So for the last couple of weeks I’ve been busy working on my brand spanking new musical “My Fair Stallone”, it’s loosely based on the musical My Fair lady only with Sylvester Stallone in place of the lady, yeah I’m pretty confident it’s gonna be a huge success! 10 times better than my last musical “Bruce Willis the musical” which didn’t exactly get the best of reviews from the critics, apparently they thought it was too Bruce Willisy, whatever that means? So now they’re not letting me do this year’s community Christmas production, which is a shame because I was gonna do a musical version of the novel 50 shades of Grey. Anywho, in my solitude I’ve been somewhat cut off from the recent news and events, so it came as a great surprise when I discovered this morning that they’re making… wait for it… a… wait for it… new…wait for it… Star Wars trilogy. I know right! Amazing news! Just so you know my love for Star Wars is equal to that of my love for Julie Andrews, maybe even more so. I was so surprised and excited I screamed out like a teenage girl at a Jonas brothers concert, which is kinda frowned upon when you’re at a library. Yep, you see I like to go hit the library every month or so to check out the latest pop up books, I love pop up books, I mean if it’s not a pop up book then I’m not interested, that’s why I know nothing about Catcher in the Rye but I know everything about Benji the little engine that could, having said that though I did get poked in the eye by a pop up book about a unicorn once. So the strict librarian lady was like “SHUSH!! People are trying to read!!”
“Sorry, I just found out they’re making a new Star Wars trilogy”
“They are? THAT IS SO FREAKING AWESOME!!!”
Yeah she screamed for like 20 minutes, I don’t think anyone got any reading done, I mean who’d o’ thought the strict old librarian lady was so into Star Wars. She even showed me a picture of her at a Star Wars convention a couple of years ago in a Princess Leia costume… yeah unfortunately it was erm… it was Princess Leia’s skimpy slave girl costume from episode 6… yeah needless to say I may need therapy and I’m afraid to close my eyes because every time I do that image is there… haunting me.
Despite all the jubilance however I must admit I do have a few reservations, one being the fact that Disney will now take over from George Lucas which could mean we’ll see cameo appearances from much loved Disney characters like Mickey mouse playing Han Solo’s long lost brother and Daffy Duck playing a bounty hunter. Not only that but it’s set after the events of Return of the Jedi. What I’m thinking is how far after? I mean is it like 40, 50 years later? And all the gang now reside in an old people’s home on the planet Bespin? In which case I can just imagine one of the scenes now, where the grandchildren come to visit and Luke tells them all about how he defeated the Evil Empire “I blew up the death star I did, fired two proton canons down a 2 meter wide exhaust shaft, big explosion there was, then we all got medals”
“Yeah, sure ya did Granddad, next you’ll be telling me you’re a jedi… excuse me, nurse, my Grandfather is talking rubbish again will you increase his medication please”. And apparently the script is being written by the same guy who wrote Little Miss Sunshine. Now don’t get me wrong I loved Little Miss Sunshine it’s in my top 5 movies right after The Princess Diaries, but what could we expect to see from such a writer in the context of Star wars other than Han and Leia travelling across the galaxy to get their 8 year old daughter to a beauty pageant on Tatooine? Oh and they have to keep giving the millennium Falcon a push start in order to get it going. But the most disconcerting thing of all is the news that they’re going to resurrect Darth Vader so he can appear in episode 7! Now I’m no doctor or anything in fact I got a D in Biology but I’m pretty certain you can’t come back to life once you’re dead even if you are super strong with the force! So how in heck can they bring him back? Will they do what they did in Dallas when Bobby Ewing appeared in the shower after supposedly being dead for an entire year but in fact his death was all a dream, imagine that, Luke Skywalker going to take a shower only to find Darth Vader already in there and he’s like “Good morning”, you know in his deep Darth Vader voice. If that were to happen we could atleast take solace in the fact that those lameass Ewoks were all a dream too! I hate them… oh so much! Ya know what on second thoughts? I take it all back, as long as there are no stupid furry Ewoks, I’ll be happy, yep I’ll be happy with a Star Wars movie that consists of a bunch geriatric Jedi knights, along with Disney characters popping up from time to time to say… ya know something Disneyish, with Sith lords magically coming back to life and appearing in showers, as long as there are no fudging Ewoks!!! Sorry… I got a little carried away there, I just don’t like Ewoks, oh and people who say “Guesstimate”… nope no thank you it’s not as clever as you might think. Anywho we have the next 3 fun filled years to speculate on the details…
…I just remembered… I haven’t been to work in like 2 weeks…