iAN Derrick

Poor Oscar shut his eyes while he tried to estimate the ever-increasing monetary cost of this pointless exercise. Then he heard the fateful words …

"You can have that in three words, son," said Reggie. "Understanding and compromise."

Discussing social affairs with Willie was like trying to hold an intelligent conversation with a deranged metronome.

However, Briac Gawain Caratacus, known to his friends and associates as the Beloved One, was far from normal and most definitely not the personification of mediocrity.

‘Pray tell me kind sir,’ asked the little storyteller, ‘what must I do when I enter inside the bubble?’

I reckon the kids’ schooling, under a highly-educated university-trained dole bludger, shows much foresight and excellent employment of available human resources.

‘Come quickly, Clappers, Matthieu is in terrible pain. He was rolling around like a cut snake until I asked Ida Downs to sit on him while I fetched help.’

‘Pretty good, I reckon. She has me shaving and wearing shoes. But Milly is a bit of a worry. I suspect she is Being Ockerrooed.’

‘Angus McDougall Padric O’Toole?’ There was dead silence until a little voice piped up with ‘That’s him standing there wagging his tail, Miss.’

‘Is it true, Miss Nette’, asked the over-awed star reporter, ‘that you intend to go skywards in that little itty-bitty shopping basket

They say you never forget your first encounter. She was a sweet nubile being who offered him everything Matthew could wish to experience.

‘Why, sergeant Clappers, are you asking me to remove my trousers?’

Some serious consumers of amber beverage stayed sober enough to rename it Heaven in the desert.

‘I know all of you will be pleased to learn, especially you Thornton, that this is my last day of teaching to you cretins horribilis

A bloke had to be pretty bloody stupid, two kangaroos short in the paddock, to even think about driving two hundred miles west of Burke …

‘Cackles’ dad can. He’s a copper, see. They teach ‘em how to do that stuff when you go to coppers’ school

‘She appears to be dragging some kind of large tin tub into the middle of the yard.’

The city powers with noise and smells.
I can do without noise.
I am a connoisseur when it comes to smells.

When the sun sinks in the west it delivers a message to the occupants of the little seaside village …

‘The D80 is a highly efficient digital camera with lightning-fast performance, Howard,’ offered Mark.