freebornman

Thanks To Tantric Yoga I Can Now Make Sex Last Up To Five Hours… Or Longer If I’m With Someone!!

I flew back up to the North Island last week . I’m not too fond of flying, I go out to the airport and see ‘Terminal’ written up …well….that puts me off for a start.
I mean I’m not one of your white knuckle passengers but I’m never happy. Especially when they start talking about the “unlikely” event of an accident and pointing to the way out!. I don’t know about you but at 48,000 ft … if anything goes wrong the last place I’m heading for is the EXIT!!………………. Toilets! Now that would be handy… and they never seem to want to answer the questions I ask like “What if a big hole gets blown in the side of the plane and all the people start getting sucked out….!! Do you get your money back?
Fortunately the trip North is equal to removing the wrapper from one of those packets of cheese biscuits so by the time you’ve achieved that the landing gear is coming down again.
I was travelling up to see my old mate Tom as his marriage has broken up on account of his wife meeting someone else. A strict vegetarian…….how strict is that? I have images of being tied up and thrashed with a celery stalk. She says we should be learning from the animal kingdom not murdering them. Part of me agrees of course. I love animals …………..especially roasted with two veg…….. but they’re not always right.
The golden eagle mates a mile in the air and once locked in an embrace of passion hurtles to the ground until the female climaxes. Now come on girls ……. be honest….. you’d get twenty feet from the ground and you’d fake it wouldn’t you?? I love that expression ‘locked in an embrace of passion’ unlike your average dog who gets ‘locked in’ because he’s so greedy! They just end up with their bums facing each other whilst he calms himself down…………………… she’s saying ”Are you done yet……….No?”
See all I’m saying is ……..it wouldn’t work for us.
It gets worse……….There’s a number of people now who won’t eat meat from an animal that’s been killed violently. I can only assume they think there are some animals around killed by accident. Perhaps there’s a shop somewhere selling hundreds of lemmings, a cow that’s fallen down stairs or some salmon that’s been hit by a boat. They’ve even got a pair of golden eagles.
I arrived at Tom’s place to find him nursing a major hangover. He’d gone out the night before with a bunch of work mates and really tied one on. It seems that everyone thought someone else was the designated driver.
What a sight……..he looked like the undertaker started work on him and was suddenly called away. I gave up binge drinking in the seventies when I gave up acid…………… well, look at the clothes we ended up wearing.
Last year I got invited to a seventies party and thought ‘why not?’… I still had all that gear left over………………… so far back in the wardrobe it was almost in Narnia but I dragged out the platform shoes and the big flare pants and off I went. Turned out that it was a party for people IN their seventies. The thing that pissed me off the most was nobody realized I wasn’t supposed to be there.
I’m trying my best to befriend Tom’s eight year old boy Ollie but he doesn’t really want to know ……. Just looks at me as though I was something you’d find on the end of a sink plunger. Fair enough. He’s going through a lot right now and buries himself in his computer world.
When I was a kid I had a wooden fort and some lead soldiers ……. Played with them for hours…… years. Oliver can produce a detailed plan of that wooden fort on his computer and animate the soldiers!!!! But IS HE HAPPY? No! He wants a better programme so that the sky is bluer, the grass is greener and the sun is yellower…………………… we used to call that playing outside.
Nintendo Game Boy…………………….” Fun in the palm of your hand” …………. I think we had that when I was a boy too!

Deborah Parkin, 12 months ago

This evokes so many feeling in me – as usual I laugh and i laugh aloud but by the end i am definitely tinged with sadness. My mum and dad divorced when i was about 4 years and even now 33 years later than just about tolerate each other and i know how it feels to be with parents who hate each other – it hurts and it hurts a lot – i suppose that is why when i decided to have children they came first at all costs. I also think it shows how said childhood can be – i have no illusions – too much pressure on them – simple example – Abe first day back at school and he has spelling test – he is 5 for god’s sake!!! Anyway, I love this piece for the warmth and honesty and i truly hope the grown ups, despite the hurt and anger, don’t forget the child and i hope one day all children can have the childhood they deserve. Debxx
freebornman, 12 months ago

Well…............ what’s to say. Thanks for the response and a very honest one I might add. When writing something it’s always left to the reader to take what they can from it I guess and for me humour has been a useful tool in that way. It’s cathartic and what easier way to release an emotion than through laughter. I did a gig last year on the day my boxer dog Josh died. A neighbour had complained that he had been into the rubbish and so next collection day I chained him up on the back deck and went shopping. By the time I returned he had taken a dive from the deck and hung himself. When I found him at the end of the chain I grieved for that dog more than any thing or person I had ever lost ….......... a collective outburst that went on for hours. That evening I went to the gig, told the story and reached the point where I had to take him down to bury him…it was just so painful. I made the remark that I didn’t want to leave him hanging around, which was said in truth but the laughter that broke was so over the top it left me wondering why. I followed up with a traditional Yorshire song that told of the passing of an old fox hunting dog…” Will you raise up your glasses to Bellman” and there wasn’t a dry eye in the house. Five people came up to me during the break and told me their stories of lost pets still with tearful eyes. Through the death of my dog I had made such a strong connection with the crowd and could really feel it! Naturally the second half rocked!!!
Shanina Conway, 12 months ago

Hey freebornman…wow…I’ve laughed myself to the point of tears and then your thread about Josh threw me for a loop…so sad…heartbreaking to loose a great mate and I can relate about grieving more for a four legged friend.

The gig must have been tough, by the sounds of it your natural comedic style and honesty really connected and broke the barrier between performer and audience.

Here’s to Josh, to Tom and to personal rocket packs so we never have eat plastic wrapped chesse biscuits;)
freebornman, 11 months ago

I’ll drink to that Shanina …. and thanks for looking in. .................... peronal rocket packs …......hmmm that’s an idea….........
Rhana Griffin, 11 months ago

Oh dear sweet jesus on a popstick! That is the funniest thing I have read in a hell of a long time!!! You have a way with words freebornman, that tickles my warped sense of humour… I shall be back. You can be guaranteed of that!!

Oh… and btw… I just love bacon and eggs on Sunday morning ;) No offence taken whatsoever!!! I’m not a vege… Just a fan of my mate Pork Chop. That dude has the biggest set of cahones I have seen on man or beast in all my years of knowing what cahones are!
Loredana Crupi, 11 months ago

Well freebornman…am I glad you popped into my life this beautiful Sunday morning. This journal entry has got it all…...comedy, pathos, sex, drugs. The only thing missing was the rock and roll but then in platform shoes that was always going to be unlikely.

Very entertaining reading freebornman….love your sense of humour…..keep it coming !!

cheers
Loredana (strictly non-vegetarian, baby boomer who can still remember the 70’s)
Cathleen Taraw..., 9 months ago

I think I peed my pants (just a little bit). Will come prepared next time I want to read your stuff.