The shoes still have the mud on them.

That winter day when we walked through the paddock, holding hands and pretending that the manure we were trudging through wasn’t annoying.

That day, when you pushed me up against the cypress pine tree and reminded me of the things that I had wondered about when I was a little girl sitting on the seventh branch of one.

That day you hurt me and I haven’t worn the shoes since.

They sit in the basket by the back door, with the umbrella, the dog leash and the outside slippers I wear when I bring in the washing. They sit there like an unwanted puppy. Sad and yelping at me. Muddied and changed forever.

That mud has my tears in it.

I can’t throw those boots out and I can’t wear them. They just sit there waiting. It’s like you’re hiding in them. If I pick them up, you will jump out of them.

SURPRISE! YOU THOUGHT I’D GONE FOREVER DIDN’T YOU?

No.

I feel you in the darkness.

Closest to me when I sleep.

Your hand resting on my thigh sometimes, reminding me of ways you touched me then.

My dreams are filled with you.

Why wouldn’t you say you loved me that night beside the cypress tree?

I wanted you to fall in love with me. To want me. To pine for me so much. I thought that pine tree was a symbol of your desire.

It wasn’t.

You never told me you loved me.

I wanted to be with you.

I wanted to feel you.

To share with you my skin, my sex, my breathlessness.

Like we did last summer.

Four months of sweet happiness. We were a team. Happy. In love.

I wanted sunshine and rolling waves, us collapsing at dusk and rolling around each other like tumbleweeds.

I didn’t want paddocks and horse shit. Torrential rain and pine trees that scratched my skin and left me bleeding.

I climbed that tree as high as I could go when you went away.

But when you called and said you wanted to talk, I raced from my house to meet you at the farm as quickly as I could.

I didn’t think you would be leaving.

Why won’t you marry me?

What is wrong with me?

Why couldn’t it be me?

I never wanted to be like all of those other girls in your past.

I wanted to be more to you than a casual affair.

I wanted to be the one.

When we were driving down that winding road, lost in the misty atmosphere, your hand on my lap – I was sure you’d fallen for me.

I was sure you had decided that I was the girl who had stolen your heart away.

The girl who would wash your clothes, cook you dinner and cuddle you on the couch.

You had that smile on your face and the sun in your eyes.

Your eyes were twinkling like flecks in green opals and I remember that moment so clearly.

I’ll never forget that moment and i’ll hold it like a gem stone to my heart forever.

Your face turning to horror.

Your scream.

“NOOOOOOO, LOOK OUT!”

I don’t remember anything after that.

Except for the moment when they told me that you had died.

I’ll remember that forever.

© ryan