How to refrain from swearing

If you’re reading this, then it’s pretty safe to assume you’re a despicable foul-mouthed… person, there you go look, I wanted to swear then but I didn’t! Do you know why? Because I know how to refrain from swearing. But I was once like you though, I too swore like a chimney… or is it smoke like a chimney? Do chimneys swear? Anyway after letting slip a swear word of the F variety in front of the wonderful and irreplaceable Barry Manilow I knew it was time to get help… Oh come on! It was Barry Manilow! He wrote Copa Cabana! He’s a legend! You would have done the same thing! After spending 3 months in the Tibetan mountains with Buddhist monks, learning the path to inner peace and enlightenment, I was finally able to kick my habit of swearing in the presence of much loved celebrities, and now so can you!

Firstly, it’s really important that you realise the consequences of cursing. What you may not realize is that swearing contributes to global warming! Yeah, it’s true! Watch an “Inconvenient truth” it’s in there somewhere. Recently Japanese scientists conducted an experiment, whereby Italian Americans, Gordon Ramsey and the cast of the Osbournes, were locked together in a room for two minutes. In that time there was a recorded seven and a half thousand swear words, of which generated as much Co2 as nine jumbo jets and a Lady Gaga concert. Their research also concluded that the word Douchebag was the most harmful for the environment. So if you’re thinking of shouting out profanities… just think about all the baby Polar bears whose homes you’re melting. By the way did you know Polar bears are left-handed? I know weird right? I’d hate to have been the person whose job it was to find that out.

So I guess you’re feeling pretty bad about yourself now right? You’re not only a crude linguist but also a Polar bear killer, wow you’re worse than Hitler! And Hitler wasn’t a very nice person! Ok, so here’s how to refrain from swearing. All you’ve got to do is substitute the swear word for a word that’s less offensive. Yes it’s really that simple and it only took me 3 months and a very expensive trip to Tibet to figure it out. The substitution technique allows you to let out your anger in a way that isn’t going to offend anyone or destroy the planet, so I would say it works quite well. Now whatever words you use as substitutes is up to personal preference but I like to use Meg Ryan movies… by the way Meg Ryan is a swear word. However I also like to use my immense creativity to come up with new words such as… erm… Fudge…cicles, yeah I just made that up on the spot, that’s improv dawg!

So now you know all you need to know about swearing and the techniques to stop doing it, but for now I’ll leave you with this thought… Swearing makes baby Jesus cry! Yeah, that’s right, how do you feel now potty mouth? How does that make you feel? Not good is it… you made a baby cry! You disgust me!

How to refrain from swearing

Paul Hickson

Norwich, United Kingdom

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