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Thanks To Tantric Yoga I Can Now Make Sex Last Up To Five Hours… Or Longer If I’m With Someone!!

I flew back up to the North Island last week . I’m not too fond of flying, I go out to the airport and see ‘Terminal’ written up …well….that puts me off for a start.
I mean I’m not one of your white knuckle passengers but I’m never happy. Especially when they start talking about the “unlikely” event of an accident and pointing to the way out!. I don’t know about you but at 48,000 ft … if anything goes wrong the last place I’m heading for is the EXIT!!………………. Toilets! Now that would be handy… and they never seem to want to answer the questions I ask like “What if a big hole gets blown in the side of the plane and all the people start getting sucked out….!! Do you get your money back?
Fortunately the trip North is equal to removing the wrapper from one of those packets of cheese biscuits so by the time you’ve achieved that the landing gear is coming down again.
I was travelling up to see my old mate Tom as his marriage has broken up on account of his wife meeting someone else. A strict vegetarian…….how strict is that? I have images of being tied up and thrashed with a celery stalk. She says we should be learning from the animal kingdom not murdering them. Part of me agrees of course. I love animals …………..especially roasted with two veg…….. but they’re not always right.
The golden eagle mates a mile in the air and once locked in an embrace of passion hurtles to the ground until the female climaxes. Now come on girls ……. be honest….. you’d get twenty feet from the ground and you’d fake it wouldn’t you?? I love that expression ‘locked in an embrace of passion’ unlike your average dog who gets ‘locked in’ because he’s so greedy! They just end up with their bums facing each other whilst he calms himself down…………………… she’s saying ”Are you done yet……….No?”
See all I’m saying is ……..it wouldn’t work for us.
It gets worse……….There’s a number of people now who won’t eat meat from an animal that’s been killed violently. I can only assume they think there are some animals around killed by accident. Perhaps there’s a shop somewhere selling hundreds of lemmings, a cow that’s fallen down stairs or some salmon that’s been hit by a boat. They’ve even got a pair of golden eagles.
I arrived at Tom’s place to find him nursing a major hangover. He’d gone out the night before with a bunch of work mates and really tied one on. It seems that everyone thought someone else was the designated driver.
What a sight……..he looked like the undertaker started work on him and was suddenly called away. I gave up binge drinking in the seventies when I gave up acid…………… well, look at the clothes we ended up wearing.
Last year I got invited to a seventies party and thought ‘why not?’… I still had all that gear left over………………… so far back in the wardrobe it was almost in Narnia but I dragged out the platform shoes and the big flare pants and off I went. Turned out that it was a party for people IN their seventies. The thing that pissed me off the most was nobody realized I wasn’t supposed to be there.
I’m trying my best to befriend Tom’s eight year old boy Ollie but he doesn’t really want to know ……. Just looks at me as though I was something you’d find on the end of a sink plunger. Fair enough. He’s going through a lot right now and buries himself in his computer world.
When I was a kid I had a wooden fort and some lead soldiers ……. Played with them for hours…… years. Oliver can produce a detailed plan of that wooden fort on his computer and animate the soldiers!!!! But IS HE HAPPY? No! He wants a better programme so that the sky is bluer, the grass is greener and the sun is yellower…………………… we used to call that playing outside.
Nintendo Game Boy…………………….” Fun in the palm of your hand” …………. I think we had that when I was a boy too!

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