Before Bernie could begin to think of letting go, he had to be willing to admit that he was hanging on. One day Bernie finally did realize that he had spent the first thirty-seven years of his life competing with his siblings for his mother’s affections. He was sure that somebody else was getting his share. They weren’t, but that wasn’t the point. The point was that his real mother was not capable of giving Bernie the love and attention that he wanted.

He decided to let go of his fantasy. That was not easy. It was the most heart-wrenching experience of his life. As it turned out, it wasn’t his thirty-seven year old adult self that was going to have to go through all of the suffering. It was that four or five year old part of himself that still clung to the notion that if he were just somehow a little bit better a little bit longer, that his mother would shower him with the affection that she had up until then withheld. It was a child’s dream, and a child would have to pay for it. And, he did with uncontrollable weeping and sobbing that shook his thirty-seven year old body to its core.

Once he was on the recovery side of this painful letting go process, Bernie was able to begin to reap the rewards of his courage. He was then able to start appreciating the good things that his real mother had done for him, instead of being angry with her for the love and affection that she had withheld.

One of Bernie’s fondest and most frequent memories is of his mother picking out fresh produce from the truck that stopped on the street in their neighborhood from late spring to early autumn. Those were the days before supermarkets and inexpensive refrige-ration. His mother was ruthless in her refusal to accept anything short of the best that the vendor had to offer. She had a habit of carefully scrutinizing every single piece of fruit or vegetable by skillfully and painstakingly turning each potential purchase in her hand. The good pieces found their way into her bag; those with any defect whatsoever were summarily cast back into their bins on the truck.

One day the vendor confronted Bernie’s mother about her se-lection technique, insisting that she take whatever was on top of the pile and not be so choosy. His mother’s response was immediate and to the point. She asked the vendor what the difference in price was between the good pieces and the bad ones.

The question stopped the vendor in his tracks. He stammered for a few moments, muttered something unintelligible, and then went over to tend to another customer. Bernie’s mother smiled and went back to her inspection routine. And, now, Bernie smiles every time he picks up an apple or a tomato or whatever and begins to turn it slowly in his hand, making sure that he puts only the finest produce into his bag.

Letting go of the fantasy of his idealized mother had unexpected consequences that reverberated throughout the entire scope of Bernie’s known world. It meant learning how to disengage from sibling rivalries while his siblings still wanted to play the game. It meant reexamining his values and belief system, especially his religious beliefs. And, it meant taking a long, hard look at the roles that he had unwittingly assumed in his own marriage.

With the help of a therapist Bernie was able to examine the pattern of living that he and his ex-wife had fallen into. Most of it was centered around their relationships with their children. They were unable to agree on how to discipline their children, and nei-ther one of them was willing to support the others efforts. Bernie found it impossible to embrace the permissive, laissez-faire ap-proach to parenting that his ex-wife preferred. And, for her part, his ex-wife could not tolerate what she perceived as his dictatorial, military style.

As the children grew older and became more adept at playing one parent off against the other, Bernie and his ex-wife perfected their own roles in a toxic game of “Rescue”. Inevitably, one of the children would act out against his ex-wife. She would assume the role of the victimized parent and beseech Bernie to make the child obey or be nice to her. This appeal invariably hooked Bernie, no matter how many times she used it on him. To him it always signaled his ex-wife’s long-awaited acceptance of his parenting techniques.

Wrong! As soon as he began to discipline the child, he or she would immediately rush to his ex-wife and complain to her about being mistreated by Bernie. His ex-wife would then instantly and triumphantly rescue the child from the terrible ogre-father. Playing the game allowed his ex-wife to maintain her status as “the good and loving parent”, Bernie got to be “the bad guy”.

The game intensified with each new episode heaping up layer upon layer of resentment and hopelessness. Bernie watched as his marital relationship degenerated into a downward spiral of angry separations and guilt-filled reunions. All vestiges of love withered away. Mutual respect was bludgeoned to death, and mutual trust irrevocably shattered. And, so, he ended it.

It was hard for Bernie to let go of his fantasy of being the father figure, bread-winner, and head of the household. But, eventually, he had to concede that it was better for his children to live in a household with one set of rules, rather than two competing sets. It would take years for him to reestablish healthy relationships with his children. In the meantime Bernie had to learned how to nurse his father’s broken heart, to weep alone, and to wait for time to heal the wounds that he had helped to cause. He held out the gift of love to his estranged children; some accepted it, others did not. Bernie learned to let them go.

There were many other things that Bernie would have to learn how to let go of. None of these events was easy, but he got through them and came out on the other side stronger and more resilient than before. He learned that life was full of “letting go’s”, big ones and little ones. It wasn’t fair or unfair, it was all just part of the game of life.

Letting go can have its upside, as well as its downside. Bernie discovered the sweetness of this truth when he found and fell in love with Bernah. Not only did she return his love, but she genuinely liked him.

Life is good!