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Laugh… I Nearly Did!!…………..

I got attacked by a dog a few days ago. It came out of nowhere this thing snarling and growling. Not sure what it was …. Some psychopathic pit-bull Chihuahua……
Readers Digest Book of Handy Hints says “ Once the attack has commenced use anything on your person as a weapon” ….I only had a Bic biro … what was I supposed to do …. Write on it?! (Please f**k off)
The owner came sloping along … I knew it was the owner he had ‘Bollocks’ tattooed across his forehead. I shout out “ Hey mate!.. MATE!! ..can you call your dog off?” He snorted back.. “Don’t be a pussy mate………he even likes kids”…I thought I bet he does …………..with gravy.
“You must have done something to get it going
Like what? Sniffing it’s arse ………….or humping it’s leg!! I was lucky to get away from both of them.
I got home to find the bank have stopped calling me “ Dear valued customer” …. is that an omen?
See……….. they give you an umbrella when the sun’s out and when it starts raining they take it back again. ……they’ll lend you money alright, as long as you can provide evidence that you don’t need it. …………. I always need it!! Well it does come in handy …especially with the recent news….. My daughter has a new man in her life ….. It seems things are getting very serious now and she’s talking about changing her name to his……………… that’s ok but………. I’m never going to get used to calling her Rodney. I wish them a long and happy marriage , the same as I wished myself. …..Mind you that dream was shattered a short time back when after thirty years of marriage my wife and I decided to call it a day.
Let me tell you wether a relationship is good or bad, after thirty years of being together when that person is no longer there it leaves a big gap to fill….. I wandered around in a bit of a daze at first…….started doing things I don’t normally do………..like the dishes, making the bed….
She said I never told her I loved her enough.…….,she said even Adam said to Eve ‘I love you’………… course he did… who else was there?! He’s hardly seeing someone on the side is he? He’s not exactly out with the lads every night is he? Coming home pissed looking for ‘rumpy pumpy’ No!
And Eve wouldn’t have had to pressure him much if he did turn up late…..

“WHERE DO YOU THINK YOU HAVE BEEN???!”

“……………………………………over there.”

She called me a typical man ……………. A typical man. what’s that supposed to mean? By that reckoning Jesus was a typical man ……He said he’d be back again and nobody’s seen him since. I wish my bank manager would take a leaf from him

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