Death is a funny thing. It is a part of everyones lives; our friends, family and even ourselves. We all accept it as a reality, and when it is not touching us personally, it is easy to discuss it in a logical and rational way. When someone close to us dies, death takes on a whole new form, and reason goes out the window. This happened to me this week and has completely shifted my perspective on a fact of life I have rarely ever questioned.

I’m not a religious person, I don’t believe in an after life, and I don’t think we return to the world for a second round. At my core I am scientist and I believe in cold hard facts. Since losing my friend this week, much of what I believe has been brought into question. I accept tragedy is a part of life, but that being said, I am having significant difficulty in accepting the death of someone who was at his core, a gentle and beautiful man.

In my youth I was a bit of a loner. I didn’t have many friends, and I couldn’t relate to many people. Life was tough at home and at school, and the only relief I got from it was hanging out with my best and only friend Tom. We use to spend many happy weekends together exploring the country side which both of us knew well. Tom in many respects was like a brother to me, and we both watched each others backs in difficult times.

As the years rolled by, and I progressed from Primary School into High School, Tom and I fell out of contact to the point we lost it all together. Both of us continued along our own paths, but unknown to me, Tom’s was not quite as favourable as mine. A victim of bullying at school, and sharp spouts of depression, Tom’s world was not unlike mine, accept he had a harder time dealing with it.

I am not one who believes in fate, but as fate would have it, Tom and I reconnected three years ago. It was a very special moment for me and I was overwhelmed with emotion. In many regards it was like being reunited with a family member. There were many tears and smiles all round.

Following the initial meeting many more followed, and again we began to enjoy a friendship not unlike that in our youth. In many regards it was like commencing from where we left off. Sadly though, Tom harboured a secret. A man that seemed happy on the outside was in fact feeling a lot of pain.

Over the years Tom had clearly become more recluse. Living in an isolated part of the country he was becoming more and more separated from society. His best friend was his dog, and when she died I fear he was more broken than ever. It was after this event that he cut ties again, and it wasn’t until I heard about his death today that everything hit home. He was 29.

Death never really comes to mind until it hits you personally. This is the first time I have lost someone I genuinely cared about. Many emotions consume you, making you feel sick to the stomach. The overwhelming question of why hangs at the back of my mind, and tears flow at random moments. Do I wish I could have said goodbye? You betcha. You will be missed dearly Tom, and I wish I could have taken the pain away that eventually consumed you.