In 1875 Alexander Graham Bell invents the telephone, 1969 man walks on the Moon, 1992 some guy clips a whole bunch of pegs to his face just for a laugh and in 2012 a little Englishman called Paul hits 50,000 views on Redbubble, yeah that’s right! that’s a 5 and then a zero and another zero and then another zero and then another zero after that… and then… is there another zero after that? I don’t know I lose count cos there are so many zeros, like more zeros than… than… than Police academy films, yeah that many! I’m sorry I’m not really that egotistical and boastful, I don’t really care to be honest, I’m just playin’ it cool, I mean it’s not like I’ve been sitting here staring at the view counter for the last three days straight… it was just two days… which is absolutely fine, there’s nothing sad about that, three days is super pathetic, two? Absolutely fine.
So it’s been two glorious fun filled years since I discovered the wonder that is Redbubble, jeez that nearly makes it sound like I’m in a relationship with Redbubble, does this mean I have to take Redbubble out to a fancy posh restaurant to celebrate our two year anniversary? I can just imagine it, me and my laptop with the Redbubble homepage on the screen sitting at a table making flirtatious glances at each other, me more so… and then some snooty French waiter makes a sly comment about how I couldn’t get a real girlfriend and then I accuse him of being obtuse and then he’s like “well I could say the same thing about your date” and I’m like what’s that supposed to mean? And then the waiter replies “your laptop screen is open at an obtuse angle”… open at an obtuse angle… hello is this thing on? Some slapstick comedy for ya there… yeah it’s erm… its been a slow day.
Like any relationship it’s had its ups and downs. Lets begin with the ups… Cue Redbubble highlight montage video with uplifting Billy Joel music… yep so highlights, highlights erm… ok this montage video might be quite short, we’ll probably have to fill most of it with scenes from old Dallas episodes… erm oh I got one erm I got a vote in a challenge once, yeah… oh and I was featured in that group that one time, that was pretty kick ass! I was so smug after that I was like “No Mum I cannot clean my bedroom because I am a featured photographer now” I didn’t have to clean my room but I did have to spend the best part of an hour on the naughty step for talking back, yeah my parents watch Supernanny. They seem to think those behavioural techniques for children are equally as effective on a 23 year old… its ridiculous and demeaning, although I do enjoy the treats I get when I’ve been a good boy. And then there have been the lows, specifically the great Redbubble layout revamp of 2012, now I don’t mean to be too blunt when describing my view of the new layout but after much consideration I am of the opinion that it’s a load of pickles! That’s right… things just got real up in here people! You know fudge is gonna go down when I start shouting out profanities like pickles! I’m sorry if anyone was offended there, it’s just that I felt the new format seemed to marginalize the writers a little as though the written word wasn’t appreciated on Redbubble anymore. Oh and another thing it’s about as easy to navigate as IKEA. I mean I have to keep asking other Redbubble members for directions, I’m like “Excuse me, erm, do you know how to get to the open challenges page?” and they’re like “sure, you take a left at the recent photography page and then a right at the manage artworks page, carry on for five clicks then bare left at the list of groups page and then you’re there, you can’t miss it” yeah 9 times out of ten I miss it and find myself down some obscure cul-de-sac of a web page called live webcam babes.net “you lookin for a good time?” “oh erm no thank you scantily dressed lady, I’m actually looking for the Redbubble challenge page, I think I may have taken a wrong turn at the manage artwork page” its like a low budget version of Finding Nemo. Anywho with all the radical Redbubble changes I got kinda drunk with rage… and alcohol… mostly alcohol, and one thing lead to another and I posted a rather embarrassing Youtube video of me screaming “Leave Redbubble alone! Leave it alone!” later that night there was a stand off of sorts between me and the “delete Redbubble account” button. The way I was carrying on though anyone would think it was the button to detonate a nuclear bomb. So I was faced with a very difficult choice, press the delete button and end the relationship or carry on and try to make it work. I couldn’t make my mind up so I decided to sleep on it… plus Keeping up with the Kardashians was on that night and I didn’t want to miss it, it was the episode where Kim and the girls go on a wild shopping spree and find this super cute handbag which has been marked down from $900 to just $899 and then they argue over who should get to buy it and then Khloe calls Kim a bitch and then they call security who escort them out of the store… and then they all make up again over Ice cream, aw those Kardashians I just cannot keep up with them crazy gals no matter how hard I try. Anyway that night I had a crazy dream where I was in a boat rowing away from an Island when all of a sudden a big red bubble came out of the water and started chasing me, ya know like in that 70’s TV show “the Prisoner”. So in the end I just decided to stay… not by choice but by fear of big red bubbles that absorb people. Ya know this is starting to sound an awful lot like a romantic comedy. I can see it now, Gerard Butler would play me… obviously… we’re so alike oh and Meg Ryan could play the part of Redbubble, she’s a pretty versatile actress I’m sure she could play a website, the director would be like “Ok Meg that was great but this time try and say the line a bit more… how can I put this? more websitey” and then Meg Ryan would be like “I don’t know what that means?” and then the film director would be like “Come on Meg you know what I mean, you spent 6 weeks pretending to be a laptop to prepare for this role now say the line more websitey!” Yep Hollywood is one crazy place! Oh by the way if you’re all clambering like mad things to get over to Youtube to see that video of me going crazy I’m afraid it no longer exists. Once I sobered up I managed to intercept it before it went viral, it was touch and go, a few seconds later and I would’a been the next sneezing panda.
Regardless of the bad stuff, Redbubble has had a major impact on my life providing me with a platform in which to realise my love for writing. In fact if it wasn’t for Redbubble I’d probably still be playing inside my fort at the bottom of the garden. I used to like to pretend I was the king of the entire garden, my kingdom stretched all the way from the potting shed to the conifer bushes. This one time the fort came under siege by a terrifying beast with menacing eyes and teeth that could rip you apart… it turned out to be a badger… we had to call in pest control… and the kingdom of super duper McAwesomeville was saved… that was until the kingdom next door whose ruler was a ruthless tyrant… and aged 6, declared war, and so began the war of the “shout mean things like poopface over the fence”. He won… he was too mean. I went to my Dad to tell him that the kid from next door had been mean to me but he was just like “you’re 21 for goodness sake go get a job!” So I took my father’s advice and hit the Internet hard and went on a job hunt. Yeah the job hunting lasted all of 5 minutes I got a little side tracked by the website Cats that look like famous people.com and then went on a bit of a tangent thereafter and that’s when I stumbled across the website we all know and love… Redbubble… and yes it was love at first sight. Ya know what Guys? we definitely have the foundations for a romantic comedy here, lets make this happen, I’m serious, any filmmakers out there? This is it! This is your next big hit! I can do the teas and cakes, who wants to make the costumes?
So two years and 50,000 views later here I am, with an entirely new purpose and sense of direction, you know what? I’ve got a really good feeling the next two years are gonna be really exciting! and I’m not even talking about Cher’s upcoming world tour next year which I just know is gonna be Chertastic! I mean come on it’s Cher! No actually I’ve decided to write my first book, which I would not have believed two years ago considering the only books I was interested in back then were pop-up books, oh word to the wise, always take care when reading a pop-up book about a unicorn, yeah that horn’ll get ya! wear protective goggles or something! I mean ever wonder why Pudsey the bear always wears an eye patch? Yeah that’s right freak pop-up book accident.
Lastly and certainly not least I just wanted to say a super huge thank you for all the support that I’ve received from the wonderful people here on Redbubble, It’s so incredibly appreciated!!! To be in the presence of such talented individuals as yourselves is so awe-inspiring, I am a massive fan of so many photographers, writers and artists on Redbubble to the extent where I’m like those screaming girls you see in archive footage of Beatles concerts, I mean I’ll be browsing through people’s galleries just screaming at how awesome the work is! So thank you, I am truly honoured to be a part of this family we call Redbubble. Merry Christmas and a happy new year…
Oh here’s a song about smiling…