Thoughts in an exam

I am so effing tired
God why did I stay up all night watching Sex and the city
Damn you Sarah Jessica Parker and your hilarious mishaps
I wonder if she’ll ever catch a break
And that Samantha,
Wowzers! Is there anything she won’t do?
Come on man concentrate!
You’ve been staring at the same question for 20 minutes now!
But at least I was able to name every character from Glee in that time
Time well spent
Ooh I hope there’s a question on Glee!
I wish real life was like an episode of Glee,
Minus the whole Teen pregnancy and the other general drama
Then we could all just, like spontaneously burst into song
That would be so awesome!!
I wonder what would happen if I was to start singing right now?
Would the rest join in?
There’s only one way to find out
CONCENTRATE!!
Come on man!
This is a really important exam!
If you don’t pass this
You might end up like old man Peters
The grumpy hobo who lives down at the Junkyard,
Although it would be pretty coolio to live at the Junkyard
I could yell at punk kids for playing in my yard, cos I’m mean and stuff
‘Hey, hey… those be my discarded banana peels! Mine!’
And then they’d run away
And I’d be all like
“Yeah you better run! I am the junk king!”
ARRGH CONCENTRATE!!
Yes, yes exam
Ok Question 1
“How important are elections in a democratic society?”
Wow… ok
Erm… well… elections erm… are important because…
Erm… without an election a woman can’t get pregnant…
Yeah that sounds right
Thank goodness I saw that documentary
On where babies come from…
It’s strange, I always thought Vagina was a Japanese car manufacturer
Ok next question
I am on a roll!
‘Julie buys a cake and divides it into 13 equal pieces
Julie takes 2 pieces, while Rosie takes 11’

Jeez Greedy bitch! Eat much?
‘What fraction of the cake does Rosie take?’
Ya know what
I think the question should have been,
What is the probability that Rosie is morbidly obese?
Or even better
What fraction of Rosie’s overall body mass is fat?
Well, well… I should have known fractions would show up at some point
My old foe
We meet again!
A rivalry which eclipses that of
Luke Skywalker and Darth Vader
Sherlock Holmes and Professor Moriarty
Superman and Lex Luther
Sigourney Weaver and those pissed off aliens
And even the greatest of rivalries…
Hillary Duff and Lindsay Lohan!
When are those two gonna get along?
I mean big deal, you dated the same guy
God get over it!
I once knew someone who was dating someone
But they were dating someone else at the same time
And that person was like already dating some other person
And that other person was two timing on another person
And that person was dating a monkey…
So yeah…
It was like a crazy love triangle but it was more like a love… hexagon…
…Ok I’ve completely forgotten what I was thinking about before
Was it Cher?
No, no it was Fractions! Shakes fist!
Although Cher is Chertastic
‘Do you believe in life after love?’
Awesome!
As soon as I get home…
I’m getting’ my Cher groove on!
Might even get the wig out
… What am I thinking? of course I’m getting the wig out
Ok back to the test
What? Am I still on the fractions questions?
God I hate you fractions!
You suck! You suck! you suck!
What is the point of them?
No one understands them
7 out of 4 people can’t even do fractions anyway
So why don’t we just abolish them
Like we abolished Tom Sellick’s moustache
Even better lets just abolish maths all together
I mean all I remember from Maths lessons
Is how to write Boobies on a calculator
God, please let there be a question
On how to write boobies on a calculator!
Do you know what?
I’m gonna guess
Using my immense guesstimation skills
I mean I did correctly guess the real age of Frankie Muniz
43
Ok I’m gonna say the answer is…
Erm… 3 er.. with a little line underneath it, with a 7 underneath that…
With… erm… one of those division sign things below that
And a letter Q beside that
Oh and the McDonalds logo above the 3
Yeah! That looks like the answer a real mathematician would give!
I wonder if I’d have paid more attention in class
Instead of staring at Lucy’s super awesome boobies,
I would have been a slightly more capable of answering this question
And pretty much any other Maths question for that matter…
… aww boobies
I wonder why there’s so many different names for boobies?
I mean there’s
Boobs, breasts, bosoms, breasticles, chesticles, jugs, thingamajugs honkers, knockers, bazungers, bazoomas, Kerplunk, Jenga, Buckaroo, Monopoly, Yahtzee…
Wait, no, those are board games
Bridget Jones’ diary, Down with love?
No those are Renee Zellwegger films
Although Zellwegger is another name for boobies
I wonder what ever happened to Renee Zellwegger?
You don’t see her much these days
…And her incredibly husky voice
I wish I had a husky voice
Cos then I could like
Go into a bar and order a beer or a cosmopolitan
Like a tough husky voiced man
Instead of my normal high pitched girly voice
Then they’d serve me!
… I guess it would probably help if I could see over the counter as well though
Damn you puberty!
But then again Tom Cruise always gets served and he’s like 5 foot
And that’s even when he’s on tip toes
Which is like… all the time
I wonder what his secret is?
Charisma?… or maybe a Fake moustache!
That’s it!
… Ok back to the exam
Question 3
“Who was the first astronaut to walk on the moon?”
I know this one!!
Ok it’s something Armstrong
Now which one is it?
Is it Louis Armstrong?
Or Neil Armstrong?
Arrgh! I always get this mixed up!
But at least I don’t confuse him with Lance Armstrong
Like some people do
I mean how stupid do you have to be?
Everybody knows that he’s that trumpet guy!
That’s it!
Lance Armstrong rocks out on the trumpet
Neil Armstrong is a 7 time Tour de France winner
And Louis Armstrong was the first person to walk on the mother-fudging moon
Hells yeah!!
Miss Marple eat your heart out
That’s how we answer an exam question in my neighbourhood, Biatch!
Do I need to show my workings?
I’ll show them anyway

Stop writing now please, put down your pens, close your answer book and sit quietly while your papers are collected

What?
Already?
But it’s only been… an hour?!
I only answered three questions!
Three!!
There are more police academy films than that!
My parents are gonna kill me!
Oh well
On the up side
‘I am the Junk King’

Thoughts in an exam

Paul Hickson

Norwich, United Kingdom

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