1985 & her
By: Greg Hilton

Tonight at 1:30am, I decided to go for a little drive. I was restless, tired of thinking about stuff here at the house. The bills, money, my job, I just wanted to clear my head I guess. Before I left, I burned a few songs on a CD. Music to help me think about the things I wanted to think about, and forget about the things I didn’t want to think about.

It was cool outside, very dark, and lonely. The road was quiet and traffic was almost non-existent. The CD player and the songs I burned were the only sound I could hear except for the sound of the exhaust coming from my Camaro. I guess you could say this was a trip back in time to 1985. I had the music, I had the car, and so I drove on deeper into the night with no specific route or destination planned.

I cruised by one of the few stores around that was open and got a diet coke (yeah, proof I’m 40) and was back on the road, cruising thru Jasper, then turning on a back road, headed for Curry. Home of the Yellow Jackets, big hair, blue eye shadow, and the first girl I ever loved.

I don’t know why I went to Curry. I guess somewhere in my mind I needed to go there. I think sometimes when you can’t find your way in life, it helps to go back to a familiar place, a familiar feeling…..and re-live that again. No matter how insignificant, sometimes the smallest thing in life can have the greatest impact…..like a phone call, a text message or simply traveling back in time.

She wasn’t really what you’d call popular; she wasn’t even considered a pretty girl by most of the guys in school. But I didn’t care. I remember my best friend telling me I was nuts when I said she was the prettiest girl in class. He liked the popular cheerleader types. I could care less what she did or didn’t do. I just hoped that I might get a chance to talk to her sometime.

I was extremely shy in high school. It made talking to girls difficult being so shy, and dating was almost impossible. Hell, you had to ask someone out on a date. I was lucky if I had the guts to just talk to them about what our homework was. But as it turns out, the first year we were in school together I did not get the chance to talk to her often. My shyness kept me from getting to know her…but we did talk once in a while. We were friends from the drawing competition, which was cool.

As luck would have it, she chose Curry too, and I found out later her older sister had attended Curry, just like my older brother Stewart had. After a rough year in 10th grade, we were now in the 11th grade and it would be a good year for me. I bounced back with my grades and I started to make things right with my family again. I had a car, I had friends, I had a purpose…..and each day would be a step toward graduation and going to college and achieving my dream. My dream of being an artist…..a commercial artist, it was a dream that I had had since I was 12 years old. I was still somewhat shy, but I dated a few girls. I never dreamed of asking her out though. I feared rejection from her above anything else. If I asked and she said no, it would crush me. Too young and too dumb to know the difference, I guess I never considered she might say “yes”. What then big boy? What would you do if she actually said yes?

The 12th grade came. I had caught up to my classmates from my 2 year rut, where I basically failed every subject that mattered. Another good year for me would be 1985, and on May 31st of that same year, I graduated with my classmates…..and she was still there. That smile and those beautiful eyes and her long brown hair were even more gorgeous now. The once pretty girl had become a beautiful young woman. Still talented, she still drew a lot and so did I. Sometimes we would compare drawings and talk about techniques we used to achieve certain results. Her eye for color was amazing, just like my mother’s, who was also an artist, which just made me love her all the more. But I never said a word. I never asked her out. And before I knew it, we were setting in the middle of the football field at Curry, accepting our diplomas. I had missed my chance to make her mine, to go on our first date, to look her in the eye and tell her how I felt. How I had loved her since the first time I saw her. We threw our caps in the air at the end of the football field, we all hugged, we said so long to some and to some others we said goodbye. We were congratulated by family and friends and then we all went off to start our new lives……and I wondered if I would ever see her again.

I still had friends that I hung out with from high school after graduation. A buddy of mine and I had become tight over the summer after graduation. We rode around the parking lot on weekends, flirting with the pretty girls, laughing and listening to ZZ Top and 38 Special. It was such a good time. I was working, I had money. I had a killer truck. I was planning on enrolling for college during the winter semester. Everything was clicking and I was on the right path, but I still thought of her often. I wondered how she was and if she was happy. God she so deserved to be. I hoped she was, even if it wasn’t with me. I guess that’s when you know you really love someone.

It turns out I would see her again. I would see her often, almost every weekend for a while. My buddy had started dating her older sister. Her and her sister were very close and went out on the weekends together, so it was kind of like we were together regardless of whether we wanted to be or not. God knows I didn’t mind. The more I got to know her, the more I saw her, and the closer we became, just fueled my feelings for her even more. We never went out on a date alone. We were always with my buddy and her sister it seemed, but when I looked into her eyes, the whole world disappeared. The funny thing is that I can’t even remember what color her eyes were. The color wasn’t important. It was how I felt when I looked into her eyes that mattered to me most.

After a while my buddy and her sister broke up. I would see her car. She and her sister were together, talking to other guys. It killed me to see her talking to another guy…..but I never said a word.

I let her go and I never told her how I felt.

I never asked her out.

I was no longer shy….I was afraid.

I still feared rejection from her….the one woman that I would die for, but who I was too scared to ask out.

In hindsight it seems so stupid now because we were good friends, and if she had said no I would have lived…but I guess I didn’t see it that way at the time.

Days became weeks, weeks became months, months became years, and years became a lifetime since I last saw her. I did run into her once after I was married to my first wife. She had bleached her hair and it was short now. But God she was still just as gorgeous as she was the last time I saw her. I haven’t seen her since that day though. And 20 years later I still wonder if she’s happy……and I hope that she is, even if it’s not with me.

My drive helped me think thru some things that were bothering me. It helped me realize that the love I had for her is still here inside me. I had started to believe it was gone, but I guess I just needed to go back and find it again. May we all find a love so true some day.

July 2010 – An update to this story: Reconnected with “her” recently and she’s doing just fine and happily married. He’s a lucky man. I wish them both all the best.