You Know All These Years I’ve Been Eating With The Wrong Fingers…!!

David, my ex-pat London lawyer friend had a visit from his parents this week….. …….Lord and Lady something or other…… ‘Loads-a-Money’ I think……man have they got serious cash ……I once visited their huge mansion in Bath, England…. monstrous place, even their chauffeur has a chauffeur. They’ve got glass hand bells for summoning servants and sporting trophies in a cabinet.
He says to me “my parents are here why don’t you come round Friday after dinner” …….We’re just worlds apart. He’s had a a long and successful career… I come from Dagenham in East London. People who live there don’t have careers they‘re well pleased just to have jobs.
It’s not twinned with anywhere that’s for sure. It hasn’t any strange attractions which must not be missed, or an information centre…… nobody wants to go there…. It has got an escape committee and a suicide pact with Stevenage.
Our house was really pokey….. two short strides and you were half way up the stairs. The walls were so thin if the television wasn’t switched on you could hear next door’s budgie talking to itself. Mind you these days the budgie would be more entertaining…..Television has proved that people will look at anything rather than look at each other. If I settle myself in front of the T.V. for, I don’t know, ten minutes. I am in serious danger of remaining there for ever!!……… I cannot drag myself away!!!. I sit there and watch the most crappiest movies into the wee small hours , eyes bulging out of my head. I know where the remote is …. It’s on top of the telly but I can’t be arsed getting up to get it!!
I was addicted as a kid………
I loved the cowboys…..Hopalong Cassidy, Rin Tin Tin ,The Lone Ranger, The Cisco kid…………. I’d spend hours in the shed afterwards slapping me chaps………………………………………as cowboys did !!!!!!!!
I arrived at David’s, knocked on the door he opened it wearing a dinner jacket and bow tie saying….” I thought I told you to come round ‘after’ dinner” …..I said “That’s what I have come round ‘after‘…… (know what I mean ….worlds apart.!)……….
Have you ever been for a stuffy tea in the house of the rich….they have fish knives and cruet sets. I’ve never seen a fish knife in my life. Come to think of it that’s not strictly true ….my old dad had one that he used to scrape out the chicken shit from the nesting boxes. …… I’d spot him a bit later spreading butter on his toast………… same knife!!!…………………
David’s mother said ”Do you mind if I sit on your right hand at dinner?” …(you’re ahead of me I’m sure..) I said…” I guess so………. But I might have to use it!……….( not a smile ..not a crack …. Not even a grimace.)… I thought some Friday night this is tuning out to be. I know the dying process starts the minute we’re born but somehow it accelerated this night. We started with consommé …. It tasted like someone had left a bowl of warm water and a piece of meat in the same room together….. and NOTHING is less important to me than what fork to use…
She said “ I have no concern for the common man other than he should not be so common”…. I said” Go take a flying fuck at a rolling donut!” and it was all down hill from there………..

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