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14 Iphone Apps that should exist

1. The Sylvester Stallone translator app – This is a really handy app, as it gives you the ability to decipher exactly what Sylvester Stallone is saying in his movies. The last time I saw Rocky, I swear I had to have the subtitles on! It’s crazy!

2. The “what would Jesus do” app – Ever been in a situation and been like ‘I wonder what Jesus would do?’ well now you don’t have to wonder. Simply tell the Iphone the situation you’re in such as having your hand stuck in a cookie jar and ask ‘what would Jesus do?’. A message will then appear on screen telling you exactly what Jesus would do. Other such apps in the series include “What would Madonna do?” “What would Lindsay Lohan do?” and finally “what would Charlie Sheen do?”… yeah that one is erm… not quite as popular, probably because most of the answers are just to get high.

3. The “explaining the jokes from Frasier in a way that I would understand” app – Have you ever watched that sophisticated comedy show Frasier and been completely perplexed by the intellectual jokes… by the way I learnt the word perplexed from the show itself, so it’s not just comical… it’s educational. The app works by simply holding the Iphone to the TV and every time a punch line is said, the iphone will instantly translate it in a manner that is accessible for people of a lesser intelligence level. I saw it yesterday I didn’t even realise one of the jokes was a fart joke… I love fart jokes!

4. “The Morgan Freeman narrates your life” app – If you’ve ever seen any movie ever made you might have noticed that a certain Morgan Freeman’s voice is featured in just about all of them, narrating the story with his cool and God-like voice. Well now he can narrate your life story too! As long as you have your iphone with you, he will speak from your phone commentating on every move you make! “Daniel gazed in wonderment at the colossal breasts of the attractive blonde, sitting opposite him, hoping that she wouldn’t notice… unfortunately however, his new Morgan freeman app alerted the attention of everyone in the room, including the woman whose breasts he had surveyed so extensively”

5. “The bless you” app – Have you ever sneezed and no one has been around to say bless you? I have, it’s a nightmare! But not anymore! The “bless you” app does exactly what it says on the proverbial tin. Whenever you sneeze, the iphone will immediately be alerted and will pleasantly say, “Bless you”… which is more than some of your so called friends will do whenever you sneeze, because as anyone knows a fairy dies every time you sneeze and no one says “bless you” it’s common knowledge!

6. The “what’s going on in George W Bush’s head” app – Ever wondered what’s going on in the mind of the man who once said “I know that Human beings and fish can coexist peacefully”. Well now you can! Simply point the Iphone’s camera at your television set whenever you see George, and his crazy thoughts will appear on screen.

7. The “Lady Gaga fashion” app – don’t you just hate it when you wake up in a morning and you can’t decide what to wear? Well now you don’t have to! Simply ask the on screen Lady Gaga “what shall I wear today?” and the app will suggest an item of clothing to wear such as a lampshade, or a cushion from the sofa.

8. The “Simon Cowell insult generator” app – Don’t you just hate it when you find yourself in a “yo mama fight” and you can’t think of an insult. Well thanks to the Simon Cowell insult generator, now you can! All you have to do is open the app and a list of hurtful insults written by Simon Cowell himself will appear on screen, such as “Your mother is so stupid she stopped at a stop sign and waited for it to say go” and everyone’s favourite “your mother is so fat that when she ordered a water bed they just put a blanket over the Pacific ocean”

9. “Iarguement” app – don’t you just love a good argument, wished you could have one whenever you wanted? Well now you can with “Iarguement”. Simply talk into the Iphone’s voice receiver and the intuitive app will talk back disagreeing with everything you say! Here’s a taster! “What are you talking about Michael J Fox was in Back to the future!”, “nope no he wasn’t” “What are you talking about he was the main character” “no no he wasn’t you’re getting confused with Eddie Murphy” “what? No im not they’re nothing alike!” “Yep Eddie Murphy was in it alongside Phillip Seymour Hoffman, he played the Doc! Douche!” “what are you talking about that’s not right!” “er yeah it is… read a f***ing book for once!” It even comes with a version for kids “nope nope 5 divided by 5 is not 1”

10. “Icoaster” – This isn’t a rollercoaster game, oh no it’s much better than that! It’s Icoaster! The app that allows you to use your Iphone… as a place mat for your mug! Don’t you just hate it when you can’t find a mat for your mug! It’s my number one concern right alongside economic downturn! The threat of leaving a ring stain on a coffee table is frightening! But with the Icoaster app it’s no longer a worry! Simply place the Iphone face side up on any table, that’s right any table! And sit your cup of tea on top, secure in the knowledge that your table will be free of those annoying mug stains… except your Iphone… yeah, you might get a stain on your Iphone… didn’t think of that… ooh did I mention it plays the song CopaCabana whenever your mug is sat on it?…

11. The “what Kesha sounds like without auto tune” app – Have you ever wondered what the pop sensation Ke$ha sounds like without all that synthesized voice enhancements? Well now you can! All you have to do is play a Ke$ha song such as the number one hit “Tik Tok”, and hold the phone up to the speaker. The app will instantly remove any voice manipulation and then play out the song in its true form… I can tell you I’ve tried it…. she sounds like Louis Armstrong…

12. “Igirlfriend” app – Are you lonely? Do you ever wish you could find yourself a nice girlfriend? Well now you can! With the all new “Igirlfriend” app. It’s just like having a real girlfriend! She nags, she leaves the toilet seat down, she takes ages to get ready and will also fill your house with ridiculous pillows and scented candles! In a lot of ways it’s very similar to “Iarguement” really, so… Coming soon is the eagerly anticipated sequel to “Igirlfriend” ,“Iboyfriend” for girls, which will mimic the traits of an average boyfriend such as not hoovering up even after you’ve told him atleast 6 times, fart at inappropriate moments and also act like a hypochondriac at the slightest sign of pain, when really it’s only just a paper cut.

13. The “Kanye west interrupter” app – The serial interrupter Kanye West who famously interrupted Taylor Swift’s acceptance speech is now available on your Iphone! The app will patiently wait until you’re having a conversation with friends or giving an acceptance speech at a work related award dinner to interrupt you! At which point you realise that purchasing this app was probably a mistake! Especially with over 20 different Kanye West soundbites including “I just wanna say that, Beyonce had the best music video of all time!” and “yo everybody listen to me, go out and buy my new mother f***in’ album! It’s off the hook!”

14. “Tickle-me-emo” app – If you loved tickle-me-elmo, then you’ll really love Tickle-me-emo! Try and cheer up the onscreen angry Emo by simply tickling his tummy. An app that is sure to bring a smile to anyone’s face! Probably not an emo though…

14 Iphone Apps that should exist

Paul Hickson

Norwich, United Kingdom

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