Speed

At the top of Baldwin Street Dunedin, there’s an enormous man lying in bed, in the drizzling rain. At the moment he’s satellited by four regular sized people, and to keep him dry they’ve built a makeshift canopy of different coloured umbrellas. For the most part, it’s working quite well, but occasionally the wind will gust a sheet of rain into his face. When this happens, he’ll wince at the umbrella-holders, and they’ll wipe him down with a large bath-towel. The throngs of onlookers have neither umbrellas nor towels, but they’re coping as best they can. The children have tucked themselves into the leeward side of their parents, and the parents are making do, keeping their hair dry with handbags and tourist maps, and just whatever they have.

At 547 kilograms, Yuri Cherenkov is officially the fattest man in the world. To get a feel for how much this is, walk into a horse paddock and lift up the biggest stallion you can find. Imagine standing and taking a piss under the weight of it. Picture yourself fumbling about with your fly while there’s a fifteen-hands-tall Andalusian draped casually around your neck. Then you can begin to understand why Yuri hasn’t been out of bed since 2001 – although “bed” here is a lose term to describe what’s effectively a customised viewing platform. Yuri’s entire life is played out on a rigid, double-welded steel frame, which is a feat of engineering in itself. It can be towed behind a car, lifted by a crane, and even carries a spare tyre. The base is cushioned by several layers of synthetic rubber, and the upholstery is the exact same material they use to make jumping castles.

To tour the world, Yuri has had to forgo many of the comforts typically enjoyed by the international traveller. On aeroplanes, he’ll travel in a lonely hold with the dogs and racehorses. He’ll sleep in the basement carpark of hotels while his support team are receiving five star service upstairs. In New York, he spent three days sleeping in an alley beside the Waldorf-Astoria. On Youtube, there’s footage of uniformed concierges clattering shiny buffet trolleys down this alley, rushing past overflowing dumpsters and graffitied doorways to bring him chicken.

Despite the weather, Yuri is upbeat. Through his translator, he talks about his accomplishments thus far. Last year, Yuri was the first man to cross the English channel in bed. For the record to be official, he had to carry his own food and eat unassisted. His support team worked around the clock. From the boat they shouted words of encouragement, with the aid of megaphone. When his spirit flagged, they played upbeat music as loudly as the ship’s sound system would permit. By the time they pulled him up onto the beach at Cherbourg, he was completely exhausted by the effort it, falling into a deep sleep for 20 hours, waking only once to eat.

The previous year, in Algarve, Portugal, Yuri was enshrined in the cliff diving hall-of-fame for being the heaviest man ever to be rolled into the sea. “I was red like a lobster for days, from the impact.”, he told reporters. “I decided against wearing a wetsuit because I didn’t want to diminish the accomplishment. It was very painful, but I know I have earned respect from my fans and supporters for doing it the hard way.”

If all goes well today, Yuri will enter the Guiness Book of Records for the 27th time. He is attempting the downhill speed record in an unmotorised bed, on steepest public street in the world – so steep the Dunedin council had to pave it with concrete, because on hot days the tar would melt and pool at the bottom of the hill.

“I feel confident and well prepared. Seven years ago, a similar record was attempted on this very street. One man was killed and another seriously injured, because they didn’t do the necessary preparation – they did the run in a wheely bin, which has limited traction and visibility. It was foolish. That’s why I insist my equipment is state-of-the-art. Myself and my crew, we have taken every precaution.”

Yuri pauses to allow his support crew to fit his helmet and safety buckle. Other team members are loosening the wheel clamps and preparing the release tether. Yuri uses these last moments to talk to a news crew who are position cameras to pan his descent.

“I am proud of all my achievements, but this one is especially close to my heart. I feel like God is on my side because of the significance of what I am attempting to do today. This record may never be broken…and I really believe it’s true that everyone is put on this earth for a reason. Each person needs to figure out why for themselves. I believe my reason is here and now – I’ve travelled all the way to New Zealand to be the fattest man, on the fastest bed, down the steepest street. This record may never be broken during my lifetime.”

As if by providence the rain stops as the team give the all clear. Yuri’s wife leans over to kiss him on the cheek, and hugs him. She’s crying openly but she gives him a smile of encouragement, and stands and strokes his hand until she’s asked to step back. When Yuri gives the signal time appears to stop completely for a second. Both the bed and the crowd are completely motionless, as if each is waiting for the other to make the first move.

Suddenly the bed creeps forward, allowing everyone to unfreeze. As the bed gathers speed, somebody starts clapping and that sets everyone off. The more people clap, the more the bed is accelerating, as if there’s a cause and effect relationship. Everyone has suddenly been united by this common goal, in this quiet, rainy street somewhere in New Zealand. Everybody is pushing a fat man into the record books on a magical, applause-powered bed. All of them clapping and cheering like it was the most natural thing in the world.

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Tags:

fat, greed, record, satire, sevensinscomp, sins and speed