Let me explain. I have trouble expressing anger. I believe that it could be extremely destructive if I were to show it to the world. So I swallow it, maintain an impassive facade whilst the anger blazes within me, a veritable inferno of the soul.
I have good reason to feel angry at the moment, have done since late November, in fact. There is a schism within my family which no amount of industrial strength glue can ever fix. I am the focus of that schism. I have been burying intense feelings of rage for 4 months now, wanting so badly to express that rage through my images, and fearing that they, like the feelings themselves, could be somehow dangerous.
So what you see in front of you is not necessarily a picture of me expressing my anger – you will notice the impassive look on the face, too controlled, too level. The spiking “flames” of anger are the very things that I strive to contain – not everyone deserves to get burned. And besides, it tends to make me physically sick on the odd occasions when I do lose my temper.
As usual, this image didn’t really turn out as I had planned – it would probably have been less representational and more abstract had I followed my original instinct. This is the result of a series of experiments with extrusion and fractalius applied to a medley of photographs of myself and some fireworks – red, explosive and angry.
And I’d like to thank my friend James Lewis-Hamilton for commenting so astutely on my portrait of Dave last week. It was precisely the absence within that portrait that was so important – the things that I was choosing not to say (though I must point out that Dave has been nothing but supportive through this whole sorry affair, so my anger is not in any way directed at him. If anything he is as much a victim of this current situation as I.) Hopefully I will now find it easier to talk about this anger through my images.
Sorry to have written at such length – but it is so good to have got that off my chest! All part of the healing process……….