. I’ve been out of action for a few days and it seems like it could be a few more. I fell over of all things, something we don’t really do as adults much eh? I’d just bought a new camera lens and was engrossed in reading what was on the box as I walked along, just couldn’t wait till I got home. Crossing the road I caught the front on my boot on the tip of the centre island and down I went!!! No hands out (they were clutching the lens) and my face spread out over the pavement. Blood pouring out from the corner of my head where my glasses, all bent to buggery, had embedded themselves into it. Immediately a crowd formed, where do they come from? I don’t know about you but I’m a bit funny over having a fuss made of me (maybe it’s a man thing) and couldn’t wait to escape the helpers. Lucky for me across the road was an opticians and if I was going to get anywhere near driving home I needed to get my specs right side up. I walked into the shop glasses all this way and that, blood running down my face, the site of me would have disturbed anyone, but the assistant I came across says “Can I help you?” ………………….
……….. “what are you f*****g blind?” says I.
I was in a nasty mess, came over all queasy and passed out. Next thing I wake up and I’m surrounded by men in white coats. “where am I?” I ask.
“why don’t you tell us where you think you are”.
Don’t you hate it when they say that?
So we go along with the guessing game and as it turns out of course I’m in the hospital. They want to take tests now and keep me in overnight for observation.
“Wait!, before you go …. where’s my camera?’
“Don’t think you’re in any condition to have your photo taken sir”…………………………………………….. he jokes,… well I was wondering. Haven’t you ever visited your local Doctor and the receptionist says “Are you here to see the Doctor?” they have a weird sense of humour those health specialists.
I still got rather panicky as it’s years since I’ve been on the inside of a hospital apart from having my tonsils out when I was six. By now my voice had increased in volume. I’m a singer and I could tell I was heading towards soprano!)
The Dr tells me to settle down and not to worry … it’s all routine and he would appreciate me keeping my voice down so I don’t disturb the patient in the next bed who was not so fortunate.
With that they move away and leave me alone with my thoughts and the unlucky person next to me. Almost at the same time the white curtains are drawn back by a nurse who had been in attendance revealing the man next to me covered in bandages and plasters. Legs up in the air with support stirrups tubes and stuff. Horrible!!
As the nurse moved off he made an attempt to call out to her which was difficult having one of those masks strapped around him.
“Nurse” he calls “can you tell me please are my testicles black?”
For a nurse she seems a little unsure of what to say, even embarrassed. She moves away to the exit so he calls again “Nurse, can you see? are my testicles black?”
She steps back towards the bed and tells him that she’s really only there to give him a wash and brush up and that maybe he could wait for the regular Dr to arrive, but he seems adamant. “I just want to know if my testicles are black” he mumbles.
She glances across at me and I make as though I absorbed by a five year old tatty copy of Woman’s Weekly. Pulling back the bedclothes she gently tugs down his pyjama bottoms and carefully takes his ‘tackle’ in her palm. “they seem alright to me”
He wants to say more and gestures for her to wait a moment whilst he manoeuvres the mask from off his face. “ Thankyou, that was very nice, but .. Are my test results back!!?!”