Gimme a B! Gimme a E! Gimme a D! What does it spell! Impossible!
Sitting in the school library for a lonely hour.
Ok, so i haven’t written on this for ages. But i think i need to. I’m at school in the library, by myself. I’m about as awake as a developing sloth. I haven’t smiled since about 8’oclock this morning, and theres a possibility i could be school captain.
I don’t want it anymore. My lifestyle doesn’t seem to suit the job. If it’s meant to be, then god will give me support to push on. My gut feels empty, but I feel to sick to eat. I fell asleep in maths. It felt satisfying just letting go and listening to the mutters of people around me. Thank god my teacher is understanding. I rememeber her saying “he had a late night, poor thing”
It was my choice to go with Bob to pick up angela from rocky. Maybe i should’ve been considerate to myself that it was 11pm when we left. Bad move. Not the sort of move a school captain would make, but I don’t really want it anymore, so that statement is about as useless as the pizza i threw out to the chickens. I still have to sit hear for a further 50 minutes. Watching the clock tick, seeing the odd one or two persons drift in and out of the library, while kim is busy procrastinating in her office. But in my current state I think it would beat working.
It feels like i’ve just woken up. Even though i kind of have. Its that distant feeling you experience, when you get up, walk around the table, benign to everyone saying “good morning” to you. About as active as a cactus in the savanna. Dormant empty, and waiting for food (even though I can’t stomach anything in the morning).
I get up, and as bad as it is, I go straight for the coke, the drink, not the drug. And i know its slowly eating my insides away. Its like smoking i guess, i mean, if you drink something for so many years and become dependant on it. It would be hard to give it up. Your anti-drug, stress reliever, late night snack, curer of boredom.
I’m sinking pretty low right now, i’m loosing track of what i’m writing, which has its upsides in a way. I hate seeing mum stress out. Telling her its pointless doesn’t help. She always talks about putting things in gods hands, but then stressing about it. I guess we have to do things for ourselves sometimes, regardless of difficulty, or mental strain. Its ironic, that i feel like this, on the day when my brother finds out if he has got the job, and i find out if i’m captain. Its brainstraining. Its bizarre. This day feels weird. Likes its stopped in time. Like its caught up in a rift somewhere. I just feel like going to bed, and forgetting about it all. Because that so helps. What do they expect of me today.
I find it appauling that after my speech, and what i’m going to do for the school, that they still worry about my hair. Out of all the things they could worry about, they pick at my hair. I mean, If they really cared about giving people support, they would spend less time picking at my hair, and spend more time finding ways to donate money to the poor people dying in the bushfires. Its unbelievable.
I can see my house from the library window. Its so close, but completely unaccessable. So what do i do? I sit in the library bored and tired out of my skull, trying to justify how SHIT this day is, and will be.
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