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Pluto not a planet? what's up with that?

A normal day in our solar system, but Earth has some super important news for Pluto

Pluto
Hey Earth, I got your text about something important you wanted to tell me, I’m guessing it’s bad because you ended it with a frowny emoticon but then immediately followed by a smiley face so then I got confused…

Earth
Oh yeah, hey Pluto, err no no it’s not bad… persay… so erm… how are you?

Pluto
Err good thanks, not too bad, been a bit constipated though but apart from that, been fine

Earth
Oh really? You wanna try some of that exlax stuff that usually works quite well, I mean it did for me when I was… last constipated

Pluto
Really?

Earth
Yeah and now they do it in chocolate form so you can eat it, but not too much of it though haha

Pluto
Wow yeah totally, not for chocoholics right? haha

Earth
haha Yeah, but seriously they should, really put that on the label on the box, it’s very easy to get hooked, I mistook it for normal chocolate and ate an entire pack of it whilst watching Pretty woman, yeah the next day was… eventful…

Pluto
Right…

Earth
Erm so anyway, the err thing that I wanted to tell you… erm isn’t all that important really, actually it’s more of a tiny little insignificant thing to be honest and nothing for you to worry about at all ok

Pluto
Ok What is it then? (whispering) Has Mercury got the Herpes again?

Earth
No… wait Mercury had Herpes?

Pluto
Yeah! like a couple years back, I said to him “well what do you expect when you have planetary intercourse with strange exo-planets from another solar system”

Earth
Wow! Well I guess that explains why he wasn’t at bingo that time… anyway, that’s not what I wanted to talk to you about, it’s about you… erm ok I’m not really sure how to tell you this, so I’m just going to come out and say it… don’t get angry but we, err we all kinda decided that erm… you shouldn’t be called a planet anymore

Pluto
What?! Are you serious? That’s ridiculous, is this another one of Saturn’s pranks again, like the time he got me drunk and put me on a bus to the Andromeda galaxy with “Andromeda planets are gay” written on my southern hemisphere

Earth
Haha that was a good one, how did you get back in the end?

Pluto
Oh I met a very pleasant homosexual planet called Martin who gave me a lift back… we still keep in touch

Earth
Aww, well I’m afraid this isn’t a prank this time, we’ve really decided to declassify you as a normal planet

Pluto
So you are serious… Well if I’m not a planet then what am I?

Earth
Ok, don’t get angry, erm but we felt it would be better for everyone if we just referred to you as a… erm… Dwarf planet

Pluto
A dwarf planet?!

Earth
A dwarf planet, yes

Pluto
A dwarf planet!!

Earth
Don’t take it personally

Pluto
Of course I’m gonna take it personally, you’ve just told me im not a planet!

Earth
Well you are a planet, you’re just not… a conventional one

Pluto
Look I know I’m small but I’m still spherical and I’ve totally achieved Hydrostatic equilibrium… or whatever it’s called

Earth
Yeah but you don’t clean up after yourself

Pluto
What? what does that have to do with anything?!!

Earth
Well that’s sort of the main reason why you’re a dwarf planet, you see… you don’t attract nearby planetesimals like asteroids and debris and whatnot… you’re messy man

Pluto
So what you’re saying is, I’m not a normal planet anymore because I’m small and can’t clean up

Earth
Basically yes, and you’re weak, like, your gravity is weaker than the Zimbabwe dollar you’re so weak

Pluto
Hey! I try to go to the gym every now and then, whenever I can, I’m just super busy what with work and orbiting the sun and whatnot

Earth
Oh yeah that’s another thing I was supposed to tell you. erm your gym membership has been cancelled because you haven’t been to the gym for over a million years so it’s kind of expired… sorry

Pluto
Awww what?… Well couldn’t you have picked a better name other than dwarf planet? Like “slightly smaller planet”

Earth
Not really, that was the name we pretty much all decided in the end

Pluto
What?

Earth
Well it was either that or munchkin umpa lumpa smurf planet, which doesn’t really have much of a ring to it, I mean Saturn wanted to call you little shit planet!

Pluto
It’s so nice to be loved by your friends… well I guess it doesn’t sound quite so bad in comparison to those names

Mars
Hey guys! How’s it going?

Earth
Hey, I was just telling Pluto the news

Mars
Oh… yeah the… news, forgot about that… hey Pluto, just so you know I voted against the whole idea… so…

Earth
What are you talking about you moron? You were the one who came up with the vote… and you supplied the sandwiches

Pluto
Is that true Mars?… did you supply the sandwiches?

Mars
Sandwiches is such a strong word, they were more wraps than anything

Pluto
Wraps! What was in them?

Mars
Chicken salad

Pluto
Awwwww, that’s the best type of wrap

Earth
It is yeah

Pluto
Well this vote you had, did everyone do it

Earth
Err yep, even Uranus

Pluto
What?! Uranus voted? What?! but he never even comes out because he’s too embarrassed about his name!

Mars
Oh is that why we never see him? Poor guy… haha Ur-anus

Earth
He’s never really been the same since Neptune bitch slapped him off his correct axis

Pluto
I suppose next you’re gonna tell me that a comet voted as well

Earth
Oh yeah, Larry voted

Pluto
So was it like a close run thing with like one vote deciding it?

Earth
Erm not really it was pretty much a majority landslide to be honest

Pluto
So no one voted against the idea? Not even Jupiter

Earth
Nope, well Jupiter didn’t even know you existed, because you’re… ya know so much smaller than he is, and he’s never actually seen you, well he can’t see you to be fair… Because you’re so small…

Pluto
What? How can he say that, our parents are like best friends, we went to High school together

Earth
Well you know, you can’t always believe everything Jupiter says he’s full of hot air so… oh and gassy, very gassy

Pluto
Well that’s the last time he gets a Christmas card from me

Neptune
Yo yo what’s up players! What’s happenin’ in the inner solar system yo? Oh have you told Pluto the news yet? He is gonna like seriously flip out man

Earth
Yeah… he’s standing right there

Neptune
Oh hey, sorry dude, you’re like so small I didn’t even like see you there man… how ya doin’?

Pluto
Oh yeah I’m doing great considering I’m not a conventional planet anymore!!

Earth
That’s the spirit!

Pluto
I’m so sick of being treated differently because I’m small! I’m always too small to go on the rides at Planet land, I can never see over the counter in a bar, so then I can immediately forget about buying alcohol because they think I’m a child! And then the worst thing of all, I’m constantly ridiculed by my so called friends! Small planets have feelings too ya know!

Earth
Dwarf planets, Dwarf planets have feelings you mean, you’re a Dwarf planet now

PLUTO EXITS ANGRILY

Neptune
Yo guys play it cool, Jupiter’s coming

Mars
Hey Jupiter what’s up

Jupiter
I’ve got a question and I want you guys to be truthfully honest ok… this red spot I’ve got on my face is it noticeable? Be honest

Earth
What are you talking about? I mean I can’t see anything spot related right Mars?

Mars
No me neither, what spot would be my response, to that, to that question, I really can’t see anything

Jupiter
Really? Hey Saturn put the hula hoop down a second and come over here

Saturn
What?

Jupiter
Is this spot noticeable

Saturn
Woah dude that is gross man look at the size of that thing! It’s bigger than Earth dude! Wow! You’ve gotta get some Freederm for that thing dude! God I really wanna pop it but I don’t wanna touch it! Jeez that’s gross!

JUPITER EXITS CRYING UNCONTROLLABLY

Saturn
Woah guys look it’s Venus!

Mars
She is super hot

Neptune
Totally hot! I could orbit her all night!

Saturn
I know right, like she is like literally the hottest planet in the solar system!

Earth
Definitely

Saturn
Do you think I have a chance?

Mars
What with venus? No way

Saturn
What? Why not?

Neptune
I hear she’s into bad boys

Saturn
Really? What is the attraction to bad boys?
Earth
According to Planet dating magazine “A Bad Boy exudes untamed masculinity, independence and confidence which women find attractive”… apparently

Saturn
Well so what, I’ve got a massive super cool ring around me what’s cooler than that?

Mars
Wait a minute is that Pluto talking to Venus?

Neptune
It’s hard to tell he’s so small

Earth
Yeah it is him, what’s he doing?

Neptune
I think he’s chatting her up

Saturn
Haha what a loser he’s gonna get shot down big time! He’s not a bad boy! He’s a Dwarf planet

Earth
Err actually I’m not so sure, she seems to be having fun with him

Mars
They’re coming this way!

Earth
What was all that about Pluto?

Pluto
Oh what, that just then? Just gettin’ my groove on, I asked her out!

Saturn
Obviously she said no

Pluto
Err nope she said yes, so I can’t really stay and chat to you sad losers because I’ve got a date! With a girl! Who exists! There she is over there!

PLUTO EXITS

Saturn
I wish I was a Dwarf planet

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Comments

  • Vicki Spindler (VHS Photography)
    Vicki Spindler...over 3 years ago

    Aw haha that was brilliant!!! Loved it, but I just realised while reading it… I’m Pluto :P :( feels sad now haha… your writing is so funny!! How do you do it? I’m so jealous :P Anyways I really enjoyed reading it, it was such a laugh, I love your work!! :))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))

  • awwwww thank you so much Vicki!!!! you really are super kind!! haha aww I think we’re all a bit of a Pluto really lol but atleast he wins in the end :) lol im really glad you enjoy reading my crazy work lol thanks again Vicki!! xoxo

    – Paul Hickson

  • Linda More
    Linda Moreabout 3 years ago

    Very funny and talented piece, you’ll be on the Graham Norton show yet, keep up the good work

  • hahaha aww thanks Linda, Im a big fan of graham norton so that would be great lol thank you so much for taking the time to read this!! :) thank you

    – Paul Hickson

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