Chapter 5: Eggconomic Considerations
Now, at last, Circum had his documentary evidence of his forthcoming success and riches, with his Scroll from none other than the highly respected Ohmi Gudnessme Suberman the Third!
Clasping it firmly to his bosom, Circum made his way to the grandiose house of the Chicken and Egg lender, Ahrmanda Legge, who was the only other man in the village who had the reading and writing knowledge.
Ahrmanda Legge had balls. Three of them. In polished brass, hanging above the doorway to his imposing premises.
Well, to be honest, they were more egg-shaped, and hung below an impressive Rampant Rooster, also in polished brass. Here was a man who meant business!
His fat chickens lived in a luxurious barn behind his house, and he was known to be absolutely rolling in eggs. He shelled out eggs to peasants who came grovelling to him when they needed more eggs than they themselves possessed, to give to the ever demanding Great Authority.
What it did with all their eggs remained a mystery.
One alternative when demands couldn’t be met, was for the peasant to disappear in the middle of the night, never to be seen again.
Another alternative was to ask Ahrmanda Legge to lend them enough eggs to get them out of trouble. Or into it. Little did the poor peasants realize that they would remain forever poor.
For every 10 eggs that a peasant borrowed, Ahrmanda Legge would insist on 15 eggs in repayment. Within the passing of one Full Moon. By the second full moon, it would be 20 eggs. By the third, it would be 30 eggs. Or else Ahrmanda Legge would send in “the Legge adjustment boys” to visit the peasant and “remind” him of the debt.
At an earlier stage in his life, Ahrmanda had considered using quails instead of chickens. The main problem was the quails had a tendency to flock off. Building an aviary large enough to contain enough of them would be a problem and the net result would be a smaller number of smaller eggs.
Micro financing with tiny little eggs? Being considerate, magnanimous and generous towards the peasants was not in Ahrmanda’s nature.
Nah – good old greed took over, modeled on the Great Authority.
To avoid being visited by Ahrmanda’s “boys”, the peasants had one last desperate alternative.
They could go to another village to see yet another lender of chickens and eggs, the notorious Ghivas Mohr. They would borrow Mohr eggs, on similar terms, to repay Ahrmanda Legge’s eggs. Of course, there were “Mohr boys” to contend with…
So, the vicious circle continued for the poor peasants, who just kept on getting poorer. Ghivas Mohr or Ahrmanda Legge. What a choice! The peasants’ own scrawny chickens could never ever set the proper eggs ample.
Now, borrowing a chicken attracted an even higher return and even higher penalties for non-repayment.
Eggscruciatingly higher. It meant the poor peasants losing some “eggs” to which they had a very private and personal attachment. Details, alas, are far too gruesome to recount here.
Not only did Ahrmanda Legge and Ghivas Mohr have the most chickens in their villages, they also had the most plentiful supply of roosters.
They would hire them out to the peasants for five eggs at a time, so they could service their own chickens, who in turn would produce more eggs with potential roosters within them.
These eggs were then repaid to either Ahrmanda Legge or Ghivas Mohr, who would accumulate even more eggs and chickens and roosters.
This was an eggconomic “win-win” situation for them – but not for the peasants!
Yet, knowing all this, Circum was still determined to borrow thirty-two chickens and seventy-five eggs. He tried doing some calculations, but he couldn’t count on his mathematical ability.
Never mind. He had a Plan.
Chapter 5B: An Alliance is Forged!
One look at Circum’s scroll from Sub Scribe and Ahrmanda Legge would surely recognize the value of B S Artistry and come to the party. He would very soon be even more filthy rich, beyond even his wildest dreams!
When The Plan worked, Circum would scramble to complete his Master Plan!!
Why, Circum might even make an affiliate B S Artist out of Ahrmanda, provided they stayed on the same page and remained in the same loop.
Ahrmanda took his loupe (a special magnifying glass) and studiously scrutinized the Scroll Circum slowly spread out before him. After the first scrute, he had to have another closer re-scrute of the fine script.
All the time, his calculating mind was racing, counting the countless chickens and eggs that would come his way.
This B S Artistry was something he could really relate to! As he continued to read and calculate, a thin trickle of saliva dribbled from the corner of his twitching mouth.
“My Dear Friend!” Ahrmanda beamed at Circum. The huge gap between his upper front teeth gave a very realistic impression of a snake flicking out its tongue to detect a potential victim.
Circum stood there, waiting to be consumed – or consummated?
“My Dearest Friend!” repeated Ahrmanda. “Of course you can have your thirty-two chickens and seventy-five eggs! Look, I’ll even give you a few extra Full Moons, because return peasants can sometimes be a bit slow. A good well fed express peasant is hard to find!”
Circum smiled and stroked his scraggly beard. The Plan had worked!
This would be an affiliation made in Heaven! He could even start his own chicken and egg business and hang his own balls outside the door of his own soon to be Illustrious Abode!
Now, he had to seal the deal with Ahrmanda Legge and consummate their affiliation.
Circum had the upper hand here. From the folds of his dusty habit, he took a parchment – which he had prepared earlier – and laid it on the table in front of Ahrmanda Legge. It read:
“Being the B S Artist that I am, I, Circum Scribe, do hereby promise to pay Ahrmanda Legge ……(Insert numbers of Chickens) and ……(Insert numbers of Eggs) in full consideration of borrowing 32 Chickens and 75 Eggs, within……(Insert Full Moons) the aforementioned specified numbers of Chickens and Eggs, whichever come first, or I am not the B S Artist of the First Order that I have claimed to be.”
Whatever numbers were inserted were of little interest to Circum. He would soon have enough chickens and eggs to pay out the loan many, many times over.
At the bottom of the parchment, Circum had already made his new Round Tuit “Trade Mark”, below his signature.
A “BSA” within a Circle.
Ahrmanda inserted the appropriate numbers of Chickens and Eggs and Full Moons, including, of course, an allowance for eggsigencies and contingencies and the G reedy S eizure T ax he was authorized to collect on behalf of the Great Authority.
With a feathery flourish, he then added his own Signature.
With the thought of his new honorary affiliation, he added: B A (Hons)
Circum decides to bite the pullet and visit his soon to be friend Ahrmanda Legge, lender of Chickens and Eggs, in order to realise his dream, and forge a new Alliance with his first Affiliate Honorary Scribe. Somehow, I can see Terry Thomas in that role. Ghivas Mohr – maybe Slim Pickens?