I Want to Fight I Want to Live
On my mother’s side, we have a long history of diabetes and depression. After my mother died I fell in a great depression and this is what I wrote. It is about the fight I had within with diabetes and depression and of course, my grief dealing with my mother’s death at that time. At this moment I don’t feel those feelings as strongly, but it is because I usually try to block out those memories. They are too painful. I had a hard time translating this one into English, not because of the words, but because my feelings were put out in the open again, though in about four more months it will be 13 years since she died. The poem may not make much sence, but it does to me. It deals with two topics, depression which she also suffered and diabetes. The complications were terrible and she wouldn’t sleep at all, so we were up taking turns 24/7 taking care of her. I love you Mom. Iris
I Want to Fight I Want to Live belongs to the following groups:
! Creative Writing & Poetry !, "Poetry and Beautiful Women" , All Out Emotion, All Things Poetic, Artistic, Philosophical, Everyday Life, Everyday Women, Feminine Intent (LIMIT TWO IMAGES PER DAY), Freedom In Words & Art, Inspired By Life, Lifeline, Mature Woman, Midnight Ramblers, The Art of Pain, The beauty of poetry, THE SISTERHOOD, The Word Tree and Vibration in Art and Verse - VAVoom!My children have gone to school
my husband has gone to work
I’m alone in my house
alone with my thoughts
I am tired, oh so tired of this fight
with this horrible sickness that took my mother’s life
and that now has also made a claim on me
cutting me slowly with it’s sharp edged knife
Oh, woe. Woe is me
All of this futility
My struggle , my depression, my diabetes
is getting the better of me
Oh melancholy, you are my only company
and from my side you refuse to leave
I am tired of the struggle, yes tired of the fight
My mother wanted to live and how she fought
and I also want to fight and live
But you should have seen, you should have seen
how she suffered with that long and sad agony
To think that my hands were tied, I couldn’t take her pain away
I couldn’t do anything.
Oh, I am tired. Wouldn’t it be better if death came in a sweet slumber
where I just dream and won’t feel anything?
I don’t know if you are capable of understanding me
my mother who laughed, played, loved life and had so much energy
fought and she lost the fight in great agony.
You Sun with all of your wisdom and glory
with all that you’ve seen
What advice do you have to give me?
Where are you now, where have you hidden when all of this happened
Where have you been?
But I don’t see you
Ah, it’s that cloud that’s covering you
Or is it that it was you who hid behind it
for not wanting to tell me the truth?
But come out Sun, come out you coward!
Give me a little of your rays of light
and bathe me with your advice
For I want to live, I want to fight
Take away this melancholy that doesn’t want to go,
for within me it has deeply intertwined.
And you Moon, what is happening that I also don’t see you
Why don’t you come out when the Sun is out shining through
Could it be that she has prohibited you to
so that your beauty she will hinder
or is it that she opaques you with all of her splendor?
You are so beautiful, come out and fight and defy
You also have a right to come out during the day
and shine with all of your glory.
Fight to live, don’t be afraid
look at the way the coward hides away from me.
But come out you two
I beg give
me some light,
just enough rays of hope
and a little bit of strength
because I want to fight,
I want to live
But behold and look!
The cloud is gone and with it the melancholy
What happiness
Yes, I now see you Sun, with all of your glory
and the Moon, now I understand,
that for her I will have to wait when comes night
for there is a pact between the two
one comes during the day and the other at night
There was no bad intention.
It was only my imagination
For between them there is balance.
Ahh. Yes, now I see the light
And I will FIGHT AND LIVE
...........................................................................................
But tomorrow is another day
who I ask will accompany me
You Sun, You Moon,
or once again the cloud that hangs over me
alongside melancholy?
raymondoantonio
SO TRUE IRIS!! DEPRESSION IS SOMETHING THAT IS SO HARD TO BATTLE!!! EVERYDAY IS DIFFERENT AND EVERY DAY A NEW CHALLENGE!! STAY STRONG!! STAY POSITIVE!! REACH OUT TO YOUR FRIENDS!! DON’T LET YOURSELF GET INTO ROUTINES!! DO SOMETHING COMPLETELY DIFFERENT EVERY NOW AND THEN, BUT MOST OF ALL, BELIEVE IN YOURSELF AND LIVE IN HOPE!!! TAKE CARE IRIS!! X
happyfeet5 replied
Thanks a lot raymondo. Thank you for your wonderful advice and understanding. And yes, every episode is different. Sometimes some are lighter than others. Some get to hit you hard. I know that my friends out there are out to help. You are the Sun, the Moon for me. The clouds are the only ones that sometimes don’t let you see through. But they are always lifted and then you feel better and see things for what they really are. Iris xoxo
H M Bascom
This is a powerful, healing writing.
happyfeet5 replied
Thank you Helen for reading. Usually I block out these memories, for then I start getting all mushy and that’s not good. Today I was able to translate it and get it down here. I’m feeling o.k about it now. Once again, thanks
erich biemer
very brave and healing….......
happyfeet5 replied
Thank you erich. Thanks for commenting. I’m glad you feel this to be brave. And yes, kind of healing. I really appreciate it very much. Iris
Coronus
Iris, this is your most powerful work yet. amazingly brave.
happyfeet5 replied
Thank you jono. I know that this is a topic that a lot of people can relate to. xoxo Iris
Nascha
I know your struggle Iris….depression is a really tough one. Hugs. Great share. Thank you. xxxx
happyfeet5 replied
Thank you very much Jane. Thanks for your understanding and your hugs. I really appreciate them. Will difinately have to look at this poem with all of my friends comments when the clouds start coming in. They’ll surely be uplifting. Iris
ricardo perez jr
this is sad ,i could barely read it ,not the lady who is alwys been so friendly to me, and understanding. I’ll pray for yu iris ,see i never told yu i have muscular dystrophy ,so i know wut yur going through here ,God Bless yu love rick
happyfeet5 replied
Now you are breaking my heart. And you are so young. Thank you for trusting me enough for telling me. And right from the start I saw through that picture of yours that you are a great guy with a beautiful soul. So, I guess the poem is for both of us. But, we have to keep hanging on there. Thanks to persons like you, makes it all worth the while. And God Bless you. love Iris
autumnwind
Dear Iris, we all have our clouds. This is a brave and beautiful write and you have simply stolen my heart. You write straight from the beauty of your soul, and it reaches and touches us deeply. Somehow our vulnerability endears us to each other, as we all indeed are in many ways one and the same. Love to you sweet friend. xoxoxo
happyfeet5 replied
Thank you my friend. As always, you have encouriging words to support and uplift one and you always know where I am coming from Yes, we alll have our clouds. Good thing is that for some reason, we know at that moment that they are there covering you, that sooner or later they will lift and be gone. Thanks again, my dear, loving friend. xoxo Iris
Rebeladdict
Iris, I wanted to send you some rays of sunshine.
I couldn’t find any because they are all lighting up your heart..
xoxo
happyfeet5 replied
That is so sweet. You are indeed a poet for that is what you have written me and you have giving me joy. Will always treasure your words. And thank you for your support. Iris
Trenchtownrock
This is an amazing piece of writing..I know I use that word often but my gosh this just blew me away..the struggle…the pain..the longing for the mother gone and the hopelessness that resided in the first part of the poem..this is so inspirational because it reminds me to fight..to not just lay down the armor of life and give up..you are a soldier my sista..a real fighter and your words are golden ray of light to my soul as I read this…bravo to your heart and spirit.
happyfeet5 replied
I am so glad that this one especially touched your heart, for I read your “Deserted Angel” and felt your pain for your lost friend. I am glad that this one will help others keep on with their fight, with their struggles, for life bares us with so much sorrow and obstacles. Sometimes you want to give up, but when that cloud is lifted then you see the light. You have been also a golden ray of light to my soul. Thank you for reading, I really appreciate it and your support. Iris
Leon Walker
Good for you in your effort to make this more widely known. I wish you strength!!! Wonderful writing!!!
happyfeet5 replied
Thank you Leon. Thank you for your support. I know everyone has their own struggles in their life, so if this was able to help them, then it was worth opening a scar in my heart. I appreciate your comment. Iris
Shoaib .
iris.. this touched the very core of my being, if anything know that you are living truly… your words live on in everyone who reads them and feels them like i do…
love you hun, thanks so much for sharing this piece
shoaib
happyfeet5 replied
My dearest Shoaib. I know that your words are true. Thanks for saying that my words will live on. If they do to bring hope to someone and make them keep on with their fight in life, just one person, then it was worth my opening up that scar in my heart. I love you too Iris
lianne
Oh Iris – this is just remarkably honest, raw, and so very true to the reality the grieving deal with. It takes a strong faith and a strong spirit to overcome the depression that comes with grief and loss. What a beautiful wisdom to share – thank you for this courageous post!
happyfeet5 replied
Thank you lianne for reading. So your words are very true, family and friends are the ones that need the spiritual guide and comfort for the dead or dying are usually at peace. Yes, it took a lot of me to share this, but it is healing and I guess others felt that it motivated them to keep on with their own struggles in life and not to stop fighting. Once again, thanks for stopping in. I truly appreciate it. Iris
wingsoffire
What a tremedous piece of poetry, it was like you reached in and touched my soul with every word that you wrote here friend, diabetes is a rough I worked in the health care system for many years and saw so many horrible things that this disease can do to someone, and depression is a common thing in my family as well having battled with it most of my life, I know how those melecholy days can go, but, we don’t go through the things in life to just give in we hold our heads up high and are stronger because of our struggles I do belive. This piece is so touching and so heartwrenching written from your heart and soul, sending you hugs and you are in my thoughts for brighter days.
happyfeet5 replied
Oh, my God. Your words nearly brought tears to my eyes. They are so heartfelt and touching and knowing that you understand what diabetes could do to you and what depression could also do is very uplifting. Thank you for your hugs, they are truly appreciated. Iris
Coronus
happyfeet5 replied
Thank you, thank you, thank you. I am so honored. Love you . Iris
autumnwind
CONGRATS dear Iris!!! Extremely well deserved!! xoxoxo
happyfeet5 replied
Thanks a lot shar. Means a lot to me. xoxo Iris
jacqleen
Iris, This is truly a HEARTFELT piece…..I can Feel your pain, fear, even anger…..but also YOUR STRONG SPIRIT….YOU are so so AmAZING my friend…..and I am sooooo lucky that I get to FEEL your words in such emotional way !!! and for tomorrow or any other DAY, I would be Honored if I can accompany YOU :)))
Much LOVE hun! xx
happyfeet5 replied
Thank you jacqleen. Your words are a song to my heart. I will treasure them. And thanks for your company. Any time you want. love Iris
AFogArty
I understand Iris, and again I cry.
Stay strong, stay true and mom will be there holding your hand. Hugs to you my friend xx
happyfeet5 replied
You have a very sensible heart my friend. Thank you for your support. Iris
Isa Rodriguez
oh <iris>
happyfeet5 replied
I know Isa. I know. Don’t have to say a word. If Titi Dolly, Annie, Tio Richard would hear these words, they too wouldn’t know what to say. Love you , Iris
RebeccaWeston
Congratulations on your well deserved featured in Inspired by Life
Becca
happyfeet5 replied
Thank you very much Becca, as well as jono. I am grateful and thank you for your support.
Kristin Reynolds
This is an amzing poem, Iris. I felt the back and forth so well (I know that feeling so very well) of the want and need for light…but also of the want and need to indulge and cry…and that’s o.k…as long as we eventually find our way out. :) I’m sorry for all of your pain.
This is a viceral poem. congrats on your feature. :) love K xox
happyfeet5 replied
Thanks a lot Kristen. Thank you for your support that you always give. I just read your poem The Screaming Box and it kind of reminded me of this one only you lost your mom when you were a child. Love and hugggs, Iris
Rhenastarr
My friend this is an amazing, inspiring piece of writing. Powerfully emotionally and for anyone to has to deal with Diabetes and it’s effect on the psyche it is a heartwrenching look into
what they must endure. Sometimes it does become a day to day struggle under the weight
of the frustrations and limitations. Your strength and beauty of purpose shines through in this
beautifully written piece. Bravo to you and blessings.
happyfeet5 replied
Thank you for you inspiring and uplifting comment. I think you mentioned that you are familiar with it so you know the struggles that go along with it. The ups and downs, the diets, the insulin, the meds really take a toll on you. Thanks once again. your friend Iris
Rhenastarr
Congrats on a most deserving feature in Inspired by Life.
happyfeet5 replied
Thanks once again Marie for your support. I as always appreciate it. Iris
helene ruiz
wonderfullt written and so inspirational!
happyfeet5 replied
Thank you helene. I’m glad it inspired some people, for there are a lot out there with pain.
Paul Rees-Jones
Well as someone with diabetes and who has suffered with depression…this is wonderful.
Thanks You.
: { )}
happyfeet5 replied
Thanks once again Paul for commenting. I’m glad you liked it. Iris