Gregoryno6

(The Author Confesses – I originally posted this last year on another forum. But it’s unlikely that anyone at RedBubble has read it, and anyway, recycling ought to be encouraged, right?)

CLASSIC MELODIES, TASTELESS LYRICS

God gave me a limited range of talents. And those that he did give me – well, sometimes I just wonder what he had in mind. I mean really, what purpose is served by my vandalising of time-honoured and much-loved tunes?

Perry Como recorded a song back in the Sixties called Seattle. Remember it? Nice happy ditty about a boy leaving home to find his true love. Or it was, at any rate, until I heard a news report about the death of an American academic:

They’ve got a dead professor now in Montana
Another good guy’s going bad in Montana
When he rots, what a smell
See his friends run like hell
Dig a hole and drop him in
And shed a tear and pass the gin
And that’s the way they say farewell in Montana
In Montana…

Not exactly Bob Dylan. More like Tom Lehrer, or Weird Al Yankovic. Still, it’s useful in times of stress to be able to privately mock your oppressors. This rework of Lou Reed’s Perfect Day was inspired by a former place of employment:

Oh, life’s perfect at PA
We’re so happy we could all puke!
So happy at PA
We just want to burn this joint
We just want to tear it down…

The theme music from that great Western The Magnificent Seven was used for many years in advertisements for a certain brand of cigarette. The tune was running through my head one day, and suddenly…

Children, don’t smoke Marlboros
Tobacco will only kill you
Save your money, and save your lungs
A human chimney is not pretty!

Sometimes a song is so soppy that it screams out for improvement. If Bonnie Tyler had had my lyrics, she’d still have a career today.

I was lost in France, and the men with guns were waiting,
I was lost in France while the nuns were

Well, maybe not. And if you’re a Roberta Flack fan, you should probably finish right now.

The first time you ever sat on my face
You said my nose was just too damned cold
And you complained that I hadn’t shaved that day
Well that’s too bad
Your mama likes me that way...

The first time you ever wore the uniform
You said you felt like such a fool
I said Don’t worry, darling, you look fine
Now get ready to be spanked
You’ve been a naughty little girl...

The first time we watched the neighbours get undressed
You said We’re crazy, we’ll be caught by the police
I said We’re safe, they’re down at number 5
I hear they put on a good show, that’s where we’ll be tomorrow night...