Flashback
This is a follow-up poem to The Screaming Box. I wrote this a few months back. It is a very diluted retelling of how my mother came to die; and how it effected me in the process.
She killed herself…but would not have died had the man I call The Black-maker (as he killed my mom, took my innocence, and stole my memories…and so very much more) effected me.
it is a very personal poem. But felt like sharing…I may end up deleting it…you know how it goes. but right now, I feel like purging. thank you for indulging and reading. :)
Flashback belongs to the following groups:
"Poetry and Beautiful Women" , All Out Emotion, All Things Poetic, Artistic, Philosophical, Anger Management, Core [C.O.R.E], Creative, Talented, and Unknown, Inspired By Life, Light In The Darkness and The Art of PainTraveling backwards,
to that day;
those days –
those forgotten in mind,
remembered in heart days
makes me sick.
My body physically reacts
to its secrets; cradled to the
shallow mess of those ripped
shreds
that made me;
I do not know how to feel!
I don’t want to feel!
bleeding from a torso left
to vultures (vulture) head
sheered clean –
thrown to the outer reaches
it’s best that way
I want to see
I don’t want to know
please God – how could she do it?
Throw me away like that – leave me
to die like that?
She comes in flashes.
Flash – getting beaten
Flash – being tortured
Flash – loaded gun in her face
(my face)
Flash to her last scene – rummaging
through the bathroom cabinets
unsure but
sure;
this is it –
looking in the mirror,
seeing
her face
and not caring –
those are not her eyes
(the ones that smile upside-down frowns
showing her daughter all is well – she is
fine – here…still here somewhere)
no,
those are not her eyes.
She reconciles with herself;
the emptiness of space, the comfort calling to her
from far away spaces…
She forgets her child then in order to see
the light more clearly –
there is only light, here
in this light on no eyes
Flash – to her on her knees, puking;
heaving,
blonde hair kissing white sick –
a twisted halo of abuse.
Flash – to her last words, “I’m so sorry –
please forgive me.”
Flash – to her silence, unconscious; limp
85 lb frame.
He starved her, you see –
she saved all the food
allotted to her,
for me.
She drank coffee.
She hated coffee
Flash – to the hospital
Flash –
to her dying…
Flash – to the monster
who took her from home
(killed her at home)
telling the hospital staff he didn’t know
what was wrong with her
(he saw all the pill, and cold medicine bottles
empty –
strewn all around her last breath)
but he said:
He had no idea…
Flash – to the permission slip,
they asked him to sign –
the gift of permission to pump her stomach –
give her dialysis;
give back her life
Flash to him refusing – pleading ignorance.
Flash to her taking her last breath alone,
dead at 26 years old
Flash to his fake tears…
Flash to the girl
(it’s black here,
I can just
lighty
touch it -
then gone.)
erasing her hard drive;
voiding her tears on a floor filled
with blood; screaming
her pain inwards, as the man
feeds her
lies –
and vies for her small bed…
Flashback to now.
Dead like her Mom.
There was no funeral.
And now here I sit writing out
all my dark – trying to grasp the
ungraspable.
Like vapor it is.
Trying to hear her last words to herself (to me)
as she took all those pills and forgot
her kind eyes; trying to see her
for who she once was,
before the black-maker
took them from her
and
the one
who now writes to (remember)
make sense of her pain,
and the one who still haunts her
every line-shadow,
waiting in pores, and each movement;
each smile is the same hidden memory waiting
to pop,
like the cherry
he popped on my little girl pink sheets…
Yet still, I stand still
alone and misused,
staring into the mirror at eyes
she once knew
as her own,
and she laughed, and they laughed, and the love…
they shared love!
back then
there was nothing
but love.
Flash back to my death,
and the future reversed,
“I have missed you my love…
welcome home.”
No darkness can touch us here.
Here…we are free.
© Kristin Reynolds 2009
marieangel
The pain the memories the clarity the distortion….all from one pen…more than a pen a life ….fantastic write oxo
Kristin Reynolds replied
thank you, hun. :) xo
marieangel
you really are the phoenix that rises with an embeded dove of purity hidden away and a sparrow even deeper so much more to give yet so much taken from you may you have only love and light in your mind body and spirit for evermore Kristin oxox
Kristin Reynolds replied
Wow, thank you so much for that comment, what a great vision, on every account, thank you, hun. :) xo
JRGarland
There hadn’t been a day that had gone by that I didn’t seriously think through how to kill myself until my son was born. From that point onward I thought how it would affect him if I did take my own life. Now it’s just a memory. My heart goes out to you my dear sweet friend. Feel my arms around you with a heartfelt hug.
Kristin Reynolds replied
I feel it. Thank you JR. :) love, K xoxo
lianne
So much raw pain, so many terribly haunted memories that live in you and there is no empathy, no compassion, no understanding in the world that can erase this terrible truth. I have no words, Kristin, except to say that I ache for you, I am crying for you but at the same time, praying, hoping, believing, that the love you have found now in your life can assuage this burden of grief. I can’t and won’t offer platitudes or advice – but I’ll say that I have come to love you as a very special person and I know there is someone with you who loves you like his own life and that love is your refuge.
Kristin Reynolds replied
You are a very wise and kind woman. Bless you always for being you, and for your beautiful words. :)
thank you, love, Kristin xoxox
James Watson
Arms open wide.
Kristin Reynolds replied
and mine right back. xoxo thanks, J. :)
Trenchtownrock
I am at a lost for words to describe this piece and how you put it together….this is just BRILLIANT!!!!!
Kristin Reynolds replied
All I can offer is my most heartfelt thank you; a biiiig hug from the ether, and a big, toothy smile. :) love you, one loveman, K xo
Cassidy JK (Ra...
She created a stunning woman in her likeness who is brilliant, warm, a great mom and so much more than she believes.
This is incredible writing, straight from the gut to the heart.
You’re amazing! Xoxo
Kristin Reynolds replied
Cass…I wish I could have you beside me whereever I roam…so as not to stray too far.
Thank you, so so so much. xoxox
(so are you!) love,K :)
Erika .
Oh, Kristin….this is definitely a purging write. You’re amazing. Love you so much. XXXX
Kristin Reynolds replied
Thank you, sweet Erika. xoxo :)
bluewhite
Dear Kristin, dear beautiful woman, I lived inside your account here as I read it. You have taken such a grotesque, horrific experience and transformed into the the gut wrenching account it is so we can walk with you through it. Now doubt you did for yourself. No doubt you did this for us. Thank you. We care. You know that. More than just the words here, your soul is what I feel and want to affirm the most. Your past is redeemed most beautifully in this special creative work of heart and soul. Aye dear girl. Aye. (I hope you don’t delete but perhaps making it non public for awhile as you need will suffice. That way it is not gone from here forever.)
Kristin Reynolds replied
Thak you so much, L. :) I most definately wrote this to “let it bleed” as the song says…I can’t let that potent poisen linger too long, else it rots everything good I’ve reserected within me.
Thanks, dear, love, K xo
gemini63
You are amazing I cannot begin to feel the heartache you felt and continue to feel huge hug coming your way you deserve it
Kristin Reynolds replied
Thank you. :) I’ll take that hug, and return it with love. :) xo
Coronus
This was like a gale force wind! So full of power! Despite all your tragedies, it is evident that your soul illuminates with such strength and force that an army of Black-makers would not stifle its potency! Brilliant poem.
Please join my group – Inspired By Life
And add this work to the group. It would be such an honour having you and your body of work in my group.
Kristin Reynolds replied
Thank you very much, Jono, I appriciate that deeply. :)
An army of blackmakers – fuck that! :) I’ll need my biggest stick for that. :) lol
Coronus
Brilliant, honest writing that comes straight from the soul.
Kristin Reynolds replied
Wow, Jono, thank you so very much for the honor of this feature. This definately came directly from my screaming soul to page.
thank you so much. :)
love, K xox
Blanchot
K, this is a painfully powerful poem. It is really incredible and incredibly sad, though I know that pity is that last thing you seek. I am in awe of your brave, all too brave stance that “Had things not happened this way, I would not be the person I am today.” For the latter I rejoice, while still finding the former anathema, wanting the find and dismember the “Black-maker,” throwing him into the eternal no light of the abyss created by the cosmos for him and him alone. Brave poem, for a brave woman! You are amazing! I love you, Rusty
Kristin Reynolds replied
R, yes, no pity please…I’d much prefer, Wow, you sure are strong now! hehehe.
Thank you, Rusty. Leave the dismembering to the gods, please, I know you are strong, but they have resources we, as mere humans, do not. Leave the black-maker to their laserguns; bio-chemical crystals, and throwing of body parts to the 4 corners of the globe.
Thank you,
you are also amazing, and i love you, too. K xo
happyfeet5
Kristen, would you please go to your BB mail? Iris
Kristin Reynolds replied
I did. :) thank you sweet Iris. :) xo