…and it did come to pass that the Birth Day of the Lady who is called Bell did fall upon the Winter Solstice of the South and determined to celebrate it was She. The Lady who is called Bell didst summon her Wenches saying “Verily I say unto you, meet me at the Bar of Nancy on Saturday eve, where the Martini’s flow with Honey, and we shall drink and be warm, for within the Bar of Nancy dwelleth a Place of Fire and we will warm ourselves thereupon it.”
The Wenches who were Summoned did say unto themselves “Surely we will present ourselves at this banquet, and nothing shall standeth in our path, indeed not even the Horses of the Wild shall impedeth our progress.” And Lo, it was so.
These are the Wenches that did present themselves to the Bar of Nancy:
There was Helen who is in Miniature, the Fortunate Zucchini, Yasemin of Sumner, Lady Jessica of Tremp and Lisa’s G. And behold there was much hugging and kissing of cheeks.
As the Wenches gathered themselves around the Place of Fire, a brave young Servant of the Bar of Nancy did approach bearing gifts of Martinis flowing with Honey. Dry of mouth and weak of knee was he as he declared “By the goddess Diana, surely such beauty has never before been gathered in one place as here!” to which the Lady who is called Bell replied “Aw shucks mate, you’re only saying that because it’s true…”.
The Wenches did laugh with wicked delight at the brave young Servant’s discomfort, and many were the suggestions offered as to how his discomfort may be eased. The sound of their laughter and the nature of their suggestions didst mightily influence the young Servant’s loins, and he did flee, muttering unto himself “Surely these Wenches would drowneth me in carnal desire, and I would die of it. But what a way to go eh…?”
And so the Wenches were left undisturbed, and did drink of the Martinis flowing with Honey and did stretch themselves before the Place of Fire and Lo, they were as cats, for such was the languid grace of their movements and the purring of their satisfaction…
But it did come to pass that later in the night, a Messenger of the Express Post did call upon the Bar of Nancy proclaiming loudly “Verily, I have a something here for the Lady who is called Bell! If she be here, may she come forth and receive my package!”
“I wonder what you get if you come fifth…?” the Fortunate Zucchini did say unto the Lady who is called Bell as she rose to present herself to the Messenger of the Express Post, and great was the mirth of the other Wenches…
The Lady who is called Bell did bring her package to the table and presented it before the Wenches saying “Surely I say unto you, I am curious as to what may abideth within this wrapping.”, and Helen who is in Miniature did reply “Indeed, open it I pray you, so that its contents may remain no more a mystery.”
So the Lady who is called Bell did open the package with much haste and behold, therein lay two forearms and a note. Lisa’s G did immediately say “Oh, I say Bell, could you lendeth me a hand?” and while the Wenches did pass the forearms amongst themselves, the Lady who is called Bell did pick up the note and read:
Forgive my absence from your gathering but please find within a gift to you of my forearms, which I have freely given unto you for a time. You may use them as you please but for these conditions:
1. The arms must be returned unto me no later than Sunday next and
2. Please don’t leave any bite marks that will take more than a month to heal, yeah?
Verily I say unto you, dire consequences may follow if these conditions are not met, for surely you will be taken and placed in a place of many crumpets, from which there will be no escape. And there will be a great crocheting of doilies, and they will all be pink.
Apart from that Hon, go for your life…
Your devoted servant,
The Lady who is called Bell’s pleasure did wax mightily at the receipt of her gift and holding the Friar’s arms high she did say “I have read the note of the Friar, and forewarned is forearmed, so let us enjoy this boon while it may yet last!” and there was much rejoicing and drinking of drinks…
This is an excerpt from a very old document that was unearthed sometime in the middle ages by a dutch monk. The original has been lost, unfortunately, but it is said that soon after discovering it, said monk left the cloister and joined with a band of reputed witches, living a nomadic life and eventually dying at a ruinously old age surrounded by a dozen young virgins.
He was buried under a brothel, and to this day men finding themselves in room 8 swear they have felt a strange presence over their left shoulder and heard ghostly whispers of advice on attitude and technique…