Unwanted guest
This is the revamped version of the story “Unwanted guests” I posted a couple of days ago. I have tried to incorporate most or all the kind suggestions made at “Twisted Tales” (in the forum competition section as an entry for the challenge on the topic “the gate”) and I hope this is better writing than that version, which was written rather hastily to comply with the deadline! The plot has not been changed!
The storm had been raging for hours. The house on the hill was dark and cold. Pelting rain was dancing on the surface of the fishpond. It was on nights like these that Cora was glad a tall fence and an electrically controlled gate had kept intruders at bay since Henry’s departure.
Cora picked up the paring knife she used to dissect oranges. She fetched new batteries for her torch, cut through the tight packaging, mounted them and picked up the book she had been reading before the lights went out.
Suddenly, she heard a voice shouting “For God’s sake, open the damn gate! My wife’s having a baby.”
Throwing caution to the winds, Cora fought her way through the raging storm to the gate. There was no one in sight. She unlocked the small inset gate and stepped outside, calling “Where are you? What about the baby?”
Then her words were suffocated by a hand.
“You fell for the oldest trick in the book, lady.”
The stranger tightened his grip, but Cora managed to wrench her body round far enough to sink the paring knife into his groin.
The man sank to the ground.
Cora bent down, grabbed the man’s arms and dragged him to the fishpond.
“You won’t mind having company down there, will you?” she speculated.
Then she went back into the house and peeled herself an orange.
Sabbath
Ooo that is beautifully written, I love how you explain every single detail
Faith Puleston replied
I really appreciate your nice comment, Sabbath. Thanks so much!
WanderingAuthor
“and peeled herself an orange.” – I hope she washed the knife first. ;-) That’s not a woman I’d want to cross paths with. Nice story! I wonder how much company he’ll have in the fishpond. I’m guessing a big party. :D
Faith Puleston replied
I think she wiped it off on her sleeve! Well, Henry’s there, for sure! :-)
Micky McGuinness
Hi Faithart
I think this version reads much better; it explains the knife more and I think that the torch was a better option than the radio
Cheers
Micky
Faith Puleston replied
Thanks! It took much longer to rewrite than do the original. I agree about the torch. I wish I’d thought of that first time round.
carin berger
I liked the first one better. I loved the surprise of the knife and the drink seemed appropriate after what happened even if it was a regular habit. She didn’t seem that cold hearted. I thought the original was perfect and it made me a fan of yours. I also showed it to a screenplay writer and she absolutely loved it. I haven’t shown her the new one but will later as she is staying with me for a few more days…...best.carin
Faith Puleston replied
Thanks so much Carin. That’s why I didn’t delete it. This rehash is a genuine attempt to fulfill all the “requirements” of the powers that be at Twisted Tales! Did you read their comments? I like the first version because it took me just 20 minutes to write and was straight from the pen! It took me nearly an hour to revamp the topic! The bit with the peeling oranges at the end was turning it in the wound of being told the first one was “lacking” – well, one comment suggested I had the woman peeling vegetables to introduce the knife early on, but that would have been entirely contra to the character of this rather mercurial character, I think. I am so grateful for your postitive reaction to the original and flattered that your screenplay writer likes it. I’ve written quite a few sketches etc and was a professional singer and actor during my 35 years in the theatre, so a lot of my writing is melodramatic – well, opera lives on drama. I can always visualize the people and scenarios and often imagine matching music when I’m writing. I’ll be interested to hear whether your friend thought the second version was an improvement. LOL
carin berger
ps I just wanted to say first impulses are usually the best.I find when I work on a pic too much I lose sight then when I come back to it I usually go with my first one.
Faith Puleston replied
Thanks. I think my reply says about the same thing! I’m struggling with a painting now because I lost touch with the original spontaneous idea.
carin berger
I just showed it to my friend and she agrees the first one was perfect! She said the first came from the heart the second from your head and you ruined the beginning. That is the problem from taking advice from people that don’t write or understand what you are doing. The first one is so strong I cannot say it enough.Best,c
carin berger
ps That being said I’m no writer but I am close to a few and my ex is a director. I have started writing greeting cards 2 on rb dogs for obama and nurse if you get a chance I’d love to know what you think.I am also an opera lover and laughed picturing you writing to an opera soundtrack! I sent your story to my nephew(also a filmaker) I’m trying to get him to join rb.If you want a giggle he has a great short on you tube “Marfa my dear” His name Tao Ruspoli since I don’t know how to post a link…..best,carin
Faith Puleston replied
Thanks Carin. The music I listen to when writing is only in my head. Around me all is silent except for the whizz of my PC fan and occasional, but pathetic howling of my cats (wanting more dinner though the pots are all full!). I’ll visit your portfolio and be in touch. You seem to have very illustrious friends! I’ll also visit youtube. Thanks for sharing! lol
carin berger
I imagined the music was in your head that’s why I laughed!
Kelsey Williams
A dramatic, powerful short story that tells the event in an efficient and concise way. Meaning, this was awesome!!!
Faith Puleston replied
Thanks so much, Kelsey for such a nice comment.