internet.

2:29 pm – After briefly attempting to write the essay reward your intent by playing some Halo for a few minutes before you start work again.

6:30 pm – After an intense session of kicking some alien ass on Halo, resume working on the essay. Do research on the play Othello and then convince yourself that watching the movie Home Alone 2: Lost in New York, could technically be classed as research.

8:00 pm – After compiling all the research, mostly from sources that are in no way related to Othello, begin writing the essay.

9:00 pm – As time is running out it’s imperative that you start writing the essay. After two minutes get bored again and try to make the computer screen explode using your mind.

9:08 pm – Create your own language by placing a b in the middle of every word.

9:12 pm – Laugh at your fingers, because you think they look like little people.

9:15 pm – Air guitar to your Dad’s 50 greatest rock ballads CD

9:27 pm – See how many words rhyme with ‘Renee Zellwegger’

9:42 pm – Sing Cher’s “Do you believe in life after love” into a fan while it’s spinning

9:45 pm – See how long you can hold your breath before passing out

9:50 pm – Draw a six pack on your stomach with felt-tip pen and pose in the mirror like you’re Matthew McConaughey

11:35 pm – Finish essay. Despite all the procrastination and… weirdness, finally finish the essay. Read through what you’ve written to check for spelling mistakes.
‘William Shakespeare’s Othello is about a boy who goes on holiday with his parents but gets on the wrong plane and ends up in New York. Then he booby traps a house to catch two escaped criminals who are after him… haha… booby…’

11:45 pm – Satisfied with your efforts, print, sit back and relax for a well deserved rest, secure in the knowledge you tried your best.

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The Procrastination Schedule by 


  • evon ski
    evon skiover 2 years ago

    oh this is hysterical. of course because it is alll make believe . . . ha haaa. oh mann this was a priceless read and you really capture the attentin span of a gnat so perfectly here, I enjoyed this immensely Paul!!! x

  • hey thanks Yvonca :) this was actually inspired by a recent assignment I had to write and I got hit by a major case of the Procrastinees… like big time, my teacher was less than impressed with my efforts, she was like “this isnt good enough you didnt do anything!” so I responded “well that’s not quite true, I did manage to complete Halo 3 on legendary difficulty, do you have any idea how amazing that is… you should just give me an A for that” lol thanks so much for reading! always appreciated Yvonca!!! xoxox

    – Paul Hickson

  • Vicki Spindler (VHS Photography)
    Vicki Spindler...over 2 years ago

    Great I love it! There are a few things I can relate to, apart from the obvious! (As I am a girl) haha
    Brilliant work as always Paul!!!!!!!!!! :)))))))))))))))))) x x x

  • haha sorry, I usually write from a boy’s perspective, I think in the future though I’ll try it from a girl’s perspective, could be interesting lol I don’t know much about girls to be honest lol thanks for reading Vicki, I really appreciate your kind words :) xoxox

    – Paul Hickson

  • Pamela Phelps
    Pamela Phelpsover 2 years ago

    OMG…I so need to go find that Fucus tree…whoops I think it was FICUS???? But I am dyslexic so I understand perfectly well what I meant!
    Hope I can find the roll of paper in the yard! Thanks for the hysteria I am now in! LOL!

  • hahaha aww you’re welcome Pamela, thank you for reading! much appreciated!! :)

    – Paul Hickson

  • Sheryl Gerhard
    Sheryl Gerhardover 2 years ago

    You write the funniest stuff I have ever read. I feel a little silly sitting home alone with the cat and laughing out loud. :)) But your work is that good. You are a comic genius. Thanks again for the laugh!! xx

  • oh wow what a compliment! thank you so much Sheryl, that’s made my day! :) xoxox

    – Paul Hickson

  • autumnwind
    autumnwindover 2 years ago

    OMG I finally lost at at Renee Zellwegger! booby was pretty funny too, but lunch was both hilarious and gross!!!
    You are like a movie here that makes you laugh till you cry! Adore your comic relief! Thank you, thank you. XOXOXOXOXXOXOOXXO

  • haha yeah sorry about the whole lunch part, grossed me out as well lol aww thank you, ooh what movie is it like? please say Sound of music… aww… Sound of music, thanks muchly for reading!!! :) xoxox

    – Paul Hickson

  • Donna19
    Donna19over 2 years ago

    tooooooo funny

  • Hey thanks Donna!! :)

    – Paul Hickson

  • AezaRaeLai
    AezaRaeLaiover 2 years ago

    Haha, What an awesome schedule to follow…lucky :) Great write!

  • haha it’s more of a curse than anything I really wish I had a better attention span… I may have passed that essay if I did lol thanks so much for reading!! :)

    – Paul Hickson

  • Photography  by Mathilde
    Photography b...over 2 years ago

    Oh dear! this so, so funny write has brought to mind yesterday, or was it the dark ages before that – must have been the dark ages as we didn’t have computers – so no computers = no computer games – I bet you looked in the fridge – didn’t see anything you fancied, closed the door then went back two minutes later to see if the contents had magically changed into something delicious and edible – well done Paul – thank you for the great start to a wet, miserable day !!

  • haha I did actually, I dont know what exactly is going on but every now and then our fridge magically replenishes it’s contents, I’ve come to the conclusion that our fridge is in fact magical, its the only explanation :) thanks so much for reading, so glad you enjoyed it :)

    – Paul Hickson

  • Rocky Loder
    Rocky Loderover 2 years ago

    great read…really enjoyed it….awesome…

  • thanks a lot Rocky!!

    – Paul Hickson

  • Barry Norton
    Barry Nortonover 2 years ago

    Ha ha ha you should be on the stage Paul, keep up the good work

  • haha aww thanks Barry :) hopefully sometime in the future :) thanks for reading!

    – Paul Hickson

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