The end of the line is where I am at. The train goes no further. But I am just beginning, setting forth on a new journey.

This one bag is all I have from my old life. The child that was growing in me is gone. Expelled involuntarily. That was the last straw, the last thing I chose to put up with.
What is it I am going to? I don’t know really. It took me so long to leave. I stayed, because I thought I had nowhere to go. I was afraid. I thought this was all I deserved, yet I knew it was not.

When I saw my baby reduced to a small red puddle on the floor I realised that going to nowhere was better than here. His hands should have held and protected the child – instead his fist damaged it beyond repair.

There are few things that I want in my life.

I want to be able to lie in bed past 6am. I want to get up myself, not be dragged out and called a lazy bitch.

I want to be able to make a mistake with the toast – what difference does a darker shade of brown really make? It tastes fine, especially with Vegemite.

I want to stay out longer with my friends. They know what happens, yet they don’t say. The looks, the whispers, the pity. I always left early and rushed away, to be there when he got home.

I don’t want another scar. Scars on the inside take so much longer to heal, if they ever do. On the outside I am unblemished – he demanded perfection in everything. He was clever – there are so many ways to beat a person without leaving scars for all to see.

Already the lines on my face have eased. I feel like I am standing taller. Some things still make me smart, like when I stood in the queue for the ticket and the woman behind me breathed heavily into my neck. She meant nothing by it – just a sigh. I froze, remembering his glacial expulsions. He used to do that – come up behind me, not touching me, just breathing on my neck. If I moved he would grab my hair and yank my head back. I learned not to move – just stand there frozen – until he chose to finish it in ‘his own special way’.

She was just a woman in a queue. Not him. No more. He is with my baby now
.

The start of the line is where I am at. I got off the train to nowhere. No longer a passenger – I’m taking the wheel.